Marriage to woman w/ Bipolor Child

[theatmguy]

I want to marry a gal that has a son that has been diagnosed with Bipolor Disorder.  I am just learning about this disorder and the long term ramifications are frightening.  

The child is generally well behaved at school and with other adults but when he is with his mom, his outburst and behavior changes dramatically.  I think that she coddles him far to much and he plays her like a fiddle.

I asked her to marry me last year and moved her and her children into my home.  Home used to be a sanctuary, but now it is dreaded place.  I feel that I have little or no peace and that I have no control over my environment.

As a man, I feel that when a man takes a wife (and kids), he must make them the most important thing in his life.  Marrying a woman with a child with this kind of disorder requires a superhuman commitment, yet I do not feel as though her commitment is to the marriage as much as her sons special needs.

I am going to try to find support groups but if anyone has any useful sugguestions, I am listening.

[RockRose]

I think the job of a mother is to put her children first.  First over everything,  including herself.  

If she marries you and puts the needs of her very needy son way down the list - your family,  and you being first,  and peace in the household also being first,  she's making a HUGE mistake.

[chigirl29]

If I were ever a single mother, I put would the needs of my children first.  That is my nauture.
With your nature, you would be best to find another woman to marry.  If you already do not like the homelife you have created, marriage will not make it better.  If anything, it will make it worse because more comfort will set in.

I'm not trying to be mean or hurt your feelings, but you don't sound like a good match.  When you marry the woman, you marry the children too.

Even in my own marriage, I put my children first.  My husband does too.  We like that we are both number two on each other's lists.

Good luck to you.

[chigirl29]

Wow.  I'm sorry about calling you "themeatguy"....I didn't realize it until I checked back. I did think that was an odd screen name...

[momagain59]

Would you feel this way if it were your child? I think you should be honest with your gal (as you call her) about your true feelings and commitment to this family. The longer you stay in their life before you leave the worse it will be for the children. Bi-polar to my understanding, always gets worse with age. Please do this GREAT Mom a favor, and move on, so she can find the right person that can commit to her and her children. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings but I am only putting this childs needs before yours. Don't feel bad, not everyone can put a child's needs before theirs and those people that can't do not need to be parents. If I were her, I would help you pack. Heck, I will help you pack if you are located close enough to me.

[theatmguy]

No need for apologies, as I read back over the section you all seem to have focused in on, I can understand your reaction.

My intended and I have a disagreement regarding her son.  After leaving this post yesterday, we spoke about it at length.  Her son does very well in school and with other adults yet he is 10 times more likely to attack of verbally abuse his mother and sister.  His mom recognizes that she is an enabler and her passive approach to dealing with her sons disorder is not doing anyone in this family any good.

When I entered into this relationship, I knew that the boy had mental health issues but I did not fully understand the extent.  As time passed and we fell deeper in love, and came to live together, I began researching this disorder.

As our wedding date approaches, I am understandably concerned that things are likely to get worst rather than better.  This is my life too and I have been asking myself if I have what it takes to stand the test of time.

An interesting observation:  I noticed that the two respondents to my post appear to be women.  In speaking with men on this subject, I tend to get a much different feedback.  One of the men I have spoken to on this matter is married to a woman that suffers this disorder.

In speaking with my intended, we agree that she must stop giving her son license to act out and that the message she needs to send is that even though he has this disorder, he must still try to control himself.

She has said that she has had men come in and out of their lives and the guys always leave because they can not handle her son.  She has also been involved in abusive relationships and she does not want her daughter to grow up thinking this is acceptable.


Thanks again for you input and again, no apologies needed.  I was in a highly emotional state when I made the post and did not choose my words carefully.  

Momagain59: Nothing compares to a maternal bond.  If he were mine as you say, I would not take a passive approach and discipline would be the order of the day.  No child is perfect and they will all get in trouble from time to time.  This boy has demonstrated that he knows the difference between right and wrong, he just needs help controlling his outburst.

