Seperating

[Roman0628]

Okay, this one is a long one.  I have never posted or put anything close to this in writing.  I have been married for almost 11 years.  I am a die hard romantic.  To me, you should get married to someone who is going to be your wife, your best friend, a possible Mom, and most of all your lover (among the million other things women do).  We have two kids and we are both professionals.  To me, everyone has a center. Something that drives us and defines what and why we do things.  For me it's love.  I love being in love.  I love the stupid immature things we do for love.  I'm kid at heart and I've always seen my wife the way I've seen her since I've met her.  But this is not the same in return.  

Over the years, I have realized that the love I offer her is not the love I receive in return.  She returns it in other ways.  Cooking dinner, doing laundry, etc.  Which is nice, however to me it's meaningless.  What is important is that you show your love in a way that the other person understands.  Anyway, we have had discussions about this over and over for 11 years.  It's been more concentrated in the last 3 years.  Last year I finally got sick of the same discussion.  My wife, after many of the discussions about this (and by the way, we are not talking about sex or just sex we are talking about intamacy) realized the importance of this and for a week or so after each discussion, things were great, but her center is about taking care of things for the family.  She is very task oriented.  So naturally she drifts away. She's asked me to remind her so that she does not drift so far and she states she realizes it, and then continues to do whatever it is she's doing.  Never going back, until things get so bad we have another discussion.  Her center does not revolve around me, which is fine however she is for my center.  Over the years this has bothered me more and more. To the point where last summer I, ventured.  Hell, I cheated.  I'm not proud of it.  I feel extemely guilty for it. But I did it.  I have not felt passion and love like that for a very long time.  I felt alive (and I'm not talking about just sex, the whole experience was like I was on fire).  I finally confronted her about how I was feeling last August and I stated that I no longer will look to her for intamacy.  It's funny, when I stated it, she had a problem with it, however, if I did not state it and let things drift, it's not a problem?  She stated that she did not realize things had gone this far, she did not know I cheated, and that she was going to change.  This sadden me because I realized that I think she's fine the way she is, just not fine for me.  She did change and things were great for about a month, and then naturally she went she went back to her center.

What I realized is that my wife is not the same person I married.  Which is fine, a lot has changed since we've been married.  She's the perfect wife.  Loving, caring, and will stick by your side for anything.  She is perfect.  However, I can't get pass this problem of intamacy.  I think that she is who she is and I don't want to change that.  I also don't want her to act like something shes not just to appease me.  Then it's not real.  And it needs to be real.  In my discussion with her, last August, she explained to me that she was very happy in our marriage, and I explained to her that I was not happy.  Our marriage was not what I thought it was going to be.  I told her I was who I was to make her happy, but by doing so, I think I lost myself. I told her what I needed and realized that she could not give me what I needed.  

So what's left?  I told her I would seek therapy and see if there is something wrong with me.  Or ideas I can try to get pass this need.  I booked my appointment next week.  

Am I selfish?  Is this wrong, how I feel?  As for cheating, I have not told her and I don't plan on telling her what I've done.  But I will discuss it in therapy.  My wife told me once that no woman would ever want to be with a guy like me. I think that helped me justify, in my head, being in another woman's arms.  Don't get me wrong, I realize what I did was wrong, and that there is no excuse for what I did.  Other than pure weakness and stupidity, plus a utter disrespect for her.  I get that, but, now what?  What's done is done.  Now what?  I do love her, but I believe that no one really falls out of love for someone.  Part of me wants to leave her simply because of what I did (cheating).  Part of me wants to tell her, because that would make seperating much easier.  However, I don't want to do that.  I want my wife to be happy and right now I think she would be better off without me in her life.  But I want to keep her in my life if I can get pass this, but I don't see how.  She is who she is and I am who I am.  I don't want her to change, and I'm pretty sure I need this.  If we have to "shedule" time, or whatever, then I think it's wrong.  This should be natural.  We didn't schedule time when we were in school busy with sports and classes.  I look at guys whose wives want to be intamate with them and the husbands would rather be watching ESPN, and I think the men are crazy.  Should have married someone who will watch ESPN right next to you.  If I had a wife like that, I'd be perfectly fine providing them 1000% of my attention.  Call me crazy but I'd rather be hanging out with a beautiful woman all day rather than hanging out with a bunch of guys.  

