well-meaning (I think) but offensive

[pennst8r]

I know we've talked before about people who are just plain rude about our unique conditions. I have one I need to share. There is a fairly young woman at work. We have 2 "teams" in my office. I supervise one; this woman is staff on the other team, so I do not directly supervise her. She has been with us for only about 6 months - you can see that I am trying to find an excuse for her actions before I even tell you what she did, lol.

She is into holistics, vegetarianism, etc. So when she said she was going to bring me in some reading material about my "MS" (though I have told her 100 times I have no diagnosis) from a book she really likes, I thought it would be holistic in nature and did not object. What she brought in was basically a listing of different ailments and what personality flaws people who suffer from them have, plus affirmations to say to yourself to break your flaws and therfore cure yourself.

You will all be flattered to know that people with MS have it because they are "hard-hearted, fearful, headstrong" and some other equally as flattering terms. If your legs are affected, it is because you are "fearful of moving forward in your life". I WAS LIVID!!!! I have no doubt been called many things but hard hearted is no tone. I literally give more than I can afford to anyone who asks. I frequently give away my lunches for the week to clients who say they're hungry and put in many hours volunteering for the homeless. I 'm not tooting my horn, just trying to explain why I'm so offended by this. Headstrong? You betcha - that's how I've survived 16 months of this! But the rest is such cr*p.

This book actually says people with muscular dystrophy have it because they're afraid to grow up!!! What century was this written???  I am trying to choose to think she was trying in some very strange way to be helpful, but good Lord! I am also so very offended on behalf of all of you who are diagnosed.

OK, done with my rant. Thank you for letting me get that off my shoulders. Since I am a supervisor I cannot tell her where to shove her book and how far up, so I had to get it out somewhere.

Penn

[gooddays]

HI,

THAT EMPLOYEE HAS NOT READ MY THEORY OF WHY WE HAVE MS.  I HAVE POSTED IT A FEW TIMES, BUT HERE IT GOES AGAIN, I HOPE YOU CAN E-MAIL IT TO HER SUPERVISOR.

MY THEORY IS THAT THE LORD DECIDED THAT ONLY SPECIAL PEOPLE HAVE MS.  SPECIAL PEOPLE ARE THOSE WHO CARE FOR OTHERS, ARE ALWAYS THERE WHEN SOMEBODY NEEDS A SHOULDER TO CRY, CAN ENDURE PAIN AND COME OUT AS WINNERS.  THE LORD DOES NOT MADE MISTAKES, THEREFORE, MY REASON TO BELIEVE WE ARE SPECIAL.  THERE ARE NOT SO MANY PEOPLE WHO CAN GO THROUGH ALL THE HURDLES THAT US MSERS GO THROUGH, BUT AT THE SAME TIME PULL THROUGH. THIS FORUM IS FILLED WITH MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE, MAY HAVE OR ARE STILL IN LIMBO LAND, BUT WHEN ONE OF US IS GOING THROUGH ROUGH WATERS, WE ARE ALL THERE TO HELP OUT, AT LEAST WITH OUR PRAYERS.

PENN IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD KEEP A JOURNAL, JUST IN CASE, ANYTHING THAT THIS EMPLOYEE DOES TO YOU AND EVEN MENTIONS YOUR CONDITION AS UNDERSTIMATING IT BECAUSE OF HER BELIEVES, BECAUSE AND I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THIS, THERE ARE LAWS THAT PROTECT YOU FROM BEING HARRASSED JUST BECAUSE OUR CONDITION IS HARDLY EVER NOTICED, WHEN YOU LOOK AT SOMEONE WITH MS, UNLESS YOU KNOW HE/SHE HAS IT, YOU ALWAYS LOOK GOOD,  HENCE, ONE OF THE COMMENTS THAT I DO NOT LIKE AT ALL "BUT YOU LOOK SO GOOD".

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP AND TRY NOT TO GIVE THIS PERSON A SECOND THOUGHT THAT WILL TAKE AWAY YOUR PEACE AND MAY CAUSE YOU A RELAPSE OR WORSEN YOUR SYMPTOMS.  SHE IS SOMEONE WHO FOR ALL IT MATTERS, DOES NOT EXISTS BECAUSE SHE IS THE HEART HEADED ONE AND FEELS THREATENED BECAUSE THERE IS A SUPERVISOR WHO HAS MS AND STILLS HOLDS A BETTER POSITION THAN SHE DOES, WITHOUT ANY CONDITION AT ALL.

TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF AND MAY THE LORD BLESS YOU WITH BRIGHTER DAYS.

ZULMA

[monotreme]

Wait a minute...this author was on Oprah???  And to think I have called the show and talked to producers to ask them to do shows on Cushings (when Craig's doctor thought he had it) and undiagnosed illnesses.  But the producer said that Oprah doesn't like to do depressing shows about disease.

Sure, but she will put on garbage like that instead??  Maybe Oprah's thyroid disease is effecting her brain.

Elaine

[biowham]

Wow, that woman is an idiot. What did the book have to say about that? Can you xerox it and give it to her?

