No point in Life Anymore

[mike1818]

I don't see a point to life anymore. Ever since 6th Grade my life started going downhill and I'm in 11th Grade now and things just seem to be getting worse.(Note: Since a lot of people are involved in the following story Im going to give them fake names so things don't get to confusing) In 6th grade my best friend(Frank) since kindergarten stopped being my friend and instead he became best friends with someone else(Brandon) who always made fun of me. Another one of my friends(Adam) also left me to become friends with Brandon. The ironic thing is that in 5th grade Brandon and Adam had gotten in a fight and they had to go see the principle and it turned into a whole big thing so Adam needed a witness to say that Brandon had hit him so since I was there and had witnessed what happened I volunteered to go to the principle and tell him what happened. Some how Adam and Brandon became good friends and instead of Brandon blaming Adam for going to the office and telling on him, he blamed me for backing up Adam (and it seemed like everyone else did too). I started hanging out with 2 of the new kids that year and someone else who had been at my school for a while.Their names were Ansel(He seemed pretty normal at the time), Fiona(She's really nice. Everyone who doesnt have any freinds hangs out with her.) and Evelyn(I had a crush on her). Adam, Frank, and Brandon kept making fun of me and spreading rumors about me that year which caused me to lose all my self esteem by the end of the year. In 7th grade nothing really new happened. Hung out with the same people. Adam, Frank, and Brandon still made fun of me. I joined choir and so did Evelyn. I found out she has a crush on me too so we started going out. Even though things still sucked in 7th grade it was probably the best year out of all of them because at least I had Evelyn but i would soon wish I had never met her. For Christmas I bought her an Ipod and she bought me a Game Boy DS. In 8th grade I made a new friend(Lawrence). Lawrence is probably the best friend I ever had. He was very loyal. He is the only friend I ever had that never betrayed me beside Fiona. That year I found out that Evelyn and Ansel made out behind my back. I was really upset and got very depressed for a while. She was the only reason my life was worth living. Fiona comforted me for a while by saying bull **** like "Everything going to be OK" but when I faced reality her bull **** stopped helping. When I asked Evelyn why she had made out with Ansel behind my back she said he forced her to. Deep down I knew It was a lie because Ansel was really weak and chubby and the lightest punch would leave him on the floor, but I just really wanted to believe her. When one of the girls in my class decided to lie and say I beat her up and sexually molested her (why she did that is a long story so I wont go into it but i honestly didn't even touch her. In fact it was sort of the opposite). It got so out of hand that her parents found out and called the police. She didn't tell her parents not to call the police because then she would have to admit that she was lying. The police came to school, cuffed me in front of everyone, and drove me away and booked me. I was going to have to go to court. My lawyer said there was a high chance i was going to have to go to juvi. The girl was in too deep to admit she had lied. She tried to say sorry to me on a couple of different occasions but she never did. Fortunately I got a new lawyer who set up a meeting with the D.A. and after showing them some pictures of that girl hitting other boys they realized shes a trouble maker and dropped the case. After all that Evelyn broke up with me. She was going to break up with me earlier but since I was probably going to go to juvi she hadn't because I guess she didn't want to make things harder for me then they already were. I was devastated. Since then my depression got really bad and its stayed that way. I still think about Evelyn every day. Some days I feel so bad I just start crying. Ever since then I started having thoughts of Suicide. It got very hard to concentrate on anything ever since then. Sometimes it takes me up to an hour to do the simplest tasks. After all that I stopped doing any school work. My parents got very angry that year. Every day I came home from school until the next day that I went to school they were constantly yelling. Once again Fiona tried to comfort me. It helped to know there was someone there that cared. I started having a crush on Fiona but that didn't mean I stopped missing Evelyn. In 9th grade the girl that had said I beat her up was expelled. Everyone blamed it on me but she really got expelled because she got straight F's. Everyone kept saying "Aren't you the kid who beat that girl up" and I mean everyone: High school, Middle School and even Elementary School. A lot of the guys were pissed at me because the girl used to always unbutton her shirt in class and they thought it was my fault she got expelled. Nothing new really happened in 9th grade. I started working at school again because I was sick of the yelling at home.  but after a lot of my friends leaving me and Evelyn leaving me I had no self esteem and so I didn't ask her out. In 10th grade one of the things that I had been praying for to happen finally happened. Brandon left. Frank wanted to be friends with again. Frank and Lawrence didn't like each other so I had to choose either one or the other. Unfortunately I chose Frank even though he had left me for Brandon and Lawrence had been such a good friend. That decision still haunts me. I felt so bad after I did that. I felt like I was a horrible person but it was too late to go back. School work gets a lot harder, have more trouble concentrating. Still had a crush on Fiona but I didn't ask her out. Its 11th grade now. Frank tells me he has something to tell me. He tells me that he has had a crush on Fiona for 2 years and finally had enough courage to ask her out over winter break via email. She never had a crush on him but she said yes. They have been going out for 1 week and when I asked her If she likes him now she said she developed a crush on him. I feel like my heart has been torn apart. Now they hang out together and I don't hang out with them anymore because I feel like a third wheel. I don't really have a friend anymore. I usually talked to Fiona when I felt really depressed but I cant even do that anymore. There has been so much school work lately some nights I don't sleep at all. Even when we don't have a lot of school work, I still can't sleep because I keep thinking about everything that has happened to me and all the mistakes I have made. I've been awake for 43 hrs right now (not counting when I fell asleep in class). I don't see the point of anything anymore. I have to work really hard to get into university, where I have to work even harder to get a good job, where I have to work even harder to support myself untill I die. Whats the point of me staying alive. If I commit suicide it'll be like taking a short cut. I'd just be getting rid of all the work and hardships i'll have from now till I die if I commit suicide.  

