past eating disorder tendencies

[wild.blue]

Well, I'd like to start by asking everyone to be understanding and not judgemental. I know I have a serious issue, that is why I'm being brave enough to admit it and ask for support

Anyways... I used to have a problem with eating. I would restrict my calories and work out constantly. I was addicted to being thin and the process in which it took to get there. During this pregnancy, I had bad m/s and could not eat very much and consequently lost a good amount of weight. My belly got big but everything else shrunk. It felt like all the access fat from my body all went to the baby, leaving the rest of me skinny.  WELL... feeling my new profound collar bones, tiny wrists, and defined jaw line... it brought back all the feelings of my eating disorder. I remember how good it felt to be so thin. I liked feeling the bones (i know its hard to understand). I was in the bathroom the other day admiring the new thinness of my arms, legs, shoulders. etc. It  scares  me. I dont want to get sucked into it again, especially not now!

As for my current eating, I always eat the suggested intake for veggies, fruits, whole grains. Half the time I eat the protein too. I have had feelings that my body (besides belly area) can stay thin on this veggie, fruit, grain, and protein diet. I just won't eat things like pizza, muffins, cookies. etc. I'm not sure if that is unhealthy/unhealty thinking or not?

I love my baby and I do not want them to be affecting by my problems. I dont want to be like this and I feel like a horrible person sometimes. But I have a disorder that will stay with me forever and I want to learn how to deal with it during this pregnancy so that I can eat properly.

thanks for listening. I feel much better admitting it

[cindy82]

aww, hun , im  so sorry your going through this. i have never  been through that but have read alot on it. just try to think of your baby,  i know you are thats why your telling us, try some of those drinks with extra vit and stuff if you find a day that you cant really eat, or wouldnt even hurt to drink one everyday. just do the best you can do

[wild.blue]

thanks for understanding cindy :) hopefully others will be too. I could cry right now, I do the best I can everyday..  It's just worrying and obsessing about it and wishing I could restrict and be thin. Mentally I am going crazy, physically I am healthy

[cindy82]

i know girl, just do the best you can, i found an article the other day talking about it and the husband didnt understand it and said the only way he could help her was to be like her. he done it a few days and said it was really hard, then it happened, he was obst with it, like something had tookin over him, i cant really explain all he said, but i have had friends like that to. just do the best you can, i know you can you seem stronge!!

[Rosa20]

well you did a really great thing coming on here and talking about it with someone...because hunny thats the best thing to do..and its the hardest thing to do...admitting something like that is not easy and im glad you were able to do it!! The girls on here are great..they give much advice that helps a bunch! LIke cindy said all you can do is think about the baby and the nutrients that you need to be giving the baby! as far as not eating the pizza goes and cookies and stuff i wouldnt worry to much about that because theres nothing wrong with eating healthy and staying away from fattening foods! It would prob just give you heart burn ne ways...lol...;) If you ever need to talk you can always use this place to vent and chat about how your feeling or what your feeling..its the best thing in the world to have sumone listen to how you feel and be able to talk to them about it without them judging you! I hope you are feeling better about your situation..best of luck hun!

[wild.blue]

awww I luv u guys! You all are making me feel so much better right now. I just have to find a way to block out all of my unhealthy urges..

[kennedydp5]

i don't know anything about eating disorders, but it sounds to me like you're eating pretty healthy!  i eat junk like quesadillas and raviolli for breakfast (i know not healthy!).  it also sounds like no matter what feelings you may have about wanting to be thin that it won't get in the way of you doing what's best for your baby!!! :)  so props to you and i hope that you will get all the support you need on here!!!