As far as the kids, I will still be in their life.  My wife knows I love them and they need a father.  So both agree that this won't be an issue if we were to seperate.  As for the other woman, I still talk to her.  She is aware that I am married and the whole situation.  She has been through a really nasty divorce and basically has stated that if I think their is hope to stay with my wife.  However, it's important to mention that my discisson to seperate from my wife is NOT based on leaving her for for this woman.  I have pondered my thoughts very deeply to ensure that I am not leaving her for another woman.  I'm considering leaving more so to find what we both need in our lives (the rest of our lives).  

Any insight would be helpful!

Lost Romeo.....

[Happy2girls]

I wish I had more energy to post.  You have two children and frankly you need to grow up!  You are chasing that rush that comes with new love.  Love is not about butteflies in your stomach and "immature stupid things".  True love is about committment, raising children, working to keep a roof over your family's head, doing laundry, cooking...and all of those "meaningless" things that your wife does for you.  You did your wife and children wrong and you're trying to justify it.  I don't think that you will find what you are looking for but I sure hope that you can somehow, someday see what it is that you have and maybe just maybe appreciate the "love" that you have already been blessed with.  Good luck to you.

[Roman0628]

The things that are done for me, I do also.  As matter of fact I do the cooking, cleaning, etc.  So it's not special to me becuase these are things that need to be done and if one doesn't do it, the other will.  As for the growing up.  Your probably right.  However, when I hear and see couples struggling to stay together for the kids, for money, for the lifestyle, I think that's wrong.  

I love the line "Love is not about butterflies in your stomach and immature stupid things".  I think it is.  When your excited to see each other and you feel like your going to burst out of your skin each and every time.  I think that's the way things start and people struggle or forget how that feels.  I feel that way everyday I see my wife.  Everytime I see her even if she's gone for an hour.  However, the feeling is not the same.

Your probably right, I maybe taking a VERY immature view at my relationship.  But, I'm also beginning to think, after reading your post. That love is subjective.  What one person defines love is not the same as another.  And therefore when it's expressed, it should be, like all communication, expressed in a way that the other person understands, not just how you define it.  Otherwise, they may not be able to get it.  

Right?

[Happy2girls]

What is it specifically that you are expecting from your wife?  Do you beleive that your wife does not love you?  I am not trying to insult you but I think you are looking for your wife to take care of issues that you need to resolve within yourself.  Life gets busy when you enter adulthood and espescially complicated when children are involved.  Couples do have to "schedule" time it's not always practical to be spontaneous.  You hardly seem concerned about how your actions will affect your wife or your children only how you are the one wronged.  I feel an incredible amount of sadness for your wife, I think she is busting her hump working and managing a household and children and all she hears from you is that she isn't doing enough.  At least that's how your post comes across to me.  One last suggestion....google narcissistic personality disorder.  I know that that suggestion will come across as nasty but I honestly don't mean it that way.  I hope you keep you appointment with the therapist and I do wish you well.    

[Roman0628]

I actually am not taking any comments from you or anyone else as mean.  Why?  Because your right to a point.  Obviously, it's difficult to put everything in this post, but based on what your stating I don't think it's out of order.  

Actually, I've been think of exactly how I've been impacting my wife and everyone around us.  Which is more than likely negative.  Which is why, I've been thinking of the seperation.  I'm not sure if I'm salvagable.  I always tell her to not worry about things around the house, etc.  I will take care of them, however, she still focuses on those things because that's what she likes to do.  I also feel sadness for my wife because what I have been putting her through.  Please do not mistake this for an excuse to get out becuase it is not.  If I didn't care I would not be posting anything much less be checking out therapy.  

