No tears...

[pualani57]

As a teen, my dad was my abuser and he recently died after a long illness. (He was 76). I cried a little but not much. I mostly felt relieved. I am trying not to repress anything. My comfort is that I believe in Heaven and that we will meet again, and things will be perfect then and I will have finally what I couldn't have here.... a real loving dad. Is it normal to not cry after an abuser dies?

[jml1986]

It is totally okay. We all grieve in our own ways. I was abused by a couple of uncles and when they did, I did not grieve for them. But I did grieve for my father who lost his brothers. My dad never expected me to shed a tear so he was not hurt when I didn't. I just knew how hard it had to be on my dad knowing that he lost his brothers but yet being mad at them for what they had done for me. I have never felt guilty for not grieving for my uncles and I don't think I ever should have.

[pualani57]

Thanks for your encouragement. Its hard sometimes because my siblings had a totally different relationship with him. Its kind of eerie, like I imagined the abuse.

[AnnaE]

I think we are sometimes indidviual in our responses--depending on the relatioship. I hope you continue to do well. If not, consider therapy or a sexual abuse susvivor's group

I felt peace at first when my father died;. I relly think that I was thinking of heaven and immortality. Then I went into a deep dpression--horrible death images. I resumed to therapy later, with special group therapy.

You may not need this...but just in case.

I wish you the best.

[AnnaE]

It's horrible to not feel validated. Be reassured that you did not imagine it. Take care of yourself. When you feel a need for validation, reassure yourself that it is over, and that your life holds new relationships. Think about those who love and appreciate you.

I am so sorry that you were abused. Be good to yourself, and seek out others who are good to you.

[pualani57]

Thank you for your kind words. I found truth in them. Thankfully, I am currently in therapy. I will be seeing my therapist this week after a one month break. I am sorry you went into a deep depression and had horrible death images. It sounds like you have come out on the other side of the depression? I hope so. Blessings.

[suzi-q]

What I have learned from my therapist is that feelings are not right or wrong...feelings are who you are.  You should never feel bad or guilty or anything about them.  You should never feel like you have to validate what you feel.  How you feel is your own personal experience.

[AnnaE]

I am glad if I was of help. Yes, I am better. I have achieved a lot in my life, that includes loving my work and my students, and I look forward to even greater happiness. I know you will experience that, too.

[AnnaE]

I know that pulani found comfort in your remarks. I did, also.

Thank you.

[pualani57]

Thanks suzi-q,  your words are comforting to me.

[pualani57]

Thank you for your well-wishes for me. I am currently on disability (going on 11 years for the second time) and sometimes its hard to have hope.

[AnnaE]

I am also disabled--mostly because of anxiety/depression from the abuse. But I still do many things-like teach part time, and much more.

I hope that you can do whatever it is that you want one day.

I still have a lot of problems with feelings--like around men if I am attracted to them. They do not have to be dates or good friends. One could even be my doctor or a professional relationship of another kind. I feel a lot of longing, yet pain, shame, and embarrassment.

I have never had a positive relationship with a man. My exhusband was cruel, and there were always problems and confusion when I dated other men after I left my ex-husband. So I have stayed away from relationships, believing that there was something I must learn, before I could have a healthy relationship.

I have tried to learn what it means to love someone; it is not simple. I am much older now, yet I have not given up on the idea of having a positive relationship with a man. But I need to stop isolating.

This area of my life was severly affected by the abuse, but I am also confronted with the fact that there are not a lot of men who make good partners.

I am sure that we all have some of these difficulties.