Where do I begin?

[georgelucas]

I am getting married in a few months. Last week I was at a bar (w/o fiance) and drank much alcohol after taking much Xanax (prescribed for PTSD). At about 1:30am everything completely blacked out. I don't remember a thing until waking up the next morning. Complete amnesia. For some reason I am feeling guilty that I did something bad, something that would really hurt my fiance, but I have no clue what. There are ATM charges at different places from 2-4am,accounting for over $500 of withdrawals, but I only had receipts for a couple of them, so I can be certain that I made those transactions, but am uncertain of the other ones, as they could be fraudulent. I feel extremely guilty/violated for things that I have no idea if they happened. Its consuming my life trying to think of worst-case scenarios, i.e. had sex with a woman, paid for sex,caught an STD or HIV, got someone pregnant, etc. I can't picture myself doing these things, but again, I'm racking my brain thinking of terrible scenarios and any repercussions that could come from them. The anxiety I am feeling from this is overwhelming, and causing me to want to push back the wedding day until I can try and make sense of this all. I'm having paranoia of some girl showing up 5 months into our marriage saying she is pregnant,or paranoia finding out I have an STD or HIV weeks before the wedding,of course I would not want to pass that along, and at that point my fiancé would not want to marry me anyway,and I would not be able to forgive myself for that. Again, these are things that are SO unlike me it is ridiculous,but I have heard worse stories from people blacking out on Xanax,and it scares me to my very soul. I could be worried about nothing,but at the end of the day I'll probably never find out what happened during that blackout,and I need help trying to cope with the guilt and learning how I can come to accept the fact that there will always be this unknown.  Please help!  Any suggestions would be much appreciated!

[rebbecca]

was ur fiance with u the whole time, i would ask her, she maybe able to tell u. i would also go to ur bank and ask them about the withdrawns between 2 and4 in the morning. a good thing to remember is not to drink and mixes meds. i think if ur fiance didnt know where u were until 4 , she would have probably asked or r u not living together? u seem like the type not to do anything crazy to mess up u soon to be marriage. i would just ask people that u were hanging around with that nite!
i wish u the best!

[kat1256]

To rebecca- He said he wasn't with his fiancee. I'm also guessing with the deep stress and anxiety this is causing gl, it probably isn't as easily fixed as asking his future wife what he did that night, unfortunately.

I would say that if, for ANY reason you have a feeling that you might have some sort of sexually transmitted disease, you need to get tested immediately. You might be afraid of the outcome, but it would be absolutely devastating to find out you DID get something from some random girl that night and gave it to your wife, who you obviously love very much.

Is anxiety and anxiousness a side effect of Xanex? That might be some of the problem. I don't know the side effects of the drug, but if paranoia is a side effect, you could be experiencing that. You could also simply be feeling the guilt of being irresponsible and drinking too much while on a prescription drug that reacts poorly to alcohol. PTSD can also carry with it some weighty effects, as I'm sure you're well aware. I was in a very bad car accident and suffered from PTSD for many years after, and it kept me up at night. I worried myself to the point of having stomach ulcers and dropping fifteen pounds. I would stay up at night worrying about the most ridiculous things- did I offend the sacker at the grocery store today when I didn't talk to him all the way out to the parking lot? If a friend or family member took five minutes longer running up to the store than I thought they should, I was pacing the house in tears with a phone in my hand ready to call the police to go searching for them in a nearby lake. It was terrible. All of this needs to be taken into consideration before you automatically assume you did something terrible. If all else fails, retrace your steps. As someone already suggested, find someone, anyone, who might have been there with you that night. Find out what you did, who you were with, where you went. Trace the receipts. Call the stores where you made the purchases. I'm guessing not many people came in and out of those establishments between 2 and 4 in the morning. If you show up in person, it'll help them remember a face and perhaps they can make a connection.

And, from one married person to another soon-to-be, please be honest with her. I'm a newly wed (only a month), and believe me, I would want to know if I was her. Right now, you have no terrible news to deliver, so NOW is the time to be completely honest. Tell her that you're freaking out, so she knows it's genuine BEFORE something comes up and she questions your honest and integrity. Tell her that to your recollection, you can remember doing nothing, but you still have a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that says you might have done something stupid. It will be much easier to explain that way if she already knows the circumstances behind the mistake than if you find out about the mistake and present it to her by itself, without all of this worrying and obvious concern for her. Telling her ahead of time, before you're completely guilty (like TODAY), lets her know you are more concerned for her well being and happiness than your own. Covering your own tail and keeping it from her until you find out you DO have a disease or a child out there somewhere will break her heart.

I wish you all the best. Sorry to say so much. I just hope something helped.