You know, I know that my wife loves me very much.  More than I could ever imagined.  And this is something that I am struggling with and she knows it.  I tell her all the time that this is something that is my issue not her.  My probablem is intamacy, and the fact that she is not.  I am very, but I get tired of being put on the back burner all the time.  then I realized that it's me that wants it or needs it.  I don't think I narcissitic as much as I want to be treated the same way that I treat her.  I don't expect her to bow to my needs or anything like that.  But that's not how she is.....  Which I think is fine.  I think that's okay.  I don't want her to.....  I want her to be happy, even if it means with someone else.  I know a ton of men that would love to have a woman like mine.

However, I will check out narcissistic personality disorder.   Um no..... Not narcissistic, no more than anyone else I don't think.  But it was an interesting lead.  I have an open mind about things and I am very empathic.  As many people tell me.  I am very concerned about the impact I have on my wife.  Which is why I want it to stop.  But at the same time, I want both of us to be happy.  Which is my goal.  I want to create a win-win situation.  Not a win lose.  Again, I wouldn't be finding a solution if I was just thinking for myself.  This is something I've pondered and try to work with her for many years.  At one point I remember, taking on every job or duty in the house to see how she reacted.  What happened was she took the free time she had available to take on new projects. I think it's humorous.  It was then I realized that she loves to be task oriented, she loves challenges.  Which is great.  I'm just not on that list as a priority.  I'm a given.  I never have looked at her as a given and I never will.

Please don't get me wrong, I don't expect her to cater to my needs either.  I am not one to think she should be in the kitchen barefoot making babies.  Hell, no.  I am perfectly capable of taking care of the kids and the house.  But, we share the responsibilities.  We draw on each others strengths.  She, with no doubt in my mind, will be the next big CEO of a company.  That's her thing and I do not want to get in her way.  I can not allow me to slow her down.  I want her to be successful in all that she does.  But, that means, ulitmately, my loss.  So what's the balance?  I don't know.  By the way she will not/does not want to schedule time in her calendar for reminders.  I've been pushing that agenda for years also, and she thinks it's wrong to schedule some like that........

Hey as terrible as this is and I realize what I'm posting may emtionally tick people people off, I really appreciate the comments.  I do not take anything like this lightly.

So thank you.....  

[SimplyStar]

Why don't you get rid of the  Letter   "I"  try  we and us    quit your whineing and grow up  you are her husband  not her owner    get over the "poor me" attitude and  try listening to her side of the story     get over the "drop every thing" and get to bed with me stuff    Thank God my hubby and I had over 42 years of a good marriage together and we worked at it all the time,  Our marriage was we and us   never "I"

[shishka]

I the whole post I did not see you say you will  try to fix this with your wife. You are only focused on leaving he. I think it is very selfish of you. When you are married and decided to bring children into this world, life changes. You do things to make sure everyone is happy. Your children, your wife and you as a family. You mada a mistake by cheating on your wife and still keep in touch with that lady. You don't even sound like you are really sorry about what you did. I think you should be honest with your wife.

[Roman0628]

First shishka, you may want to re read the post.  Did you miss the therapy comments and the simple fact that I'm asking for advice to fix this?  I also made the comment that I realize that cheating was not a good decision and I regret it.  What I find interesting is that the comments made are very acute.  To a point that I'm beginning to think that my wife truly would be better off without me.  We've had discussions about this and how we both want to work together in this seperation.  However, we both want to work on fixing things before it comes to that.  

My thoughts are that I've damaged this relationship to a point of no return.  Based on the comments, from your perspective, it maybe right.  

Your wrong if you think that I want this to end.  However, I want to figure out where to begin, if their is one.  A successful 42 years.  That's awesome!  I wish you many more.  

