was I abused?

[grav0120]

I'm a 29 year old well adjusted, smart, successful female in all aspects of my life except in relationships.  I have physical intimacy issues.  The idea of be in love and have a health sexual relationship with a guy is something I desire but I feel unbelievable uncomfortable being intimate.  Not with kissing, ect once the clothes come off I just want to run away.  I have small breasts and for a long time I thought is was just insecurity with my body but now I am worried that it is more.

I have a brother who is 3 years older than I am and when I was young (somewhere between 5 and 8) there was a short period (prob less than a month) where he would convince me to give him a blow job.  I can't remember how often it occurred but I remember after it happened a few time I almost looked forward to it or something...  maybe because I looked up to him, maybe the idea of doing something I knew I shouldn't, who knows.  

Anyway, I know I was young enough that I didn’t know about sex because I remember I was worried that I could get pregnant... Anyway, my parent must have started to suspect something because one day they pulled us aside and questioned us.  We denied it and that was the end of it.  It never happened again and it has never been spoke of.

I've never "repressed" this, I always knew it happened but to be honest I have never even thought of it until recently, mainly because I want to find a meaningful relationship and don't know if I can.  I know that I was manipulated, he was 3 years older and I knew what we were doing was wrong (but not how wrong) so I'm sure he knew even more that it was wrong but I'm not sure if qualifies as abuse because it seems that abuse implies malicious intent.  My question is, even if this doesn't qualify as "abuse" could this small little thing that happen over 20 years ago be the source of all my issues?  As I said, I've known that I've have had intimacy problems for a long time but I never that that it could be related to this experience until recently.  Thanks!

[PlateletGal]

I think this is an issue that would require at least a few counseling sessions. I hope that you will get counseling to find out whether or not this incident from your past is holding you back.

I wish you the best of luck.

[minesia]

That is something I am struggling with also.  I can't remember the moment something happened to me but I am pretty sure it did and I think it was  my brother.  He doesn't know this is what I think and he tells an unusual story about himself when he was young and I am wondering if something happened to him.  It is hard b/c I could hate a grown man but how do I hate another child escpecially one who had this done to him.  And it seems that girls with older brothers are almost certain to be abused. So being a mother of two boys and a baby girl I am freaking how to protect her in her own home.  Anyways, I was wondering at what point is it bad enough to constitute being an issue and I feel like if it has altered your life then it doesn't matter how minor it was.  It might be like someone who gets cancer from 2nd hand smoke.  The smoker knew it was wrong to smoke around them but didn't realize the person would die from it.  I think it definetly has affected you more than you realize and I bet if you layed in your bed and opened your heart up to yourself all those true feelings about it would come out.

[PlateletGal]

"And it seems that girls with older brothers are almost certain to be abused."

I don't know where you live or how you got this belief, but you may want to challenge this belief. Why do you feel this way ?

[jo929]

i know that you are frustrated and befor putting blame  i would seek help from a counseler maybe it could be insecurity i really do  think that one could hepl you so much and i would not let anyone convince me of anything keep an open mind until you see a professionel that deals with these things   lots of luck to you and plese keep us posted not all brothers do this some protect litle sisters  i had a very good brother    lots luck   jo

[jml1986]

I am no way making light of your situation, but I have to say, that at the age you and your brother were, I would say it was more of an exploration then an abuse. While I am sure that it would fall under the abuse guidelines, I just don't know that I would call it abuse. If I were you, I would choose to let it go and move on and find a man that you can have a wonderful life with. That doesn't mean you will ever forget it, it just means that it will no longer control you.

[NurseinNC]

The same thing also happened to me, my brother was 3 years and 11 months older than me. I was about 7 and it also lasted only about a month, I think only 3 or 4 times. I know that all people deal with things differently but I, personally have no issues with relationships as a result. I am 30 and I have been with my husband for 12 years. I have a wonderful marriage to a wonderful man. Just a suggestion, maybe you should look elsewhere for your issues. I also believe that it was more "exploratory" than anything else, definately NOT abuse. Also, my brother is a wonderful man with a terrific family. Whatever the issue, I hope you find it, good luck!

[MInute Maid]

I am with most of the others - this is only slightly more adventurous than the doctors and nurses games that many kids play by way of exploration.  I think you should forget it - although perhaps the act that your parents found out and you were forced to lie is where the 'issue' may emanate from.  Perhaps a feeling of guilt was instilled in you at the time and you have subconsciously allowed it to grow.  You did nothing wrong - you were just behaving  like many others before you.  

[grav0120]

It's grav0120, thanks for the responses.  For the most part, I think I agree w/ everyone.  I think it was more "exploratory".  I don't really hold any resentment towards my brother.  We have a great relationship and i know he's a great guy.  We were kids... that doesn't change the fact that it may have in a away shaped they way I relate to men.  Most of my friends are guys,  my "brothers", ect...  It is a catch 22 becasue my fear of intamacy/relationships as driven me to excel farther than most in school and my career, so in a way it's a blessing.  It's only an issure now becasue I have the career and condo and dog, ect so I don't have anything to divert my attention from my issue.  ANyway, I posted when I did becasue I decided a few councling session would do some good and I just wanted to get a few poeples opinion first.  Tuesdays the big day, eeek!