E

[Snowflake99]

Hi Zilla, and thank you for such a lovely, friendly response!! I have a complicated story - I've been diagnosed with some things, but there a lot of other questions about what's been happening to me lately, which is how I found myself here. However, I will stop hi-jacking Penn's post and will explain on another one. It's really nice to meet you!

[Momzilla]

Snowflake~

Welcome!  We're glad you found us.  Thanks for sharing your 'on-the-mark' thoughts.  I'm sorry your boss hurt you like that.  Are you diagnosed?  We'd love to hear your whole story if you'd like to share that as well.  Why don't you start your own post if you're up to it.  If you've been lurking around a while, you know this is a very friendly group.  

Take care!

Zilla*

[SOONERMOM]

hehe  too funny.  Hey, that book might be useful after all--when you hit her upside the head with it!!

(Sorry, I just had an exam for life insurance and am in a weird state of mind)

Stacey

[Snowflake99]

Hello there, I'm new here, but I had to post when I saw what you wrote. I'm so sorry that somebody referenced that stupid, stupid book to you. It was referenced to me - also in the workplace, but by my boss at the time - when I first got sick in 2004. I can laugh about the ridiculousness of (most of) it now, but it made me pretty upset at the time. It was accompanied by a number of crazy comments including her theory that I only got sick because I had to atone for something from a past life (!) and a whole lot of other rubbish.

If I may offer my twopence worth, I would let your colleague speak to her so that she doesn't offer any more "insight". She has no right to do what she did, regardless of why she did it. You have enough to contend with, without expending precious energy on that nonsense. In my case, the person involved kept up her rubbish for a number of months, ringing me several times a day, even when I was in hospital. It became extremely stressful, and some of the things she said as to "why" I got sick still hurt me now on days when I feel particularly bad and down. Please try not to let it get to you, these people just don't have a clue. Do let your colleague outline to her why what she did was thoughtless and wrong though, and she's unlikely to do it again.

[Momzilla]

You go, girl!

What an insensitive fool.  To see someone suffer as you have been for so long, and to then in effect "blame" you for the suffering is what this twit is doing.  But she's hiding behind this idiot author.  How passive agressive.  Let's roast her!

Good for you for bringing it up with the other office supervisor!

Grit your teeth and growl every time she walks past you.  Maybe she'll think you have rabies and there's some character STRENGTH associated with that!  Or maybe you'll just confuse and frighten her.  Try it!

Zilla*

[Jazzyfizzle]

Wow, I think I completely saw red when I read that. Unbelieveable. But boy, not surprising :(  the way some of these people think.  
I've gotten the Asparatame email also from people, and one relative thinks Mangostein juice will cure me. Lord help us.

I second all the advice from everyone, great ideas as usual from this gang.
If this chick ever brings it up again, maybe you could reply-  'No thanks, I'm not into quack gimmicks'  Hehehe

Hang in there!!

Jazzy

[Rena705]

You say that book was "You can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay?!  She was on Oprah last night spouting some **** about how to make your life so much better just by thinking differently blah blah blah...I didn't catch it all but I caught enough to figure out that this woman had obviously not had a difficult day in her life and if she did she caused it herself!  I shut it off before very long I can tell ya!

[doublevision1]

It sounds like you try to seek out the best in people, which is an admirable quality.  Me, I'm a skeptic and tend to believe that many people offering to 'help' often have their own agenda (not always, but often).

Hmmm, what would I do in your situation?  Probably I would play dumb (I'm very good at this), smile sweetly and thank her for efforts.  If she really did mean to help (although this is highly unlikely), then no harm no foul.  If she had ulterior motives, it would bug the h*** out of her that her message was lost.  Take a deep breath, take comfort in the fact that you know there is no science to back up those claims and thus she is an idiot for recommending this book, and make the decision not to allow her nastiness to impact you.  People like that aren't worth expending energy on.

I would personally keep colleagues out of it and try to take the high road.  These situations have a way of getting overblown once third parties start jumping in and taking sides.  I don't know that there is anything to gain by going to her supervisor; this is between she and you.  I fear that the message this person would get is that you cannot handle this on your own, which would only reinforce whatever screwed up beliefs she has about people with MS.  Don't give her the satisfaction.

Thanks for sharing this with us.  Your story reinforces my intention to keep my MS as quiet as possible, as far as my workplace goes.  

Have a great day!

db1

[sllowe]

WELL, WE CAN ALWAYS JUST CUT THROUGH ALL THE DIPLOMACY, AND TELL HER SHE CAN CRAM THAT BOOK UP HER ASH, ALONG WITH THE EMAIL ABOUT ASPARTAME CAUSING OUR MS - ha/ha/ha. . .

I've still got the itchy bit going on - a little cranky. . .  

SL

[SOONERMOM]

OK--that just makes me want to scream and throw up all at the same time!!  Obviously she has never had to experience any real medical hardship and can not in any way even BEGIN to appreciate what you are going through!  I'm sorry penn, but you have to live in the real world and don't have the luxury of thinking this is a "personality flaw" (like she does)!!!!

