Husband and kids clashing

[blechy]

This has been an ongoing issue with my husband and my 2 girls (13 and 9).  My husband wants them to be respectful and obediant (fair enough) but when they arn't he resorts to shouting at them in a very harsh voice and shouts shut up at them.  My youngest daughter considers this as swearing as it is something I have brought them up to not say to one another.  He does not seem able to talk reasonably with them and doesn't think he should if they have misbehaved.  Usually I am there to try to mediate but the other night I was out and he was very grumpy with them and I think went to far.  I have told him before that I don't want my kids being verbally abused and he said he would try but it keeps happening.  I love my husband and I know that my kids can be very trying which I am dealing with the best I can by disciplining them but I don't want to tolerate his attitude towards them.  I feel completely unsure how to handle this.  We are having some help from our pastor tonight to discuss this latest episode but any other advice would be welcomed.  

We have 3 other children living with us as well 2 of my sons (18 and 16) and his son (9).  They don't seem to cause too much trouble as they don't tend to be disrespectul, or whingy  like my girls.  All in all I am struggling to cope with 5 children, working and keeping all up to the standard my husband requires.  It is exhausting.  

[Pyrate]

Hun, I've been in that boat from his side.  He needs help dealing with your girls.  You can offer as much assisstance as you want but until he gets his head out of his butt you're all in trouble.  He obviously hasn't had to deal with girls a whole lot and has no idea how.  He needs to be instructed how to talk in a normal tone to them and treat them like they were fragile.  They are but he needs to remember it.  It took me getting on meds to straighten my act up but that's because my biggest problem was a mental illness.  This will escelate to a point where you will need to do more than mediate between them and if you don't teach him better, he'll lose control and begin hitting.  Escelation is eminent.  You don't have to look at divorce but counseling is a good idea for him and the girls.  Family counseling not just personal.  You'll need to be involved in his teaching but don't try running the show, you'll push him out that way.  If you have to get the girls t-shirts to wear around the house that actually says "Fragile Handle with CARE."  I bought my girls shirts that said "Daddy's Girl" and "I'm the delicate kind"  on them to remend me that I needed to treat them differently than anybody else in the house.  It might sound silly but seeing those signs helps remind him a little.  As for the girls, get their help by giving them times to be "Daddy's Girl".  The better they act around daddy the bigger the surprise they get.  It'll give them a goal to work towards in dealing with daddy.  A little time alone for them wont hurt either.  He needs to take them to a public place and spend time doing what they want to do for a while.  It'll give him an idea as to what they feel and like in life.  You don't have to take my advice, it's free but I have been doing this since 1990 with 3 girls & 3 boys.  Girls are special and deserve treated like princesses but they need to think they're just regular people to keep the humility thing goin.     Shane

[blechy]

Thanks for your comments and advice.  You are exactly right about girls being fragile and handle with care.  Our pastor is a lovely wise gentle man and that is exactly what he told my husband.  As well as the Bible says "do not let any unwholesome words come out of your mouth" He told my husband that meant zero.  He also said after listening to us give our perspectives that he didn't think the problem was with the kids but with the two us us.  We needed to be united on discipline, decide the consequences and parent together not against one another.  He advised us to pray together for our marriage and our kids.  My husband took everything he said and has been applying it.  We worked out some behaviour we wanted to see and some consequences and told the children.  They have been so much better. We are working together on this.  I have renewed hope.  Thanks so much,

[Pyrate]

I'm glad things are getting better.  I know it took a while with my kids but I believe it is VERY worth it.  They are such a pleasure to have if you put the effort into them.  As for the parenting together, you always need a united front.  Parenting is a choice and has to be done together or it wont work.  If your kids don't respond then there may be some inconsistency.  Always remember that consistency is key.  If the answer is no, then it's no from both of you and every time the question or request is made.  It took my late wife longer to get that than it did me but when we all got on the same page my kids were fantastic.  There will be ups and downs but wethering through them is our job as parents.  Love will win in the end.  Good luck.  Shane

[crazywillie]

Oh so difficult to rear someone elses kids, been there done that and it ended up with divorce, 4 boys for 12 1/2 years youngest 3 eldest 8, very very hard and takes a 101% commitment from all parties, I was alowed to be Dad to three of the four boys but there was one child that was special and was wrapped in cotton wool so to speak, this was the straw that broke the camels back.

It is up to you to make sure your Daughters do not upset your Husband, you know I dont think there is a man alive today that is rearing someone elses kids that can say he is on an equal footing with the kids, Mum always seems to have a bond that is missing for the Stepdad, this in itself is very frustrating and many men like myself seem to be banging their heads against a brick wall, that is why they raise their voice (FRUSTRATION).

Twenty years ago I met and married the woman of my dreams, she was 46 I was 44, great all her kids were grown up, I thought, WRONG, I have the same problems with these 5 kids, now youngest 36 eldest 45, they place so many demands on their Mother and this gets me cranky, I learned to keep my mouth shut, besides I love the kids and the 12 Grandchildren and one Great Grandchild on the way, it is so hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes though.

I think it is almost impossible for a man to come into a womans life and be Dad, yes we all dream that things will be OK with thoughts like "gee its great to be Dad to 4 boys", sadly as I mentioned before it causes a lot of frustration with all involved but its even harder for the Step Parent, only way to success is to trust your partner 100% to do the right thing by your kids, if you cant do that you are in trouble.