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Eating Disorders Community
I'm Scaring Myself. Please Help!
by evergreen19, Feb 05, 2008 08:27PM
Hi Kids Help Phone,
Last year, my mom went on a diet (Weight Watchers) and I decided I could do to lose a couple pounds, so I did it with her. I can’t remember when I started but I know that by the end of June, I had lost 15 pounds and I felt great. I fit into jeans that I had stopped wearing because they were uncomfortable, and I was just proud of myself. But I still wasn’t really happy with how my body looked. I felt great, but I knew I needed to get in shape more (even though I was dieting, I wasn’t exercising).
Starting in July and going to October, I gained 25 pounds. So not only had I gained back the weight I lost, but I gained even more than that. It made me feel terrible about myself, especially when even my parents started to say that I needed to lose weight.
In December, I decided that enough was enough, and I needed to start watching what I ate. From about half way through December to just a week ago, I had lost 13 pounds. This put me back to the weight I was at last year when I started dieting. I was happy that I wasn’t really overweight anymore but I still knew that I needed to lose 15 pounds to be where I was last June, and 20 to be where I ideally want to be.
I went away for a couple of days last weekend, and although I didn’t follow Weight Watchers, I tried to watch what I was eating to make sure I didn’t gain back everything that I had lost. I succeeded in that and only gained one pound while I was away. but since I’ve been back, I have been eating like crazy. All I have done is eat and I don’t follow any diet of any sort. And not only am I just eating a lot, but it’s a lot of bad things (especially chocolate). In only a week, I have gained 5 pounds, and I feel absolutely horrible about myself. Even while I’m eating, I know I shouldn’t be but I don’t stop. I even eat until I feel sick that I’ve been eating so much, but it doesn’t stop me from eating more.
So one reason I’m writing this is because of the amount I’m eating. I can’t seem to control it and it makes me feel terrible but I just keep eating and eating. It’s really upsetting me and I find myself crying a lot because of it.
The other reason I’m writing this is because I know that I am on the verge of an eating disorder. Every time I eat, I think about making myself throw up, but because I’ve never done it before (like when I was just not feeling well and knew I needed to throw up to feel better), I’ve been scared to try. Just before I started to write this (and just after weighing myself), I came the closest I ever have to actually going through with making myself throw up (I was leaning over a toilet and I put my fingers in my throat but I didn’t push down or anything to activate my gag reflex). I’m really worried about this because I know how bad bulimia is for you, but I’m starting to feel like it’s my last resort to lose weight. I’m going away somewhere tropical in March and I want to be confident in myself when I do.
So I’m just really worried about myself, I guess. I’m thinking I maybe have a combination of eating disorders..Binge eating followed by bulimia perhaps. I don’t know, I”m not a professional here but I have learned about these things in school.
I’m just asking for help. I don’t want to hurt myself but I worry that soon I am going to.
Last year, my mom went on a diet (Weight Watchers) and I decided I could do to lose a couple pounds, so I did it with her. I can’t remember when I started but I know that by the end of June, I had lost 15 pounds and I felt great. I fit into jeans that I had stopped wearing because they were uncomfortable, and I was just proud of myself. But I still wasn’t really happy with how my body looked. I felt great, but I knew I needed to get in shape more (even though I was dieting, I wasn’t exercising).
Starting in July and going to October, I gained 25 pounds. So not only had I gained back the weight I lost, but I gained even more than that. It made me feel terrible about myself, especially when even my parents started to say that I needed to lose weight.
In December, I decided that enough was enough, and I needed to start watching what I ate. From about half way through December to just a week ago, I had lost 13 pounds. This put me back to the weight I was at last year when I started dieting. I was happy that I wasn’t really overweight anymore but I still knew that I needed to lose 15 pounds to be where I was last June, and 20 to be where I ideally want to be.
I went away for a couple of days last weekend, and although I didn’t follow Weight Watchers, I tried to watch what I was eating to make sure I didn’t gain back everything that I had lost. I succeeded in that and only gained one pound while I was away. but since I’ve been back, I have been eating like crazy. All I have done is eat and I don’t follow any diet of any sort. And not only am I just eating a lot, but it’s a lot of bad things (especially chocolate). In only a week, I have gained 5 pounds, and I feel absolutely horrible about myself. Even while I’m eating, I know I shouldn’t be but I don’t stop. I even eat until I feel sick that I’ve been eating so much, but it doesn’t stop me from eating more.
So one reason I’m writing this is because of the amount I’m eating. I can’t seem to control it and it makes me feel terrible but I just keep eating and eating. It’s really upsetting me and I find myself crying a lot because of it.
The other reason I’m writing this is because I know that I am on the verge of an eating disorder. Every time I eat, I think about making myself throw up, but because I’ve never done it before (like when I was just not feeling well and knew I needed to throw up to feel better), I’ve been scared to try. Just before I started to write this (and just after weighing myself), I came the closest I ever have to actually going through with making myself throw up (I was leaning over a toilet and I put my fingers in my throat but I didn’t push down or anything to activate my gag reflex). I’m really worried about this because I know how bad bulimia is for you, but I’m starting to feel like it’s my last resort to lose weight. I’m going away somewhere tropical in March and I want to be confident in myself when I do.
So I’m just really worried about myself, I guess. I’m thinking I maybe have a combination of eating disorders..Binge eating followed by bulimia perhaps. I don’t know, I”m not a professional here but I have learned about these things in school.
I’m just asking for help. I don’t want to hurt myself but I worry that soon I am going to.
Post Comment
try skip dinner. have big breakfast. mid lunch. and maybe a bread for dinner.
Oh and whatever you do, DO NOT start throwing up!! Trust me, once you start it is nearly impossible to stop. It is always in the back of your mind. I have dealt with it for over a decade and it is horrible.
Please talk to a therapist if you are a university student you can get free confidential therapy from a proffessional counselor there. I am a nurse who has a lot of experience with eating disorder pts. and Im not trying to scare you Im trying to help you nip this in the bud now before it takes on a life of its own! Its not about the food its about self esteem body issues and self worth and now is the time to seek help!!