I Actually Hate My Peers, Causing Me To Hate Myself

[x0xskittlex0x]

I am a stupid ****. I made way too many mistakes in my life. My story is too long to tell so here is a breif point by point list of what is and has been going on in my life:

- all started with me hating the way i looked (even tho im pretty) and my sister always got the attention because she was the "star" (singer) of the family and she has learning disabilites, and then theres me the oldest and I have to figure out everything for myself.

- so I get a webcam and start stripping on it for people from a chat room. then out of curiousity I strip for girls too, so I became bi-curious. I craved all this positve feedback, such as your sexy, ect. and unfortunately it became an addiction because I felt great about myself and I was getting all this attention.

- then I open a paypal account and make videos of myself doing provacative things and selling them and making money.

- my friends find out when I push a little farther and advertise myself on myspace, so they tell my parents because they're worried about me

- biggest mistake of my life: I ****** my best friends boyfriend out of peer pressure, she kept him and dumped me, because she doesn't believe me because I am quote on quote "****" so therefore peer pressure of sex should not be an issue for me. WRONG! I felt like the biggest ***** and backstabbing ***** ever! I cried for days.. and my best friend made me miserable and her and her boyfriend picked on me for a while (while she still tried to stay friends with me) i understand she was hurt, but I was sick of it and I told her I didn't want to be friends with her and that it would not work out.

- because I'm so addicted to this "****" buisness, my "so called friend" (professional model) decided he'd help me get a headstart with the porn industry. I gave my trust to him and sent him my best video (I never sent anyone who personaly knew me or lived near me them) he decides to send them to people and it gets around the school... great! I'm already the school ****, just starting to loose my repuation and karma comes back and bites me.

- so my best friend apologized to me and we didn't resolve the issue but we're on a talking level now.

- so here is the kind of cyber bullying messages I get from people, here is the worst one:
WHIPCREAM!! HAHAHA ******* *****. i hope you die! your a little ****! i'll see you in class :).. just dont get in my way and hopefully we can get through this year with no problems:) if you could i would appreciate if you switched out cause everytime i look at you i wanna puke and it really bugs me cause i just wanna learn. oh and a while back i saw "bi-curious" on your myspace. dont ever say that ****. you ever are or you arent bi. and being bi just means your confused. you dont tell people that your curious you just ******* do it you *******. you just do it for attention you wouldnt eat a chicks ***** and you know it and if you have i feel sorry for that girl.. she probably got herpes from you sucking so much ****. like j.p (jean phillipe) thats gross.. and your a firecrotch. which is even more disgusting. but yea i thought i would be a little more polite and say this on the computer rather than in person to save you some embaressment. and wheres your little friend melanie? too much competition.. dont worry she has a shitload of acne so at least you dont have that! but you are a fire crotch.. gross. really gross. like i wanna vomit. and if you have a problem with this please do tell me. im really interested in what you have to say.. ****.

- i never replyed to any of the messages and on top of all this i believe I may have some kind of std or infection, and I have also broken out into a million red spots all over my torso and back

- so I cried my eyes out, two nights ago, woke up my eyes were swollen

so much more has happened, like the little things, this is only half of what is going on in my life. my life sucks. I am a ****. people hate me. people tell me to go die. I can't go to my parents about any of this. I have unrelyable friends for support. they support me but hardly anything. I hate my life, I don't want to die, but I've had suicide thoughts and in my mind I think about what I should write on my suicide paper. I cry and have a break down at least once a week, and I hide it from the world and do it in private so my parents can't ask me what is wrong. My mom is going through menopause, so I have to deal with her bitching. I have gotten more violent with my sister when we fight, I actually punch her in the face now. Sometimes I scream on the spot until I can hardly breathe and my face goes all red, and I can't talk anymore because my throat got too dry. I have become an angry person, from the quiet one in class who doesn't speak a word, from the angel "the good one" amoung the family - to this disgusting diesease filled, angry, nasty, ****!

and im crying as i type this.. and i dunt kno wat to do. no one can help me...
and prob no one read this cuz its too long...

[April2]

Wow. You've gone through a lot. I think you've probably learned a harsh lesson. But it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. We all make stupid mistakes, some worse than others. But if you learn from your mistakes then it wasn't in vain.
You sound like you're awfully hard on yourself. The first thing you need to do is forgive yourself. Easier said than done, I know. But in order for you to heal and move on you really do need to forgive yourself for all the mistakes you've made.
You do need to talk to your parents. Obviously, they know quite a bit anyway. Do you really want to change? Do you really want to start over? It might not be easy, but you can do it.
It's good that you didn't respond to the emails. That's the best way to act. Don't respond to any emails or any taunts at school either. Just ignore all of it. People only keep teasing or bullying when they can get a rise out of you. Just walk right past them as if they're invisable.
Like I said, you need to talk to your parents. You need to be honest, if you really want to overcome this. Yes, it will be humbling but it will be worth it in the long run. I'd recommend you transfer to another school. And cancel your Myspace and anything else where your picture might be out there. Cancel it all. In order to have a fresh start, you have to let go of the past.
I'd also recommend some counseling for a little while at least. You have a very low self esteem. I don't know why that is but the counseling can help figure that out and build up your self esteem. You need to learn to love and accept who you are. It's not conceited to do that if it's a healthy love of yourself. You are a unique, beautiful human being with gifts that you can offer the world, and it's not by selling your body. See, that's degrading yourself. That will only make your self esteem even lower. Think about where your talants lie. Do you draw or write? What are you good at? Everyone has at least one gift. Think about it. Find something you enjoy. Something that is good for you and not harm you. With time and work and maybe some counseling, you can become that person you want to be. You can start over. It's not easy. It will be hard at first, but it does get easier with time. I believe you can do it. I think you're stronger than you think.
Please talk to your parents. There is hope. You don't have to stay like this. But you have the power within you to make those changes. And you CAN do it! I believe in you. Take that step. You'll be ok. I wish you the best. Take care and may God bless you.
April

[x0xskittlex0x]

thx at least someone read this long intimating message :)
i think the only problem im going to have is confronting my parents... i actually can't talk to them, never felt close or open with them. but yea i deleted all my stuff from the computer a little while back, but it just seemed to jump back at me again everytime i try a new start. the school transfer isn't going to happen cuz its my last year thank god. but im trying so hard to be a better person, and its just soo stressful and hard to do. i just hope it goes away after this last year of school. i think that's when the real fresh start will happen, and i can't wait.

[April2]

Oh yeah! Believe me, it's a whole other world out there beyond high school! You will like it so much better. High school can be tough. The meaness, the cliques, etc., you don't see so much once you're out of high school.
Just keep your chin up. You only have a few more months. It's good that you're trying to be a better person. You can put all this behind you as a bad experience. I wish you the best. Hang in there! You're almost out of high school. God bless.

[wonder26]

You Do Need To Forgive Yourself. I Know Its Easyer Said Then Done. I Know Its Hard To Talk To Parents. And School Can Be Hard Too. People Have Said Some Nasty Things To Me Too. Just Hang In There School Will Be Over Soon, Then Hopefully You Can Get A Fresh Start Then.