WHAT HAPPENED TO COMPASSION???  I really don't get it,
Stacey

[pennst8r]

WRITING IN CAPS FOR T.  YOU ARE ALL TOUGHIES AND SOME OF THE STRONGEST, MOST FEARLESS PEOPLE I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED. THAT'S WHY I AM SO DEEPLY OFFENDED BY THIS BOOK. I DID TELL MY COUNTERPART ABOUT IT. SHE WAS VERY IRATE TOO AND OFFERED TO SPEAK TO THIS WOMAN. I AM CONSIDERRING LETTING HER, THOUGH AT FIRST I SAID IT WASN'T NECESSARY. SHE'S MAD ENOUGH THAT I THINK SHE WILL SPEAK TO HER WHETHER I WANT HER TO OR NOT. SHE'S SEEN HOW "AFRAID OF MOVING FORWARD" I AM WHEN I AM ON THE FLOOR (WE SHUT THE DOOR THEN SO NO ONE BUT SHE WILL SEE ME IN A BAD STATE) AND I WILL NO TLET HER HELP ME UP. I WILL GET UP ON MY OWN NO MATTER WHAT (THERE'S THAT "HEADSTRONG" THING AGAIN, LOL).

MICHELA -- YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK THAT IS THE NAME OF THE BOOK! THE AUTHOR DEFINITELY SOUNDS RIGHT. WOW, YOU'RE GOOD!


PENN

[essdipity]

Of course you are annoyed, or more than annoyed. Any sane person would be. Thiis so-called professional colleague is 'taking your inventory,' all with a butter-wouldn't-melt-her-mouth, innocent kind of smirk. Not only is that offensive to you, it also inhibits office relationships overall. She may be dumping this act on others as well. But the worst part is that if she interacts with your client population some of that may be aimed at them too.

I think you should speak to your counterpart who is her supervisor, who should call her out on her bad judgment. The perpetrator will then whine and say she was only trying to help, and no doubt bring up things about God. Let her say it. At the end she shouuld be told that some things are not proper for office discussion or distribution, so get with the program.

ess    I'm a toughie!

[Michela11]

OK - I'm going to guess the name of the book - "You can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay??

She says MS is caused by "mental hardness, hard-heartedness, iron will and inflexibility". All of course portrayed as negatives. I seriously wonder where how and why she ever decided this twaddle.

I am open to a lot of holistic things - but this is bollocks.

[young at heart]

I HAVE A FEW WORDS I COULD TELL YOUR FRIEND ABOUT LEGS "FEARFUL OF MOVING FORWARD" THIS IS WHAT I GOT TO SAY !@#$%^&*,  WITH YOUR WISDOM AND INTELLEGENCE ,I KNOW YOU CAN DECIPHER WHAT I JUST WROTE.

YOU CAN TELL HER THAT YOU HAVE A FRIEND THAT WEARS LEG BRACES,NOT FOR A FASHION STATEMENT.THESE DEFINATELY SAY HEY STOP STARE,MAKE COMMENTS TO EACH OTHER IF YOUR IN PAIRS,POINT AND LOOK AT THIS LADY AND WHISPER.

NOW THESE LEGS BRACES ARE WHITE,GO UP TO MY HINEY,MADE OF A SPECIAL KEVLAR PLASTIC AND THE TITANIUM HINGES SQUEAK WHEN WET,I GET TO SOUND LIKE THE TIN MAN.

YOU CAN TELL THIS INCONSIDERATE LADY ,THAT THIS EFFECTED MS LADY WITH ARACHNOIDITIS CAN CLIMB A LADDER WITH THE BEST OF THEM,I HELP AT CONCESSION STANDS,I KEEP GOING LIKE THE ENERGIZER BUNNY.

PENN,SWEETIE YOU ARE GONNA RUN INTO THESE PEOPLE,FOR EVERY JERK YOU MEET,BELEIVE ME THERE IS 10 PEOPLE THAT MAKE UP FOR THE IDIOTS.

YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION TO MANY HERE AND TO THE MANY LIVES YOU TOUCH,

I HAVE RAISED MY KIDS THAT EVERYONE HAS A DISABILITY AND THE MAJORITY OF THEM THERES IS IGNORANCE!!!!!!!!!!!

T

[pennst8r]

I didn't catch the name. I had just assumed when she said she liked the book that it was a holistic book, but it was definitely not. It seemed to have nothing to do with that subject. That was my error in assumption when she said she was copying something for me. I would ask her the name, but am afraid she'd ask me what I thought of it and I'll flip, lol!

I am having a hard time finding some part of it that can convinve me she was trying to be helpful, but I just don't like ot think people are that rude.

Penn

[monotreme]

Hi Penn.  How thoughtless.  What was the name of the book?  I have read alot of alternative medicine and holistic publications since Craig and I have gotten endocrine and autoiimmune disorders, and none of them have said such ludicrous things.  So I would be interested in the title.

The good holistic advice would have been organic foods, certain supplements, no processed foods or artificial sweeteners etc.  Boy, that woman needs an education.  I am sorry you were one of her victims..

Elaine