A Laying on of Hands

[caregiver222]

A comment on the importance of human contact.

[caregiver222]

Over the years I have noticed something very upsetting. There is less and less emphasis on touching, caressing and holding. In the bible there are words concerning "the laying on of hands". There is absolutely nothing more therapeutic than a touch on the shoulder of a grasp on the wrist. I have little sweet-heart who turned 103 years old today and she was recently in the hospital for five days and not a single physician touched her shoulder or nheld her hand. Neither did a nurse. And this was a geriatric facility. And when I visit a bursing home I see aides paid good salaries sitting on the other side of the room 24/7 instead of sitting next to their charges holding their wrists. When you visit the ill or elderly or someone in your care maximize human contact. If you are in the room, sit down and hold their wrists. Put your hand on their shoulder. Caress them. Decades ago I was in a terrible situation enroute to a hospital with a blood loss. The one thing I remember that made me hang on was the emergency medical technician who placed her hand on my shoulder and her other hand on my wrists and never let go. Yes. That stands out in my mind.  There is an actual bias against touching and holding these days. Children who have been in terrible accidents are picked up by ambulance crews and not caressed because of "fear of liability". I don't want to hear "this doesn't happen." It does. And it is a crime against humanity. I was recently hospitalized and in the morning along came a bunch of med students with their compyer laptops. Fat, dumb and happy arrogant know it alls. They went through an entire ward of critically ill patients (including me) without touching ANYONE. Neither did their resident "mentor". As they left I asked a question. "What is your question," asked a young Chinese girl tapping information into her laptop as she spoke. "How many boxtops did you send in to get admitted to medical school?" I asked innocently. The criterion for admission to medical schools these days is to admit idiot-savants. The most important medicine of all is to maintain the will to live. And that will is generated by kindness and caring and the transfer of the life-force. And this energy can only be conveyed by holding, touching a gentle caressing. Never be embarrassed to do this. You can never hold, touch or kissing a dying person too many times.

[IBKleen]

I am crying reading this. what a beautiful post, and I thank you.

I would have loved to sit with the 103 year old person and hold her. I would have loved to know what her life was like. I have chills thinking about it.

I did caregiving in my life, once with my dearest friend who was dying of AIDS, and also with my dad, and finally my mom. I DO know the therapeutic value of touching. It goes without saying and I pray that if I ever need help..someone reaches out to me.

Again, thank you for the beautiful post. Also, thank you for getting this forum going. I think it is going to be a wonderful place for advise and shared experiences.

God Bless.

[jdesouza]

Thank you for reminding us about the importance of touch. I watch my children and for them touch is a natural part of showing their emotions. I feel as if our culture and society robs you of that and makes it awkward and uncomfortable. I remember once talking to a person that had immigrated to the US from Africa and he said that he attended a cultural training where they told them not to touch people because you need to respect people's personal space in America. This respect for personal space can sometimes impede our ability to connect, to share, to love....Thank you for reminding me of this.

[BadChickyChick]

I can not agree with you more.  I myself have been a care giver to my sister with breast cancer.  I spent alot of time at the hospital (paliative care) with her and watched people die with no one there to visit or just sit with them.  On my sisters good days I would leave her to visit these people.  I would back cookies and offer to those who could eat or just sit and talk.  The rest I would at least hold their hand and tell them a friend is here.  My sister knew what I was doing and thanked me from the bottom of her heart.  She said she does not think she could have handled it if no one would touch her so she could feel the comfort and she had bone cancer that had spread from breast cancer.  So sister was in LOTS of pain and still wanted touch.  People please stop and think.  What would you want?

[chloe802]

I agree w/ you 100%. I'm a CNA (certified nurse assistant) and I have 2 homes I go to weekly. One w/ 6 ppl, one w/ 4. The home w/ 4 ppl all have alz. I have one in peticulair woman w/ a really bad case, can't walk, hardly even opens her eyes. I've noticed a smile, a tear, when I kneel down the side of her and hold her hand. I caress her hair and face, and she has even ran her hand down my face. A lot of things she has said don't always make sense, but I notice w/ a simple touch, she has responded well. I KNOW what you said in your post makes a big difference. Caregivers are there not just for the basic care, but to give loving care. Big difference. Thank you for your post. I know it'll make a difference.

[caregiver222]

It has been a bad week and I ended up in a hospital in somewhat critical condition and I thought about my bad luck. And as I lay on the bed screams came from the other room. Terrifying screams. There were nurses on duty and I went to them. They were all reading magazines. I asked them about the screaming patient, and they said: "we gave him morphine. He has mental problems." They had closed the door to his room. I was somewhat contagious with a lung infection so borrowed a mask and left my room. The ward was filled with those who suffer the indignities of war. The late Wilfred Owen wrote a poem:

"He sat in a wheelchair, waiting for dark,
And shivered in his ghastly suit of grey,
Legless, sewn short at the elbow,
Voices of Boys, saddening like a hymn,
Voices of play and pleasure after day,
Till gathering sleep hadmothered them from him,
Tonight he noticed how the women's eyes,
Passed from him to the strongmen that were whole."

