10 year old son has rude, disrespectful behavior

[sandra5263]

Our 10 year old son is exceptionally rude, grumpy and disrespectful and defiant at home.  This tends to peak at half years, ie, has always been worse at 9 1/2 years of age than at 9 or at 10.  We've noticed this pattern since he was a toddler.  I've read lots of books, consulted with the school counselor, a Developmental Psychologist, etc. but we can't seem to get a handle on this.  School is a different story and always has been.  He is a wonderful student, a leader, teachers enjoy him and have great things to say about him.  They are always shocked when I share the difficulty that we experience at home.  None of this behavior is ever displayed at school.  He has many friends, plays sports and guitar.  He is a welcome guest at play dates.  Parents of his friends often comment on his polite behavior and again, are always surprised if I share details of his behavior at home.  

We also have an 8 year old son who does not display these same types of behavior.  Regarding our family life, these children have been raised in a stable, loving, 2 parent family.  We have many close friends and family members.  Everyone is puzzled by this kid, but again, the behaviors only occur within our immediate family.  Never, ever with friends or relatives.  

We are at our wits end.  When he's pleasant, he's so much fun to be around.  I've always said that he's 85% great but the 15% that hard is absolutely grueling.  With everything we've tried, we've never really made any significant difference.  We will have periods of relative peace which can last for a couple of months, but we can never pinpoint why this happens.  Just as we can never know what really sets him off.  

So.....what to do?  Grounding has not helped.  Taking things away doesn't seem to matter.   Talking about the impact of his behavior on other people, ie us, doesn't seem to matter to him.  He seems never to have remorse, just anger when consequences are imposed.  

Any ideas will be appreciated.  Thanks so very much.
Sandra

[citmguth]

My Gosh.  I could have written this email.  Our 91/2 year old son has all of the same behaviors.  He is a beloved student at school, but a terror at home.  He talks like he's 13 years old.  Disrespectful, angry, selfish.  His 7 year old brother is so easy going and fun to be around.  This kid truly makes our home a miserable place to be much of the time.  No punishment, carrot, etc. helps.

I, too, would be interested in thoughts on this.

[nann36]

We have the same problem with our 8 year old son. He has numerous allergies and is asthmatic. We often wonder whether this has contributed somehow to his behaviour problem - similar to sandra5263, his is cyclical too but often every 4 - 6 weeks. Inbetween, he is an absolute angel!