Need some " How to's" on potential stepchildren behavior issues!

[Ktz40]

I have posted on this site & really am finding no feeback, so I will try here now.
I guess Im in a new area of my life with a great love & an amazing future. However, with our combining of our families I have many worries on how we will blend in the future. We are talking about moving in in about a year from now. We gather our children at least once a week & for the most part things have been going well. His oldest son ( 9yr old) seems to be having a steady increase of issues that I feel are important enough for my b/f to bring him to the doctor for. Their mom has been ill & in the hospital off and on for a cpl months. The boy uses his fear of his mothers health for an excuse for ALL his behavior problems. He hits, has full blown temper tantrums, bangs his head when he doesnt get immediate attenttion or if he doesnt get his own way etc. His dad tells me he is also having problems with his behaviour in school as well. Ive just recenty began to discuss his sons behaviour with him ( very careful not to be overly pushy) & he feels his son has been acting out  with attempts to control his own enviroment & to get his own way. He really doesnt believe it could be disorder related. But also with his ead banging in anger , Ive seen this boy banging his head now with his arms when he is tired , or he holds his dads hand and bangs his head aslso as a way of soothing himself.. I have fears that eventually this will be an issue our family combining in the future. But I do not know how to get involved without that becoming an issue as well. I have also concerns that he will also turn his anger onto my kids & Im not sure what to do when that happens( I feel it will ) Most recently he put his foot an inch away from my 6yrs olds head when he was upset my son was copying him when he was whining. So I have a lot of concerns & now that I have found the Love of my life, Im scared. Please help !

[BabyHardiman]

How is he behaving while in school?  I wonder if he is just acting out around you, and your children, or if this is an absolute issue in his life.  It is so hard for kids at that age to begin sharing their father with other children.  While I am not an expert, I can relate to seeing some anger issues in our combined family.  I do not have children with any other man, I am currently pregnant by a father of 3 little girls, and we have another princess on the way, but the other children do have anger issues, but not all the time.  

It may be something that could be worked out at home rather than seeking professional help.  I know you are concerned for the safety of the little boy, and those he comes in contact with.  Do you know if he is seeing the school guidance councelor?  If so, the dad could talk to him/her about what the child may be feeling.  Sometimes it is easier for the child to talk to someone outside of the family about what he/she may be feeling.  But I guess that is where the "professional" help would come in handy, huh?  =)  

Is he currently taking any medications?

[Ktz40]

Wow..an answer ! Gasp !...All joking aside Thank so very much for your reply.

I guess with regards to whether or not this is happeneing when Im not there, well his dad tells me his behaviour has been escalating at home & at school. His dad is an amazing father & Ive never seen any father out there in my experience with the intensity of ensuring secuirty & love into his children, its truely beautiful. ( one of the many reasons I love him so).

But as we have only been together since July, we didnt invlove the children until Nov & I can only go by what Ive been seeing with my weekly visits. Their mom is in the hospital & his son uses this as a reason for his most recent behaviours and outbursts. But I know before we involved the children, my b/f was having concerns with him not doing his schoolwork , homework & even getting into a physical ffight at school with another child.
As soon as he doesnt get an answer, response or attention for anything he wants, he begins to bang his head. This too has been escalating more frequently. I only began asking some questions a cpl weeks ago when the boy was so mad because the other kids were being silly ( mildly so) that he smashed his head into the floor violently at least four/five times, enough for dad to jump up & for the remaing children to stop dead in their tracks with their mouths hanging open. His dad asked him why he does this & he said that it was his body & he wasnt hurting anyone, so why stop...His dad tells me its his way of controlling what he wants from his enviroment. I has also seen full blown kicking & screaming temper tantrums from him whereas his dad had to pick him up & remove him from banging his head into the wall. When his dad said I dont want you to do that, he just kept trying to bang his head & screaming over & over I want to bang my head...etc.. Wasnt pretty.. As my oldest is only just turned 10..i just cant imagine seeing that behaviour without thinking there must be underlying issues. No he is not on meds.
I dont think he is talking to school conciller. Im trying to approach my concerns in babysteps as this is all new ground for me.
He can be a very sweet loving boy, loves hugs, but Im sure to some extent he is threathened by me and/or my kids..when i went there on the weekend( kidless). His dad told him we were gonna watch a movie & he can finish his show in the bedroom. He looked at me and repeated  over & over" I hate you , I hate you ". I paid him no attention after I realized what he was saying..
WOw...thanks again for your thoughts, truely appreciate any feedback.

[slow_healer]

Hmmm, I wonder if some advice from a professional counsellor would help in your situation. It sounds like the boy feels like he has no control over his life (hence the head-banging, something he *can* control). It really sounds to me like a counsellor or his mother needs to talk to him and reassure him that he's not getting abandoned, his mom isn't getting replaced, etc. etc. Whatever his fears are, if they could be alleviated, perhaps it might calm his impulses to act out. If the mother is uncooperative with this, then I'd definitely recommend talking to a children's counsellor for more specific tactics and resources you can use yourself to help this boy.

[Ktz40]

Well, as I said Im not to sure if he is actually seeing one or not, I dont think so. Im not certain exactly how much I should involve myself as Im still obviously a new role made with his children( the other two are very much welcong this change ..I asked my b/f if he thought this could be as a result of our relationship, he said No , the issues were already there.
I was concerned & wondering more about the possibly of a genetic disorder as his aunts are both OCD?
The head banging is defiantely a cry for more attention for sure, but he does this "every single time he doesnt get excactly what he wants"...and from what the dad says..more & more. He gets ALOT of attention..it just doesnt seem to matter though. It seems to be he needs more then that.
I know all children have there own ways of dealing with stress, but to me Ive never seen this before and find it " unnormal".