Disrespectful step son

[thebadguy]

I have 2 step children, boy 15 and girl 12 and a 2 year old daughter with their mother. I have been involved in my stepchildren's lives since they were 5 and 3, i always treat them farily and with respect. The stepchildren spend most of the week with us and usually 2-3 days with their father. My stepson has up until last night been very respectful, he is involved in sports and has been on the honor roll since he started high school. Last night he was very irritated that we would not take him to his friends house at 9:30 PM at night, he had made himself something to eat and left a mess in the kitchen. When i asked him to clean it up he flat out told me no in a disrecptful tone and proceeded to rant and throw a tantrem. I told him to get his stuff and he was going to fathers house if he was going to continue, my wife called his father and he said to bring him there and he would discipline him.

He still refused to clean up his mess when we were leaving, i told him we were not going anywhere until it was cleaned. He went way past all lines of respect and started cursing at me profusely. I communicated all of this to his father when i dropped him off at his house, his father said to let him know whatever punishment we decide we be applied at his house as well.

What is the appropriate level of punishment, he has everything in his room from Computer to tv to video games. We usually let him have a friend stay over or vice versa and to socialize until a reasonable hour on weekend nights. Why is he directing all of this disrespect to me and what is the appropriate way to put an end to it?

[slow_healer]

He sounds like an angsty teenager to me. You're already doing the right thing by keeping a united front between all parents - that will probably be the best deterrent.  
I know this isn't the most helpful advice, but based on your post, it sounds like anything could have caused the behavior (bad day at school, girl he liked ignored him, etc.). It sounds like you were an easy target for whatever steam he needed to vent, and he invited the behavior by passive-aggressively making the mess. That's definitely part of what teenagers do - internalize all their problems and then find someone to vent on (I remember doing it, and watching my siblings do it). My hunch is that it's going to be a phase you're going to have to tough out, and if there is a "fix" it's not going to be easy. I sure hope someone else posts with more experience.

A friend told me how her dad dealt with angsty teenagers (including herself). He had a sharp ear for anytime she and her sisters talked back to their mom or refused to do chores. Then, days or weeks later, when they came to dad for a ride to a friend's house, he would comment calmly, "I seem to remember your mother asking you to do something a while ago. If you don't have time to help your mother, then I don't really have the time to drive you to your friends." Apparently it smartened up the girls in a hurry, and the dad never had to raise his voice or lose his temper.

End point: you might not need to concoct an effective punishment immediately, but do draw a firm line for what you will and will not accept (and make sure your wife and the father support your position). The punishment doesn't have to be heavy-handed - just enough to impress upon the teen that there *are* consequences for his actions, and it's *his* choice to work with his family members or against them. Good luck!

[lovingmom4kids]

good one with the "I seem to remember your mother asking you to do something a while ago. If you don't have time to help your mother, then I don't really have the time to drive you to your friends."

Gonna have to remember that one!