Help! My Past is coming to Haunt me!

[adonis82]

Ok.. so recently my boyfriend gave me the option to quit drinking on the weekdays or we would have to end the relationship.. I need to tell you a little about my past, I have done plenty of drugs when I was in High School.. i used to sell exctasy and did a lot of it, probably around 800-10000 pills, I have also done coke, weed, acid, shrooms, and basically everything you could think of.. i got busted when i was 21 and decided i should give all the drugs up, and I did, just drinking which was legal.. so now I am 25, and i honestly say that I have a problem with my alcohol, I drink way more than a normal person should drink on the average.. but I  do go to work, I never drink on the job, never hard liqour.. just beer or champagne.. I use it as my relaxation from work when I get home because i am a server.. So recently I have been having these anxiety attacks or meltdowns, when things aren't going right at work, or sometimes I feel weird when i am around people I don't know too well, to the extent where it makes me feel uncompfortable.. People at work had offered me drugs such as xantax or valium and it has helped me so much that I can work throughout the day and feel normal.. I feel like a lot of these effects are from the amount of halucinative drugs I have taken in the past. But my boyfriend feels like there is nothing wrong with me, and just thinks I have an addictive personality,  but I know I have anxiety a lot in certain situations. So I have been going to this psychologist for 1 month and was not completely honest about my past. My boyfriend wants to go with me to tell him that I have an addictive personality although i have been off street drugs for quite sometime, over 3 years..  but wants to tell him I had been self prescribing..The relationship is on the line, but I want him to understand that the effects from all the extacy and acid and everything else can cause anxiey, and although I didn't tell my Psychologists that I have a history of addictiveness and alcoholism, I still have major anxiety.. especially at work..  I am willing to quit drinking so much, but I feel like my anxiety gets the best of me at work.. what should I do?

[JSGeare]

Let me see if I have this right:

"But my boyfriend feels like there is nothing wrong with me, and just thinks I have an addictive personality."

In other words, an addictive personality is an OK thing? Nothing wrong there?

And this:

"when i was 21 and decided i should give all the drugs up, and I did...People at work had offered me drugs such as xantax or valium and it has helped me so much that I can work throughout the day and feel normal.."

That sounds to me like you're still using, right?

The panic/anxiety thing makes sense to me in the broad context of an adolesent development which was very likely corrupted by the drug experiences. So, there's some unfinished emotional and mental development business there, I think, and the panic is a way of calling attention to it. I'm not sure what the b/f hopes to accomplish by tossing in his 2 cents worth on the addictive personality side, and then drawing a line in the sand as to weekday drinking. It is possible that what you two are presenting to one another are really some sort of psychological "hand puppets" which act as proxies for other agendas you carry which may or may not be within your conscious awareness. I'm not an expert on this -but I've had plenty of exposure to people and situations such as you've described. Therefore, it seems possible to me that your post, itself, is really another "game piece." That doesn't mean we don't take it seriously -we absolutely do. The issue is simply understanding exactly what it is we are reading.

I'm not sure why the psychologist is being kept in the dark, although I suspect he/she knows more than you might imagine. I believe most people here would agree that handling the panic is going to be difficult given the intake of alcohol and drugs and what appears to be a somewhat unsettled relationship. Essentially, I think you are asking us for some pointers on managing the panic without making too many changes to anything else. But what most people here are going to tell you, I think, is that your entire life needs an "overhaul" at this point. Just focusing on the panic will be about as effective as re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

But, to answer your question: "...what should I do?" Print out your post and all the responses to it, and take it to your psychologist. Spend some time thinking about where you are headed, living as you are, and what you want for your life. It is possible that you really are quite content where you are, in the hospitality business.

And I do think it is possible to control the panic and anxiety with medication -as you've experienced from the drugs you get at work. But what happens over time, with increased intake of alcohol and adjustment of meds, is that your life becomes more and more all about controlling the panic and maintaining sufficient alcohol in your blood stream. It is difficult to appreciate the problems this will cause later, which is exactly why so many people need for "later" to happen before they make the necessary changes to their lives.

Also, why not become a full-fledged member of this forum, so you can send/receive private messages and otherwise form an identity here. If things get really rocky down the road, we just may be the life-line you need, and meanwhile there is a place you can pretty much say what you please without fear of being judged, etc. If you can do it, I hope you will keep a journal here on site, that tracsk what you do about your situation and what happens to you.

I can GAR-ON-TEE that there are plenty of folks here who have been and are exactly where you are. Thanks for posting. You've got your hands full, my friend and I wish you the best.

[LukeL]

Remem a doctor cannot treat you if you lie to them. If you really want to get better you need to open up to your doctor and tell him the truth. Also be completly honest with your boyfriend, tell him how you really feel and why you feel that way. Having him come to a couple of your sessions is a must, as he might  have some issues himself.

[CaliGirl48]

I would have to agree with js and luke on this one, not being honest and upfront about the entirety of your problem is going to get you nowhere, and certainly not get you the help you need.

You found it easy enough to be honest about your addictions here, I'm wondering why you haven't done that with your doctor..
Don't get me wrong we welcome you and are glad you are here, and you can always be honest here, but hun you need to be honest with the doctors that are trying to help you also.

Another thing .... what you need right now is support. And I'm sorry if this sounds mean, but if your boyfriend can't support you, then you should quit him right along with the alcohol. Talk to him, explain this is hard for you, tell him what you are going through at work, and that you are in therapy and are working on bettering yourself. Ask him for his support. If you do that and he refuses....take the trash out girl and get rid of him. Life is too short not to have people around you that will love and support you during your downtimes.

And please, the next appointment you have with your doctor....tell them EVERYTHING, write it down before hand if need be. And then you can start getting the help you need to get through this. You may be referred to a support group such as AA and thats exactly what you need right now.

Don't be a stranger here either, you have tons of support here also :)

Good Luck!

~Crystal

[suzi-q]

YOu have to tell the truth to your doctor...only then can he help you.  The same way you need to be honest with a medical doctor about symptoms, you have to do the same.  Remember, the psychologist is not there to judge you, but to help you.  And trust me, they have heard it all!  It will also be a great relief to you to get it all off your chest.  I do not feel it is your boyfriend's place to accompany you to the doctor.  It is what YOU feel comfortable with .  Best to you.

[FMXSMKR]

Exactly what I was going to say suzi-q.  I tried to get this point across to my sister too.  The therapist is not your FRIEND.  They get PAID to hear your problems and there is no point at all in lying or omitting any facts.  They are not going to judge you, this is their JOB and like suzi says, have heard it all.  So please be honest so your therapist can assess you correctly and therefore can properly treat you.  

It's like some people who post on here.  Everyone will go one way with their advice, then the poster will reveal a crucial fact which will kind of negate previous advice.  You see?

Best of luck to you.  Let us know how you are...........

[LukeL]

I am also unsure about your take on religion, but a member of the  clergy will never be judgmental and will always be there for support and a shoulder to lean on. A lot of churches will have support groups for a whole range of issues ranging from substance abuse, to victims of domestic violence. Also call your local court house as there are usually free consueling sessions and group therapy offered via the county.

[JSGeare]

Well, we have a number of responses to the situation, adonis, but nothing from you. What do you think so far?

[helpforafriend]

hey i just think you need some sort of thing to keep your mind busy if you crave things, try to get into a hobby you can think about something you really enjoy. something to look forward to, to aim towards. find out what you like doing that isnt harmful to you or the people around you, believe in yourself and you'll get through it and ask your boyfriend for help because he seems like hes definately willing. good luck!