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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
cheating
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
cheating
by lovewomen, Jan 15, 2008 12:18PM
I recently started cheating with an escort service do to the fact that my wife will not do certian things in the bedroom that we did early in our marriage. I do not have any guilt feelings but look forward to the next time I am able. My wife and I actually have a better relationship now. Is this to good to be true?
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Feb 04, 2008 12:13AM
, Feb 04, 2008 12:13AM
To: cheating
I think this is a destructive way to handle the situation. You may be having your sexual needs met, so you are nicer to her and the relationship seems better. But by cheating on her you put the relationship at risk in two ways- one- she may find out and leave or never feel the same way about you or two- catching some disease and bringing it home, which would add injury to emotional suffering when she realized how she got the disease.
At risk is really the wholeness of your relationship. You are leading a double life and the woman you are supposed to love and trust most doesn't know about it. It has to be emotionally distancing- you may not feel guilt- but it probably doesn't add any intimacy. You are fooling her and you know it. You have broken a promise and you know it. You may not be found out by her- but you know how you are acting. I don't think carrying that need for secrecy, lying and covering your tracks ( including the money you spend) is going to help enrich your emotional connection with one another.
A better way would be to go to a counselor and talk through the issues in your sexual life. See why she doesn't want to do this act and why it's so important to you. I believe if you are both honest and realize that this act is coming between you, that she could find a way to do more with you and you might demand it less. What's at stake is not just a bit of sexual pleasure-- but who you are together, now, and in the future.
Pepper Schwartz, PhD
instead of lovewomen it needs to be needtolovewife
I assure you, she knows something is not right. YOU may feel the marriage is better now, but that is because you are secretly fulfilling your own selfish desires, so you would feel better. You aren't being the support that you vowed to her you would be. I guarantee you that she does not feel the marriage is better. Women know these things. They have reliable intuition and discernment, and if you do not tell her, she will find out on her own, and when she does, all hell will break loose.
You say you have no guilt, but I certainly hope you have enough of a conscience to feel that a moment of cheap pleasure with a total stranger is NOT worth your entire marriage when you COULD be getting that pleasure at home if only you'd stop and ask for it, or open your heart a little and think about what nice thing you could do for her that would allow her to spread the enjoyment your way. I'm afraid you've chosen very poorly, and yes, my friend, it most certainly IS too good to be true.
I assure you, she knows something is not right. YOU may feel the marriage is better now, but that is because you are secretly fulfilling your own selfish desires, so you would feel better. You aren't being the support that you vowed to her you would be. I guarantee you that she does not feel the marriage is better. Women know these things. They have reliable intuition and discernment, and if you do not tell her, she will find out on her own, and when she does, all hell will break loose.
You say you have no guilt, but I certainly hope you have enough of a conscience to feel that a moment of cheap pleasure with a total stranger is NOT worth your entire marriage when you COULD be getting that pleasure at home if only you'd stop and ask for it, or open your heart a little and think about what nice thing you could do for her that would allow her to spread the enjoyment your way. I'm afraid you've chosen very poorly, and yes, my friend, it most certainly IS too good to be true.
I assure you, she knows something is not right. YOU may feel the marriage is better now, but that is because you are secretly fulfilling your own selfish desires, so you would feel better. You aren't being the support that you vowed to her you would be. I guarantee you that she does not feel the marriage is better. Women know these things. They have reliable intuition and discernment, and if you do not tell her, she will find out on her own, and when she does, all hell will break loose.
You say you have no guilt, but I certainly hope you have enough of a conscience to feel that a moment of cheap pleasure with a total stranger is NOT worth your entire marriage when you COULD be getting that pleasure at home if only you'd stop and ask for it, or open your heart a little and think about what nice thing you could do for her that would allow her to spread the enjoyment your way. I'm afraid you've chosen very poorly, and yes, my friend, it most certainly IS too good to be true.
These folks that say just ask the wife and you will recieve are in a dream. I have stopped asking and say go for it. Thats why there's so many middle aged divorced women. They cant understand why their husbands cheat yet they wont have sex with them. If the wife would give some oral maybe she wouldnt end up the ex.
and by the way u want oral so bad from ur wife, what do u do that is so damn good in bed, do u do it in return for her. or r u just a me me me people!! i think ur wife needs to go out and find a real man!!!!!!!!
When I found out my husband cheated I took him to the cleaners. Woman know these things that men think they are getting away with.
Dove