So entered his room and he was clearly dying. Alone in the ward.
Upon the desk was a childs card and apromotional brochure from the school that sent it as part of "work for the community". But none of them visited. And the nurses sat each nighyt at therir station reading the same tattered magazines and chatting about their boiyfriends. And every night he screamed. The little television sets had news shows about people cheering football teams.

So I stayed with him night after night holding him tightly. And the screaming stopped.

And I thought perhaps the life-force had a reason for making me so sick and bringing me to this point in time on the space continuum.

My purpose in being at this hospital was to hold this soldier.

[child24angel]

Hi Caregiver,

I am from the Hepatitis c Forum...
I believe in what you say...the power of touching and
holding someone is very important...I can't tell you
how many times.. no one wanted to touch my son
in his earlier years.  They would just leave him lying there
screaming.  

I must admit I have ran across a few very good nurses though
who really did care...far and few, but some do care.

Your story above made me cry !!! tears rolling down my cheek...
You are a wonderful person,  not many would have done what you did.

Hugs
Elaine

[Chelstar]

This is so  utterly true!  I am a CNA also, working at an assisted living facility with  alzheimers patients.  I don't do anything without giving a hug or a caress on the back.  I kiss them on the forehead every night when I tuck them into bed.  They need it so badly!  They have less behaviors, and are much happier and willing when they get hugs and kisses!  I have one resident that is very combative with the other staff.  She has never once laid a hand on me because I always give her a big hug before I do anything else with her.  

[caregiver222]

My little 103 year old sweetheart became dehydrated. I took her to a hospital and she said: "I'm so scared. Please hold me and kiss me." I did so from her bedside, kissing her onloy on the cheek, the nurse walked in, and informed me "that is inappropriate behavior". I was banned from visiting her, escorted out by security, and she is close to death, and may soon lose sentience. She may not. It is in the hands of the life-force. She is surrounded by strangers and refuses to permit her blood pressure to be taken. She gladly allowed me to take it daily for three years. I have been her only visitor every day for the last three years for from four to twelve hours a day. She has one relative that, for various reasons, rarely visits, and then only to look in the door. She is dying along. The hospital staff won't talk to me and caregiver 222 is crying. The penalty for giving a hug to a dying friend.

[caregiver222]

Another day passes while my little one lies alone in her hospital bed, frightened out of her mind. They don't know how to feed her, which compounds her swallowing difficulties. I have been with her for three years seven days a week, four weeks a month, twelve months a year with ten days off in three years. Feeding her over hours some daya, but they don't want my opinion. They know everything. And I am not a relative with standing. And cuddling a dying woman is against hospital rules. The aide put the telephone to her ears and as I told her "I love you" she beamed. What a way to say good-bye. Caregiver went to church this afternoon and in the mighty cathedral prayed. Caregiver222 hasn't done that in a long while. And they won't let me in.

I used to hold her in my arms and read her poerty.

Before the Phantom of False morning died,
Methought a Voice within the tavern cried,
"When all the temple is prepared within,
Why nods the drousy worshipper outside?"

And, as the **** crew, those who stood before
The Tavern shouted -- "Open then the door!
"You know how little while we have to stay,
And once departed may return no more,

Come, fill the cup, and in the Fire of Spring
Your Winter Garden of Repentence Fling,
The Bird ofg Time has but a little way,
To flutter --- and lo...the bird is on the wing.

Lo, some we loved, the lovliest and the best,
That time and Fate of all their vintage prest,
Have drunk their cup a Round or Two before,
And one by one crewpt silently to the door,

And we, that now make merry in the room,
They left, and summer dresses in new bloom,
Ourselves must we beneath the Couch of Earth
Descend ourselves, to make a couch, for whom?

Up from the Earths Center through the Seventh gate,
I rose and on the throne of saturn sate,
And many knots unraveled by the road,
But not the knot of human death and fate,

The moving finger writes,
And having writ moves on,
And all your piety and wit,
Can erase a single word nor change a line.

I don't think she is going to make it out of the hospital. Perhaps not, but things don't look very heartening. When I brought her in the doctor said "She will die here or die at home...why don't you take her home".

I believe her swallowing problem can be treated, as I have been treating it for the last three years. It is no worse now then it was three years ago. The treatment reminds me of the concentration camps at Belsen and Auschwitz. But of course back then people were only "following orders".

I have no anger towards these physicians with their arrogance. Forgive those who trespass against us. But upon her passing caregiver222 will post no more, My apologies to those I have offended and the best of luck to those who have found some comfort from my words.

God is great.

[vienna13]

Abou Ben Adhem
by James Henry Leigh Hunt

Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
An angel writing in a book of gold: -
Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
And to the Presence in the room he said
"What writest thou?" -The vision raised its head,
And with a look made of all sweet accord,
Answered "The names of those who love the Lord."
"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay, not so,"
Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,
But cheerly still, and said "I pray thee, then,
Write me as one that loves his fellow men."

The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night
It came again with a great wakening light,
And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.

[Enoch Choi, MD]

your posts here are really sweet.  May God bless you on this Easter for your compassion!