Do i stay?

[kmae1423]

Hi,
I am so confused about what to do in my life. My boyfriend and i have been living together for 2 years and have a 20 month old baby girl. He has a really bad temper (which is only elevated by his consumption of beer) and refuses to go to anger management or get any help. I think this is partly due to the embarassment he feels for the way he acts sometimes. However 90%, maybe even 95% of the time he is the sweetest and nicest boyfriend and the BEST father to my daughter. But he has a "crazy switch" and when it's flipped he is abusive towards me. He has actually hit me 3 times now. All were alcohol induced.  Now the second occurance, i decided i had to do something due to the fact that i was scared of what he was going to do to me. I called my parents and took myself and my daughter to their house. It was a huge ordeal but time has mended many angered feelings. We had been fantastic up until last night. He hit, kicked, punched me and poured beer all over me. Now to do this to me alone is one thing but just thinking of the possibility that one day he will lose it in front of my daughter makes me sick. I know that he would never harm her, but i dont want to send the message to her that what he does is ok. I know that 90% of the answers people will probably give me are a simple "leave him" "move out" "end it". I understand that this would be the most apparent method of solving this problem but i truly believe that he can be helped. I am by no means making excuses for him. He needs help though and i have seen dramatic changes in him from the beginning of our relationship up until now. These occurances are major setbacks but there is still progress being made. I guess my question for everyone is just simple advice on how to help him cope with his anger. If i cant make him go to anger management, maybe i can be the one to bring anger management to him without him even realizing it. I need help, techniques, and advice to help me fix this painful problem in my family. Thank you so much.

[jml1986]

Yes the first thing I am going to say is get out. With that being said, I agree with you that he needs help, however he will not get it as long as you are there. I am also sure he is a wonderful guy when he is not drinking, but the fact is that he does drink and he is abusive and you can not stay there and put yourself and your daughter in danger.

I know it is hard to leave him. It was the hardest thing I ever did. But I was in the same boat, my husband was mister wonderful sober, but when he drank he turned into a monster and I had a daughter too that I had to keep safe.

Let me also say, that I know it is hard to leave someone you love, and you can't just stop loving them because you leave. If love would cure everything, none of us would be on this site.

But there is hope, my husband has been sober for 5 years now and we have worked very hard on fixing our relationship and I can say, we have the most amazing life together now. So, don't give up, just don't be a punching bag for him. Let him get the help he needs and when the time is right, you can work on your lives together.

[jo929]

on your post you say how can you help him with his anger, you can not help him he will have to decide that he needs the help first and second the alcohol just makes one t  worse i have worked in the medical field i am not a nures nor a dr but i have worked with the young the older mental alcoholic and gen hosp also he needs to get into the AA he needs to go to the dr first and then probably a therapist they may suggest group therapy when one starts abusing woman you know there is something wrong-with that person and you cant do anything except suppot him if he will go but if he does not go then what read the papers everyday this happens some do not even get out alive some stay and take the abuse and then they begin to beleive it is their fault . you say you went to your parents one time what if next time he gets to you before you get help i have seen so many battered kicked bones broken it is not a pretty sight what if he starts in someday and you dont make it what abut your child they pick up on things fast no until he wants and asks for help he will keep on also you need to respect your self more than to let someone one use you as a punching bag you say you are not married if you care for your child and yourself you will get out while you can and  you-can call and offer moral support while he gets the much needed help that he needs to be a good husband and a good father there are no magic cures  so i wish you lots of luck  do you deserve this kind of life.i think you are a good person and will do what is right for you and your child after he gets help then and you still love him ok that is yur decision     jo            

[teko]

If he is doing this only when drinking, then he needs to stop drinking. I know you do not want to leave but what he is doing to you is criminal. You are enabling his behavior. If he thinks he can continue to get away with it without you leaving, unfortunately it will continue and one day will result in the child getting hurt or worse. When people say leave, it is not because of your and his relationship alone, but your and your little childs lives are at stake. It is your responsibility as a mother to ensure the safety of your child. Without help and/or intervention, it is only a matter of time before someone ends up in the ER or worse the morgue. You need to demand he go for help wether he wants to or not, quit drinking and if he is not willing to do this, then you and the child do not mean as much to him as you think you do. If he truly loves you he will want the help and do whatever it takes to end this cycle.

[rose625]

I can answer this in a couple of different views. One is from a child who grew up in an abusive home. My father would often hit my mother when they started arguing. This started when he would drink, then moved to whenever he became angry. It was horrible, I would go to her in the morning and see her with a black eye, bruised lips, and so on. One day she decided that she had had enough and left him. The only problem was now that she wasn't around he took his anger out on my brother and I. He had never hit us until she left. Think about this, your boyfriend my not hit the baby now but if he doesn't learn to control himself he my hit your baby later. I was threw down stairs and punched so hard that my jaw was broke. You may not see this in the future but it is possible. So if you do stay with him think of how horrible it will be for your child to see the signs of abuse on you and even worse to actually see it happen.