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Parenting Toddlers (1-5) Community
This patient support community is for discussions relating to the challenges of parenting toddlers (age 1-5), including physical, speech, sensory, cognitive and emotional development, choosing a daycare/nanny, games & activities, and toilet training.
Defiant disorder (urination): 5 year old girl
by SFMOMMY, Jan 27, 2008 04:27PM
We have an intelligent and highly sensitive five year old daughter with a control issue. She's probably the youngest in her class and is exceeding the requirements. She's a negotiator. She's bothered by loud noises (like school assembly), scratchy clothing, socks with seams, and anyone who's talking while she's trying to concentrate. She sleeps like a teenager (the first to fall asleep and the last to rise). She squeels like a pig every time we brush her hair, though we use special hair detangle creams and special brushes. She eats bland and constipating foods (bananas, rice, apples, toast) and will not venture her taste buds to a vegetable or different pasta sauce (she'd rather starve than eat). She will not say "please" or "thank you" or "I'm sorry" (even when presented with rewards for doing so). She will not accept responsibility for anything (it's always a sibling's fault or ours). She defiantly unbuckles her seatbelt while in transit. She takes her aggressions out on our three-year old often swinging objects at her. She often has tantrums like you would expect of a toddler (kicking and screaming on the floor) because SHE SIMPLY MUST HAVE HER WAY AT ALL COSTS. After most of these tantrums, we send her to sleep with a hug and she typically rests for 2-3 hours.
I mention these things because perhaps they provide a foundation of understanding for what I am about to tell you.... something that is deeply disturbing to our family. Namely, that she has been urinating in unusual places in our home out of complete and utter defiance (about 6-7 times). She has deficated in the hallway in front of me, she has also urinated in secrecy in her bed during the daytime, and in our bedroom, and on the couch, and in my office, and in the bathroom on the bath mat. The act is deliberate and defiant.
We are unable to discipline her:
>> We have tried timeouts (she kicks furniture, the door, bites and scratches)
>> We take toys away from her concentrating on the equity toy (but this elevates the whining and endless negotiation)
>> We have tried splashing water on her face to divert her attention (but she has an unsatiable anger)
>> We have resorted to an occassional spank (which seemed to work at first), but even this has become less effective over time.
Please know that our biggest mistake is that we do not always remain calm -- and I'm most often at fault. My husband has spent good time with her, but I have been absorbed in managing a struggling new business. It's as though she's mastered the art of pushing my buttons! We do, however, tell her that she is a good child who just happens to be behaving badly at the moment. We praise her when she plays nicely with her sibling and we tell her how she makes us proud in her artwork and schoolwork. Incidentally, she doesn't have a behavior problem at school or the after hours, but she didn't like going at first because "they had too many rules." We give her choices at mealtime, and allow her to dress inappropriately (e.g. sleeping in a raincoat, or wearing a bathing suit in winter), choosing to pick our battles. Our younger children do not have any issues.
Could you tell me about Opposition Defiant Disorder and whether this may apply? My mother read something about this, but misplaced the article. We are most concerned about the urination issue and how our child's behaviors may become more serious in her teenage years.
I mention these things because perhaps they provide a foundation of understanding for what I am about to tell you.... something that is deeply disturbing to our family. Namely, that she has been urinating in unusual places in our home out of complete and utter defiance (about 6-7 times). She has deficated in the hallway in front of me, she has also urinated in secrecy in her bed during the daytime, and in our bedroom, and on the couch, and in my office, and in the bathroom on the bath mat. The act is deliberate and defiant.
We are unable to discipline her:
>> We have tried timeouts (she kicks furniture, the door, bites and scratches)
>> We take toys away from her concentrating on the equity toy (but this elevates the whining and endless negotiation)
>> We have tried splashing water on her face to divert her attention (but she has an unsatiable anger)
>> We have resorted to an occassional spank (which seemed to work at first), but even this has become less effective over time.
Please know that our biggest mistake is that we do not always remain calm -- and I'm most often at fault. My husband has spent good time with her, but I have been absorbed in managing a struggling new business. It's as though she's mastered the art of pushing my buttons! We do, however, tell her that she is a good child who just happens to be behaving badly at the moment. We praise her when she plays nicely with her sibling and we tell her how she makes us proud in her artwork and schoolwork. Incidentally, she doesn't have a behavior problem at school or the after hours, but she didn't like going at first because "they had too many rules." We give her choices at mealtime, and allow her to dress inappropriately (e.g. sleeping in a raincoat, or wearing a bathing suit in winter), choosing to pick our battles. Our younger children do not have any issues.
Could you tell me about Opposition Defiant Disorder and whether this may apply? My mother read something about this, but misplaced the article. We are most concerned about the urination issue and how our child's behaviors may become more serious in her teenage years.
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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome
The second part of your description does remind me of some anxiety issues (but this section is not a clear as the items in my first paragraph) - control and manipulation behaviours, not showing manners when expected (please, thank you, etc.), tantrums and frustrations. You might wish to google the phrase "childhood anxiety" or something similar.
As far the the ODD - Oppositional Defiant Disorder, it is considered to be an anxiety disorder. If you google the term "Oppositional Defiant Disorder" or even ODD, you should be able to find lots and lots of information. One book which you might find helpful is "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene. I noticed this posting was at the beginning of the year and I hope you receive the two replies that were submitted today. I wish you the best ....