when do children determine prefernce

[2001mom]

when do children (girls especially) determine their sexual preference. my daughter (6) enjoys "practice kissing" those are her words, with her girlfriend (age 7).   My concern is that they like to be secret (they hang out in the closet, not always kissing sometimes reading or talking) and that when asked, my daughter always is "the boy". what to do? (the mother of my daughters friend knows all this as well.)

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

In most children, sexual orientation usually emerges or becomes conscious in nature during early adolescence, though there are ceratinly instances when sexual orientation emerges at an earlier date.  I'm assuming that, when you use the term 'determine', you mean awareness. Sexual orientation is a complex matter of interaction among biological, environmental and cutural influences, and it is not something that we choose or determine in that sense. There is pretty much a consensus now about that fact. It might be useful to chat informally, casually with your daughter so that you gain an understanding of what she is conveying, but beyond that I would not pay particualt attention to the behavior as long as you are supervising the children and know that they are not engaging in inappropriate physical contact. It would be reasonable to insist that, if they are to be in the clset, they leave the door open. To permit them to be in the closet with the door closed is to invite problems.

[2001mom]

i agree with you completely about the "cause" of sexual orientation.
Now i'm wondering when/where to draw the line on what is "inappropriate physical contact" . Help please! (and thanks, sincerely)

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

In my opinion, and I'm sure there can be reasonable disagreement about this, children should not be kissing each other. Often when we talk about inappropriate physical contact we are actually referring to contact involving the genital area, buttocks or breasts. However, physical contact such as kissing is also inapproapriate.