[Gina209]

First off, Congrats!! How far along are you? I give you lots of credit for being so brave and sharing such a personal aspect of your life with us. What you have is a disorder and I think it's important to remember that because a disorder isn't something that controls your body, it controls your mind. I can only imagine the personal struggle you have with this disorder. My best friend had it...and I lived through it with her...it controlled her entire being...it was very scary. For you though, it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and you know whats important. Just remember your baby is depending on you to grow and be healthy. It's not wrong of you to not eat pizza and ice cream...thats actually great!! Most pregnant women can't stop eating that sorta stuff (I know I couldn't!) So props to you for eating healthy for you and your baby. As long as you're getting the nutrients you & your baby needs, you'll be fine. Are you taking Prenatals too?
My husbands cousin was obsessed with her weight and working out...she barely hit the scare at 105...and she worked out twice a day. She's in her late 40's and she has the body of a 20 year old..fantastic shape. She got pregnant and didn't want to gain weight so she lived off of water and protein bars. At 5 months she ended up on bed rest because her body couldn't handle carrying the baby. She only put on 9 pounds her entire pregnancy..and 6 of that was the baby...she almost lost her baby girl because of her disorder. So just make sure you're getting all the Vitamins and nutrients you need. But it sounds to me like you're eating just fine, very healthy infact-good for you! And some women only gain weight in their bellys. When I was pregnant I didn't gain weight anywhere on my body but my belly...my best friend also only gained it in her tummy, you couldn't even tell she was pregnant!
So keep your head up girl...I don't think looking in the mirror and loving what you see is a bad thing..as long as you're being healthy.
If you still feel like your disorder is completely controlling your mind, see if you can get some help...maybe talk to a professional or something...you don't want to have it get more out of control when your pregnant. And remember we're always here for you!!

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Hi wild.blue.  I too suffered from an eating disorder about 10 years ago; maybe a little less than that.  Anyway, I know exactly what you are talking about.  The tendency is always there.  To this day, I don't look at my weight when I go to the doctor.  I go by the way my clothes fit.

When I had my first baby (I was 18), I took the depo provera shot for b/c afterwards.  Well, within 2 months I had gained 20 pounds.  Now, I'm only 5'2", so that is a lot of weight to gain and be short.  I was so proud of myself too because I had almost lost all of my baby weight prior to taking that shot.  I also had a mean husband, so that didn't help.  He knew I was insecure about this and he played that.  The truth is, I'd always been insecure about myself as many young girls are.  So, I started exercising when my son was about 2 years old.  I got a gym membership.  The same thing happened to me as what you have described.  I just wanted to get back to my regular size at first.  But once that happened, I'd say just 5 more pounds.  I kept saying that.  Before I knew it, I was 80 something pounds.  Everyone would get onto me.  My parents were on my case, my coworkers were on my case.  My boss came to me a few times telling me he and others were worried about me.  I just couldn't see what they saw.  But I was addicted to working out and I could tell you the amount of calories and fat any given thing I had.  I allowed myself like 500 calories a day.  If I chewed a piece of gum with 5 calories in it, that went against my calories for the day.  It got to where my stomach started sticking out some.  So, then of course I thought I was getting fatter.  But that was happening to me because I was starving myself.  If I could, I would work out twice a day for like 2 hours at a time.  I would work out sick with fever.  It didn't matter.  I started getting injuries because I wasn't taking care of myself.  I started getting sick a lot also.  Once the starvation really kicked in, I started the bulemia (sp??) thing also.  In December of that year, I got bronchitis/pnemonia (sp??) at the same time.  It was the 4th month in a row I had been sick.  I almost ended up in the hospital.  The company I worked for had a library with lots of books/tapes for work, but they also had a self help section.  They had a tape on these 2 eating disorders and what the symptoms and warning signs were.  I'll be damned if I didn't see myself right in front of my eyes on that TV.  I just cried.  I finally knew that I had a problem.  I knew that I had to get better for me and my son.  I still worked out but I had a limit for myself.  I also at healthy but foods that were good for me.  I just told myself that if I ate a reasonable diet and I excercised 3 to 4 times a week, then whatever size I was was what I was meant to be.  I told myself, that if I had to starve myself to be that thin, I probably wasn't meant to be that thin.  I didn't have a period for 2 or 3 years.  That was scary because I knew I wanted more children.  My body healed.  It just took a long time.  But I've had 4 more children since then.

I know I am all over the place with this e-mail.  My 7 month old daughter is ready for bed and crying in my ear so I have to go now.  But if you ever need to talk, I am always here.  I REALLY know what you are going through and how hard it is everyday.  But you can do it!!!  God bless you and your little one.  (((((HUGS))))))

[JoyRenee]

Sounds like you're eating