[mike1818]

*I left out the capitalized part by accident*
Nothing new really happened in 9th grade. I started working at school again because I was sick of the yelling at home. I STILL HAD A CRUSH ON FIONA but after a lot of my friends leaving me and Evelyn leaving me I had no self esteem and so I didn't ask her out.

[cindy82]

sorry you have been through all this. trust me i know how it is!! i had hell my whole time in school. people made fun of me and stuff and was so mean. now i look back then and see what i got now, and when i see them all i can do is think,( old classmates) your the ones that made me be  a beter person, your the ones to show me that i CAN be beter than you!.  i tried so hard and i think im doing great!! alot beter than most of the people i have seen, exept an old friend playing for the dallas cowboys now, lol. just give it time, you dont have much more time in there, then show them by working hard that your a beter person and you will end up further in life than they will. i now have a wonderfull family and a very good life and i think its from the life i had making me wanna be beter than them

[April2]

You really have gone through a lot. I'm so sorry. If it's any consolation, things really do get MUCH, MUCH better after high school. All that drama in high school, you just don't see as much in college and beyond. You're in 11th grade. That means you have 1 1/2 years of high school left. If you can just hang on and do the best you can to pass all your classes, it will get better. I promise. You know the expression "What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger" ? It's true. Because of all you've gone through, it will not only make you a stronger person but also a more compassionate person because you understand how it feels to be picked on, hurt, taken advantage of, lied to. So, don't stoop to the same level of these other shallow people. Lift your head up and remind yourself that you deserve better.

Think about joining a group or club, preferably outside of school so that you can meet new kids who don't go to your school. Befriend the new kid, or the outcast. You know how it feels. Learn to be a good friend. Try and talk to Laurence and ask him if he will forgive you for how you treated him and if you guys can be friends again. If he says no, then just leave it and learn from it. All of life teaches us lessons. Sometimes the lessons are painful. We can grow from them and move on, or we can let it destroy us.
Killing yourself is not the answer. All it does is leave behind a legacy of pain and sadness. We only get one shot on this earth. Life is precious and fragile. I know things look bad, but I promise it WILL get better if you can hang on.
One place that you might consider going to where the kids are usually pretty accepting is a church youth group. I have found the most loving, accepting people through church. Give it some serious thought. I believe we have a God who cares about us and He doesn't want to see us suffering and mistreating each other.
Don't give up. Keep looking forward. Have some goals of things you want to do and go for it. Once you're out of high school, it's a whole new world waiting for you! I think you'll like it. :) Take care. God bless.