[redneckmom]

I disagree.  The children do not come first.  The FAMILY does.  If something is good for the child but not good for the family as a whole then we don't do it.  Many people fail at marriage because they forget that they are a husband/wife as well as a parent.  My fiance and I do put Alex's needs above our wishes and he has everything he needs(and a lot of what he wants).  However, long after these children become adults we are still to be married to our spouces.  I think that if his gal wants to raise her child properly she needs to stop coddling her "baby" and start raising an adult.  Obviously there is a lot of love here and he already stated that he would put his wife AND CHILDREN first.  Not just the children and not just the wife.  Remember that there has to be some sort of a relationship other than parenting for marriages to work for the long haul.  

[kg17]

The research statistics are sorely against the success of your impending marriage.  Second marriages without kids have a much higher divorce rate than first marriages, and second marriages with kids do even worse (I would speculate that the divorce rates increase even more if a child has a "mental illness").  Having worked as a child psychologist for the past 15 years has convinced me of a few things - many of which are NOT popular.   However, if the best interest of children of broken homes is the focus, then the biological parent should remain single and keep her love life completely separate from her children until they are grown.  Second marriages and mix-n-matches almost never work and are fraught with grief for all parties involved.  Children typically do not do well in these types of homes and have statistically higher rates of behavior problems, poor academics, younger involvement in sex and drugs, more likely to commit crime, and experience depression and anxiety.  There are well-researched books on the topic - one you might read is called "The Divorce Culture" (can't recall author) and books written by J. Wallerstein.  If your "intended" wanted to do best by her children, she would end her relationship with you and focus her complete attention on properly parenting her children, giving them structure and learning appropriate parenting skills, as well as learn how to deal with her own neediness in healthier ways.

[Agiesmom]

kg17 wrote: "...However, if the best interest of children of broken homes is the focus, then the biological parent should remain single and keep her love life completely separate from her children until they are grown."

I totally agree with this.

[rebbecca]

for u to even remotely think about marrying her with a child that has emotional problems shows that u will be a great stepdad to him and a great husband. now days people going into a relationship see a child with problems and they run the other way.
my son is adhd, mood disorder,ect and my poor husband goes through hell sometimes. he loves my son but they have a very hard time dealing with each other. me and my husband have been through hell but we also know that my son cant help it. and sometimes my husband wants to run far away and so do i. i try to put the whole family first but there times that the child with more problems has to come first. for instance.... my son in oct had to be put in a mental hositpal because he was hurting self and others, and when his pycho dr over dosed him in dec.
i hope i helped u in some way, take care!!!!!!!

[djconnor]

I am a single mother with 3 young boys. My 8 year old son has been diagnosed with Bipolar and o.d.d.. I have known since he was 3 and tried to get early intervention. But of course he was so sweet and charming in the outside world.  My husband at the time (we are now divorced and he is also bipolar) alway blamed me...i wasn't tough enough with him, he needs more structure. It was always my fault!!!   I always felt like everyone thought I was exaggerating his behaviors.  My middle son, who is 6, has been abused by his brother and my 3 year old mimicks his behavior.  It is such an exhausting illness for the mothers and I totally understand what your fiance goes through.  
I think she is very lucky to have you in her life!  She deserves to be happy as the same with the children.  Your fiance needs all the support she can get.  I went through the same tough decision before I got married.  I did a lot of research and decided that his good outweighed the bad.  He had many hospitalizations in the first 5 years of our marriage. Even to this day...I do not regret marrying him and i still do love him and worry about him.        I guess my point here is.....even if you don't decide to marry her, please always be supportive and help her in any way that you can.  I get in-home therapy 3 times a week for my son and just started with play therapy.  I have also contemplated a residential facility so that he can learn how to handle his outbursts, It's a tough descision to make, but i have to think of my younger son's safety and my own.  Does your step-son to be get any services of after school