fear of being a bad person, unworthy of love, etc

[ptaradactyl]

Hello all,
I am a 24-year-old female.
I have had a therapist tell me that I have a form of OCD, but then a psych tell me a year or two later that I don't... it's very confusing... Now she thinks I may have borderline personality disorder but honestly, I just don't think so. My obsessive thoughts rule a great deal of my life, and all my depression seems to stem from them, specifically. Besides... I've never really heard of BPD occurring in children... (have you?)
I have been fairly obsessed for most of my life with being a good person, and being afraid that I am a bad person. This started in childhood, when I was about 9 years old. It began with me confessing to my mom just about everything I'd ever done wrong or thought I'd done wrong. She would tell me it was okay, but then I just couldn't let it go, whatever it was... until the next obsession came along. I still worry obsessively about things I did in my childhood and am convinced that they make me unworthy of my family, friends and boyfriend's love.
Most of my childhood obsession revolve around a period of time when I was 7 years old and learned about sex from the kids at school and then from my mom. I guess I was totally overwhelmed and fascinated with it, then again, so were most of my friends, it seemed. I did some kind of weird stuff back then, I guess just out of sheer curiosity. I have a couple memories in particular that torture me: Being desperately curious about sex and what it was like and thinking, "Hey, my brother's a boy, maybe I could have sex with him!" I remember going into his room and pulling at his diaper, I guess thinking about having sex with him. He would have been about 3. I don't remember touching him at all, though, just pulling at his diaper. We were both laughing. But I guess I've always thought that it was really really bad and that I did something I just don't remember, something awful. I also remember dancing naked in front of the window when I was 7, when I saw that our neighbors were awake across the street with the light on. I was pulling at my vagina and I guess showing it off or something. I don't really think that anyone saw me. Anyway, it's those two memories that absolutely torture me. As far as I know, this intense sexual interest in my childhood only lasted a few months or a year or so, and then I think I lost interest. And by 9, I was feeling intensely guilty about that period of time when I was really interested in sex, believing myself to be a very bad person. I guess those are the two memories that my mom was the most surprised at when I told her as a 9 year old, and for some reason her reaction stays with me.
It's hard for me to even confess all of this anonymously. I'm still afraid that someone will read this and think that I really did do something that was really screwed up. Deep down I really do think I'm a pretty normal person, I'm an artist and writer and I guess pretty sensitive... but I obsess and obsess over these things until I want to die. I've had a lot of other obsessions in the past, fear of having AIDS, fear that I secretly hate my family, hearing terrible thoughts in my head, being afraid I'll hurt someone, etc, etc. I also have a fairly obsessive fear about getting pregnant regardless of how protected I am.
Does anyone else obsess about their childhood? I guess my compulsion would be that I feel the overwhelming urge to confess to people (still,) everything that I've ever done wrong. I feel that they can't possibly love me without knowing the "truth", and on some level I think I want to be told that I really am an evil person in order to justify the anxiety.
I'm afraid that by "confessing" this to you (any of you,) that I have just acted out my compulsion again. I always get temporary relief from confessing, but it never ever lasts. I guess it would just be good to know if other people have obsessions with being a good person or being evil or unworthy, and if they try to justify this belief by picking out things from the past.
Thanks for reading. I'm sorry this is so long, but it does feel good to write it down... (for the first time)
thank you
good luck to all,
tara

[Behr88]

Hi Tara.  I think I have sort of the same thing.  I've posted my whole long story above you on the forum.  I tend to obsess over mistakes I have made in the past.  Not so much sexual things, but giving the wrong answer in class or messing up something at work.  I still give myself trouble over mistakes I made in kindergarten, and I am now 26.  I just keep repeating the mistakes in my mind until I feel like I'm going crazy.  I obsess over what others think about me and take criticism really hard.  So I think we are kind of similar.  I don't know how much I can help, as I feel pretty messed up these days myself, but reading your story, I think it is normal for kids learning about sex to display some behavior exploring their sexuality and you should not be ashamed.  This definitely does not make you a bad person.  It is easier said than done, but you need to try to forgive yourself.  Everyone does things they regret, but what is important is that you learn from it and move on.  Hopefully eventually you and I will both be able to forgive ourselves.  Know that you are not the only one out there obsessing over the past!

[ptaradactyl]

thanks a lot for the support, i really appreciate it. it's comforting to hear someone else's story.

[cnote]

Hi, 24male. Suffer from Anxiety. (Not so much tonight, feels like it got lifted off my shoulders). Anyways! About your issue. I think it's very very normal to be like that. When you are a child, and something like that happens, it makes a memory... do you know what makes a memory? Adrenaline. Adrenaline rushes when something EXCITING and fun is happening and also when something DRAMATIC and TERRIBLE is happening. But That's what makes those memories that you can never seem to forget about.

