RELAPSE*BACK ON THE OXYCODONE*

[oxyaddict420]

Well, things have gotten worse for my recovery at the moment.  My parents that are my #1 source for the oxycodone painkillers called me(after they said that they were never selling another pill again) and said they needed the money for bills, and financial debt. So they told me that "this is going to be the last time NO MATTER WHAT".  I do not believe them, but since I will be on Suboxone as of FEB26th it will not pertain to me anymore anyway..  I am not suing them as an excuse to my failings of my recovery.  I take 100% full responsibility of my addiction and failure at this low dose taper plan using anything "other tahn oxy" to get me to my Sub appt..  I gave in and bought 15 of the 80mg Oxycontin, and then 45 of the 10/325 percoset as well.  Sad thing is that after nearly $350 in pills through just them, and that amount it still wont last me until my sub appt. Since I am taking around 250mg-300mg each day..  I was using 500-600mg each day and this is about half of that, but it is still dissapointing..  I HATE THIS ADDCITION, AND I HATE THAT I AM SO DANG WEAK.. I AM A SLAVE TO THESE PILLS, AND ITS HELL!

I just needed to be honest with everyone that is following my story and has been there for me the whole time, or has came along and seen my story and has cared enough to try and help or just support me..

THANKS!

[toxictome]

Thanks for your honesty...it takes courage to be honest...and we are still here for you....
I tried to taper for 3 months until i finally decided i was ready to really do it...

you'll get there.....

[taekwondo_fighter]

did you say your parents SOLD you the pills??? they supply you with this stuff??? sorry if these are stupid questions, i may not know the whole story

[dove3053]

I'm at a loss for words that your parents are your #1 source for painkillers.

Dove

[BlottedOut]

i know how ya feel, just try to take less or space the times you take them out more, keep trying to cut that MG amount down every other day, i know its rough because you and i both know they are bought for a buzz and if you dont get a buzz youve wasted your money, i feel that way everytime i buy pills, if you normally take 5 pills at a time 4 times a day, still take 5 pills, but try to only do it 3 times a day, its hard to cut down on the number that give you a buzz, but you can space them out to where your not taking as many in the day if yunno what i mean, space em out make em last until your appointment, i know its hard, but i got faith in ya bro

[GoingToMakeIt]

I am pleased that you have an Sub appointment. That will be good. Please get the follow up that you need to keep clean. Counseling and NA. You need to find out why you are weak and why you use if you expect to stay clean.

[swtbreezie]

Hi sweetie.  
First of all give yourself a hug no one can hate themselves any worse I don't think than an addict, I found this out.  And first of all you had to be honest with yourself instead of us.  Trust me I came in here with every dark excuse in the world from losing my family to losing my life, the pain, the darkness the grief (you would have to see my story).  And was about to lose the most wonderful precious thing in my life my Fianee.  The man above all else who loves me.  You can do it, you can get back on it my friend, it just like riding a bycicle.  Just taper.  I am not sure what oxy is and I am sure do NOT want to know.  My drugs of choice was, lorcet10/650, soma, and valium.  I was a total zombie on those  with the excuse of losing my hubby and daughter within a month and a half of each other. YES GOD they let me sleep to kill the pain and grieving.  BUT, I no longer want to sleep and kill it I have to feel it to let me know how very much I choose to live.  PLEASE CHOOSE LIFE Oxy HUGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
swtbreezie

[zzzaaaccckkk]

idont have time to write at the moment. But damn it. Iam sorry I WILL write u later. Thats a sh-t load of pills a day.

U will get there.

[lostmarbles]

I am sorry you are going through this, its awful, but you know on the positive side you are posting.. you could of disappeared and you didnt so this is a good thing.. keep on posting and I shall be thinking of you.. I wish you love and luck x

[taekwondo_fighter]

dont give up because of this...  i know its easier said than done, but you can do it...  it just bugs the hell out of me that your support system ( your parents ) arent helping you stay clean, they helping you use...  like i said in the previous post, i know i dont know the whole story, but your parents have no right even offering you this ****...  sorry bro, its just my opinion..  i wish you the best! get strong,and stay strong!

[oxyaddict420]

Thanks guys.. It is nice to know that people care about my recovery.  I am honest with myself more than alot of addicts that I know.  So honest about how bad it is and how much it is ruining my life personally and with my fiancee I have been with for 14yrs.  She is the best and loves me unconditionally. so it hurts so bad to put her through this when I know how bad it hurts her.  I want to get better SO DANG BAD!! DANGITTTTTTTTTTT!!

I have tried many mnay times to do it using just my ambition and determination.. Only to relapse over and over again. This is why I am getting professional help. I have never had insurance like this before, and for it to cover everything except the co-pays that is amazing.  I have never had the tools like this before and I am hoping that these things will literally helo save my life.  I also know it is going to take alot of work on my part as well, but I am WELCOMING THAT!  I just need a fari running start to help me with this.  I do not want to tuck tail and run away because my addiction has won another battle once again.. But I am going to make sure that I win the WAR!  I have to at this point.. The only other choice might just be death..