[Happy2girls]

You need to sort out your insecurities with your therapist.  I can only say that your wife can't make you feel loved if you if there is a voice deep down inside of you that says you aren't worth it (and you're the one who keeps saying that your wife would be better off).  Nothing she does will ever be enough and no other woman will ever do enough for you, despite the initial euphoria that comes with any new love interest.  Perhaps you and your wife can explore your issues jointly with a marrriage counselor (I would advise you to use a different counselor so there is no bias or perceived bias).  I could be wrong but I feel like this despair that you feel has less to do with your wife and more to do with your own opinions of yourself.  Good luck and keep us posted.  

[teko]

Whoa! Listen Up! You have a wife that loves you and the only thing you can accuse her of doing is not being a mommie to you! You both have two children. The intimacy part changes when we are not two any more. Now we are three and oops! Make that 4. Those other people now take up our time. You and she were before the children so to speak and now you have to share her and you dont want to? At least this is what I am hearing in your post. So, since she is not giving me the attention that I think I deserve I will go find someone who will pay attention to just me and only me! Thus the affair! What about the kids? Where does your responsibility begin and end with them? You took vows! You made a committment not only to your wife but to your family and now you want to back out for whos sake? hers? GROW UP! In 10 more years you will feel totally different in a totally differant way as people continue to change and grow. You going to solve those feelings in the same way then? I sure do hope your kids understand daddy is not at home cause he did not get enough attention. Wow! they will feel sooo loved, wont they? I want to grow up to be just like my daddy! When the going gets tough he splits! Some committment!

[winwun]

test

[winwun]

My above post was to see if my comments would be accepted.

It appears that you are a very self-centered person and seek to be the center of whatever is going on.  

It would be very interesting to see you in a group setting, managing everyone to make yourself shine  --  even these replies are feeding your hunger, keeping you in the spotlight.

If you do get into therapy, it too will feed your need for attention.  

An answer escapes me, for it would apparently be very difficult for you to accept the reality of everyday life instead of making everything into some fairy-tale scenario.  You say you are a professional, and yet your spelling and grammar are atrocious.

It appears that your wife has simply gleaned from the realtionship with you the best and ignores the rest, realizing that there is little more for her.

I honestly believe that you would be a much happier person if you were single, and it would give your wife the chance to discover that there is the possibility of a better life.

Apologies are perhaps in order, for my comments sound extremely mean and negative, but that was not my intent.

The above comments were made in an attempt to describe to you what is very apparent to me.

Best of luck, and that is a sincere wish, both for your wife and you.

Winwun

[Roman0628]

For those of you that recognize that I am trying to get help, thank you for your helpful suggestions.  For everyone else, I suggest that you becareful with your words, most people are really hurting and without a truly open mind, they may take it the wrong way.  

This will be my last post.  

[Happy2girls]

It can get a little rough in here but that's okay, it's not always a bad thing.  Insight comes from every direction and sometimes the best stuff is given by the harshest critics.  It's good that you're not comfortable throwing in the towel, you would not have come here if you didn't recognize that something just isn't right with this scenario.  Keep plugging away and let us know how things are going from time to time.  Best to you and your family.

[MrsOckert]

Well, lets see my first thought is saying "my wife would be better off without me" is a cop  out.  It's designed to make you feel better and less guilty about leaving her.

Second, don't tell her about the affair.  All it will do is make you feel better about getting it off your chest and it will destroy her.  Leave it where it belongs.  In the past.

Third, buy a book - The Five Love Languages.  Two copies.  One for her.   One for you.
Make her read it.  You read it.

Then give your marriage another try.

[EloiseDunstable]

I knew a woman who made her husband her center.  Didn't do anything without his approval, passed up her mother's dying wish for a trip to Italy (her birthplace) with her daughters because her husband couldn't come along, spent her days waiting to come home to him and her nights waiting for him to come home to her (unfortunately he didn't share her devotion).  Now he is dead and she has no reason to exist.