Now, I obsess about my childhood. Almost to where its a bad thing. I collect things from the 80's. I'm always collecting cartoons from back in the day. I watch cartoons everynight before bed. It feels good to reminisce but I think it can be a bad thing too, b/c you are obsessing about the good things in the past, and like I said thats okay, but to an extent. You also got to move on, and love the NOW and the FUTURE. =)

I don't have the same problem you do, but I can tell you times when I was a child finding out about sex etc. It was almost tramatizing.. but exciting at the same time. I remember at a very young age, like 8 or 9.. going to one of my neighbors house, and we would go through their porn magazines.. and watch videos... and I felt so terrible about it. But, I've also experimented as a child too like you. Not with my siblings or anything. But I remember my cousin (a girl.. just wanted to make that clear lol.) took me out in the woods and had me get on top of her. I was excited, but also traumatized. We didnt do anything, but I felt terrible and sick and scared.

But its all normal. We are human. And sexual desire is something thats in our Human Nature. It always has. God has blessed us with those special parts... and at that age we are curious.

Learn to let it all go. Don't feel bad. (I know it's easier said that done. and i'm sure youve tried)

Hope this was somewhat helpful. =)

[moonflower13]

Tara,

I know what you're talking about, and sure, many other forum members and people with anxiety genes do. And, heck, even people who have never been diagnosed with anxiety could relate to your fears, to a degree. Nobody is perfect, everyone does silly things a  lot of the time, and many later have a bad conscience about it (then, many other couldn't care less and never even stop to think about it... I wouldn't like to be one of them anyway).

The things you described doing as a kid are pretty normal in a kid who has just begun to learn what sex is (since I won't say that you learn what sex is when you're a kid -it's just impossible) and is amazed and excited by it. I think many children around the age you were when you did those things act in a similar way as yourself. The difference between non-anxious people and anxious people is that anxious people are much more prone to tormenting themselves with such episodes, while non-anxious people will probably laugh at it and deem it as a funny anecdote from a time when they were innocent -because that's what you were back then, an innocent child. You did those things because, to your eyes, they were normal, funny things and there was nothing to be embarrassed about in doing them. Everyone has done things like that. Children have a playful nature, and they like to explore all new things, they like to be active in them. It is a part of growing up.

I know none of that matters as long as you don't find the way to see things as they are, and understand that none of that makes you a bad person -far, far from that. I hope that knowing you are far from being a rarity helps you a little -you aren't exactly alone, lol. I hope you find peace of mind.

*hug*

[Angie162]

Tara,
I agree with the others.  You know, I think that this is just in our nature, to scrutinize every aspect of our lives.  Thinking of what we did as chidren and wondering if that was 'normal behavior' tends to haunt people like us.  I know exactly what you are going through.  For ex.  Oh my gosh, I remember that time when I stole a sticker from the dollar store, that must mean I am *diagnosis*!!!!  Yikes.  Please try to remember that you are not alone.  There are so many others that are going through the same thing you are.  I will be thinking of you, and I hope that you will work past this.  You were acting like a normal kiddo.  Children have different ways of exploring and learning then adults.  You should not feel ashamed.  

[jo929]

what you are saying is perfectly normal in growing up our curosity as children is so natural and the guilt also wanting mommy to thinkwe are ok i am an older   person have worked in medical feild 40 years and my dear if that is all you have done in childhood it is a natural thing also  now that you have confessed all leave it right here just as you would throw an old newspaper away your past is gone now lets go forward and think positive twords the future no one can have a future if they live or are obsessed with the past dr have a habil of putting labels on people. so sad  sometimes we get a bit confused you are young i hope healthy i dont know if you take medicine , somtimes if we try hard enough we can take control of our life and move forward now that you know the reason work for the solution you sound like an intelligent young woman so now turn your life around and be happy     lots of luck   jo    

[ptaradactyl]

thank you everyone...
i do take meds and have been on a variety since i was a child. it's nice to be part of a community where people understand what you're going through.

[Peaches5036]

I too suffered from "THE PERFECT PERSON SYNDROME"

Life is not perfect,no person is perfect. there are ups and downs. We are all precious children of God. We are all worthy of love and forgiveness.

Try sincere prayer. It works. God is Love.

And to you cynics out there, poor poor baby. The world does not revolve around you.
P.S. God loves the cynics too and so do I.

[Sasha451]

I was diagnosed with OCD at age 16, which is when I had a nervous breakdown. I have taken anti-depressants off and on since then.  I had intense emotions, mostly anger, that consumed from the age of 13 - 16, with bad thoughts.  I was angry at my mom mostly.  I never thought I would be able to have inner peace.  I always prayed, compulsively.  When I was about 20 years old I started going to a church and changed my eating style - no sugar, completely healthy choices, a lot of those emotions left me.  Now, I am at a stage in my life where I am married and have a wonderful healthy 14 month old daughter.  I have a successful career also.  My dilemna is that I have mixed feelings about my husband, I don't know if I love him, I second guess myself a lot the time-I am obsessed with it and it is so tiresome.