[oxyaddict420]

I get what you mean, yeah.. I can do that on certain days. Like go 4-5 hours within dosages rather than every 2 hours.  I tell myself that tomarrow is going to be the day I take them the right way(or better anyway) and then when I wake up I popp a huge dose and then 2 hours later again, then Im like "oh well there goes today" so then I say "tomarrow again" NEVER STOPS THOUGH!!!  I will try harder, and try to be more active on here to take my mind off of the pills..  Thanks

[addictedme]

gl on your plan. This probably wont be the last call from your parents promises or not so you have to realize that they didnt sell them to you,,you bought them. I know youll stick here at the forum,,,probably a good thing to do now.No failure today,,just an adjustment in your plan,,,gl

[GoingToMakeIt]

Good for you. Take advantage of all the programs and helps available. and for goodness sakes. Marry that girl! 14 years is long enough. LOL You deserve a good life together...and a clean one too.

[phipps68]

Dont feel bad dude I broke today too.... I only did a line but i still used....i feel like ****.....and the sad thing is I went from 9pm last night until 1pm today without....minor dt's i was coasting through my first day....counting the hours until i could take the subby....but i blew when i found some OC i had hid already crunshed up and everything....Snorted it in the porta toilet at work.....the funny thing is they had one of those little fake mirrors in there...and while i was snorting it all i could see in the mirror were my eyes.....it was like my concious looking at me.... I am a nowhere man in a world of addiction!......

[oxyaddict420]

Hey bro.. I know what you are saying, and as far as my parents and my relationship with them, it is far from what most would say is "normal or healthy"  I have been getting pills off of them for many many years now.. We are all addicts in my family. Even my brother who is 20yrs old is addicted to weed, and messed with the pills for a while, but isnt on them now(at least i think).. My dad is FOR SURE addicted to Oxycontin.  My mother is addicted to anything painkiller related, but her #1 DOC I guess would be the 10mg Vicodin, or the 15mg oxycodone IR(roxicodone)  They both get legit scripts from their DR's and then sell a portion of them off to make supplemental income you could say. This all started abround 3 years ago when my dad got injured and couldnt work anymore. Not a good excuse to do what they do, because it is very dangerous as well as immoral. At first when they were not as badly addcited and didn't sell these alot I would buy most everything they sold and would get the 80mg oxycontin for $5.00 each because that was good money to them and they had no idea who they could sell them more to.. But as time went on they started dealing with addicts that would pay 3X that amount so then they would sell them to them instead of me. So then I had to start paying that amount or just get screwed over..  My relationship with them is Bizzare to say the least, and I wish it was better. All I know is that I cannot change them, but I do have the power to control my actions and take resposibility for my own addiction behaviour.. I AM GOING TO GET ON SUB AND THEN MANAGE MY ADDICTION AND THEN START TO CHANGE THINGS 1 GOAL AT A TIME TO GET THINGS BETTER AND BACK ON TRACK..  I can and will do this!  I will be around to keep everyone posted on the details of my recovery as well.  

[oxyaddict420]

You are right. We have been engadged now for over a year.  I told her that we could get married anytime she wants.. I think what she wants(needs) is for me to get my act togather and get my addiction under control and be able to function like a noraml human being... She desrves it more than anyone too, to be happy.. I want to give her so much, yet right now it seems all I do is take away from this relationship sue to my selfish addiction.. I do know that I have to do this for me if I want to stay clean and make it work, and trust me I do want it for me REALLY BAD! But also when you share yuor life with someone your personal life is intertwined with theirs and it is a bunch of parts that make a whole.. So by me getting clean from the abuse and gettting my addiction under control, I can then start setting some shot term goals(also with the help of the addiction counsler) and start to put these pieces back togather again.. 1 step at a time, but that way I can make my life better for me, and for us..

[taekwondo_fighter]

after reading this, it all makes sense....   i know we are all ultimately responsible for our actions, BUT with this said, your parents had a lot to do with your issues today...  its time for YOU to break that cycle bro...  talking to the addiction specialist should be good for you...  i hate to say it, but you may need to "divorce" your parents ...  stay the hell away from them.. they are not going to contribute to your sobriety...  your fiance' is the future now, your parents are the past... forget the past...  dealing with your parents WILL be your downfall...  i wish you luck bro!!!!!

[oxyaddict420]

Well, good luck with the suboxone, i hope you are able to get and stay clean as well.. I remember being clean for a few weeks and I was cleaning my house and when I pulled up my couch cushions there was a percoset 5/325 in the gap of it.. So without even thinking of anything I just popped it. It did absolutly nothing for my pain