Angry 9 year old daughter

[Spyderfly2002000]

I need some advice....I am a 36 yeard old father who has custody of my 9 year old daughter.  Her mother and I divorced when she was 3 and I was awarded custody.  Since that time I have remarried and have two more children.  I have done my best to provide for my children but my 9 year old insists that she wants to live with her mother who by the way lives in another state.  My daughter has seen her mother through rose-colored glasses for the past 6 years and believes her life would be tremendously better there.  The problem is, her mother moved away and re-married another man who wants nothing to do with children. Though my daughter does travel to visit her mother on holidays and 42 days in the summer, her mother does not travel up to see her more than once a year.  I have extended the invitation to her whenever she wants to come up, but she doesn't and my daughter suffers.  Since she traveled up last, my daughter has envisioned this utopia lifestyle if I allow her to live with her mom.  Her mother has learned to love her "freedom" since she is not raising a child and when the two are together, they fight constantly.  
  My wife and I are at our wits ends with our daughter.  We cannot seem to make her happy and it has affected my wife to the point she is loosing her temper and the two end up yelling at each other.....I don't know what to do....any suggestions/advice

[jayncandi]

I am currently a step mom, but more importantly I was a child of divorce.  I lived with my mom, but always wanted to move with my dad.  I too had this vision of perfection at his house probably because the small amount of time I spent there was all fun, no responsibilities or punishment or rules.  But my mom held her ground as the adult in the situation and made the decision to keep me with her because she knew what was good for me.  I hated it at the time, but in hindsight, I realize it was the best thing for me.  I either would have found out that the grass wasn't greener or would have really gone in a bad direction with no structure.

Some things in her life she will just have to accept because she is the child and you are the parent.  This sounds like one of them.  I really don't believe as parents our job is primarily to make our kids happy, I believe it is to make them healthy, responsible, moral adults.  I know on a daily basis my job as mom interrupts the happiness of my children but as an adult I can see a bigger picture then them.  Trust that the decision that you are making is the right one for her and try whenever possible to help her understand that but in the end you have to do what is best for her no matter what.

[Spyderfly2002000]

Thanks for the response. It is good to know that the situation works both ways.  My wife and I especially notice our daughters emotions are turbulent after a visit from her mother.  This is usually when she asks the questions of "why can't I".  My job is possibly taking us close to her mother and I hope this helps.  We try our best to treat her equally compared to her younger brother and sister (my wife and I have two younger children together) but she sometimes doesn't see this. When she visits her mom, it becomes like a "trip to Disneyland" where no rules or limitations apply.  This, of course, comes to a complete stop when she returns and she fights that. Thanks for the words of encouragment.  

[lovingmom4kids]

Dear Spyderfly2002000,

I'm extremely concerned about your writing 'our' daughter in your post.  I know this may sound really petty to you, but it actually is a symbol of what your daughter may be filling.  

She needs to know that respect her mother.  It sounds in your post like you don't respect her mother and it probably comes across in your actions and your conversations, whether you mean to or not.

Your daughter may feel unimportant.  You have more children with your current wife.  And your daughter may feel out of place no matter how much you try to make her feel at home.  

It stinks.  It's just how it goes.

Sorry.

I don't know what to tell you.  It's all difficult no matter what you do.  I am a child of divorce.  My children are children of divorce.  And I am a stepmother.  And I had a stepmother.  And I had a stepfather.

It sounds like you have her best interests at heart.  It sounds like you love her.

I know it's hard.  All of this is hard for you.  For her.  For your wife.  For your ex.

Have you thought of counseling?  Have you thought of you and your ex sitting down and talking about this and what you believe your child needs?

I've had friends that allowed their children to go and live with the other parent when they asked and some of them stay there and others come home the next year only to say they are glad they are back.  

I don't have enough information to tell you what is best.  the only thing I can tell you is search your heart... take out any and all feeling of your ex and really think about your child... put yourself in their shoes... maybe they just want to know their mom... maybe they just miss the chance at having their mom be their mom - good or bad as that may be...

Just think about it.  I wish you the best of luck.  Blessings!