My unruly 4 year old

[110279hld]

I just don't know what to do.  My 4 year old is so stubborn and strongwilled!  When I tell her to do something she tells me no, she screams at me, causes sceeen ses when we are out in public, doesn't listen to anything I tell her and has horrible temper tantrums.  When I smack her on the bottom (not hard of course) she throws herself on the ground and screams like she is being murdered.  If I tell her to put her toys away she tells me she doesn't know how.  I tell her that we need to throw her toys out then and she will pick them up and put them in a trash bag but not where they go.  What do I do with her, she used to be such a sweet little girl.

[deanne11]

Sounds like my last weekend at the mall and then after a playdate with my 3 and a half year old.

Just be consistent.  I am totally in line and backup everything I say.  She knows when Mommy is serious.

My DH is not at all consistent with her and it shows in what you described above.

Never let your emotions get the better of you.  Walk away before punishment if you have to.  If you let them see, what they are doing effects you in anyway...they got you.

Of course, I'm all talk....I'll wait and see others advice....LOL

[deanne11]

I think it's a strongwilled girl thing....I never see people complain about their boys.  At least not in these scenarios....

I have a boy now....4.5 mos old.  We'll see in 3 yrs.....

[kerryke]

I could have written the exact same post!!!  I dont know, my mom (who is a psychologist)
always says, "oh, he's just a boy" or "oh, his little brain is jut too yound to understand" ...
I'm like, "are you the same person who raised me?"  She says the same thing, just give choices calmy and be prepared to follow-thru, so dont threaten with something you can't/wont actually go through with...they figure out very quicky if you are bluffing.  My son has no problem with taking the bad choice...I'll say, either pick up your toys or sit on the couch, he'll go straight to the couch....arrgghhh.  So, now, for instance, if I say...
"its time to take a bath" and he of course immediately says "no".  I say, "you can either take a bath and go to bed or take a bath and then play for a little bit", its like he forgets that he was
fighting taking a bath and focuses on something different.  So, that is my new method, try to re-direct his thought process.  Some things I want to challenge him on, because, before I had kids I just knew what I would and would not do...but, based on your own child you just figure out what works to maintain a happy being.

[DG111]

I have a 6 year old daughter and I know exactly how you feel. I try to stay as calm as possible and if I have to I walk away. We try to make the punishment fit the "crime" We have taken toys away, taken TV time away. If she is extremely upset I tel her she needs to go have some time alone in her room and when she is ready to talk to let me know. It is getting easier as she is getting older. I honestly think now that people should be warned about the furious 4's as I like to call it- because the terrible two's was a piece of cake. 1 other thing I try to do is to get her to explain to me why she doesn't want to do something. I get down to her level and explain that I see she is terribly upset- but I can't help if she doesn't talk to me.

The main thing as others have said is to remain consistant. I explain the rules before we go somewhere and I explain the consequences. We have walked out of resteraunts becuase of her behavior before. During a short family fun weekend- we were staying at a hotel and 1 from home- we gave the warning and told her if she didn't settle down we would head for home- and we did.

[110279hld]

I am so glad to hear that its not just me.  I thought I was the only one.  I agree, the teriible 2's were nothing compared to this. Glad to hear it starts to get better, even if its only a littl - i'll take it.  

[deanne11]

I agree with you 100%...we have left vacations and malls and restaurants early because of unruly behavior.  You can't be afraid to pull out all the stops if behavior is unacceptable.

[sfritz]

I have the exact same behavior happening with my 3year old girl. She is in head start and we actually just had a meeting about her behavior with them and a couple of behaviorists.
Her teachers thought she might have ADHD, but the behaviorists said she is what they classify as a "spirited" child.  They gave me a great book titled "Raising Your Spirited Child. a guide for parents whose child is more intense, sensitive, perceptive, persistent, energetic."  by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Its great!!  
You can actually get the book for like $8 on Amazon.

Good luck!!

[LosingMyMindInGA]

are you sure you're not talking about MY 4 yo and 3 yo?  I've learned that consistency is the key.  Take last night for example...my 4 yo got into my lotion and got chapstick ALL over my bed.  I calmly made her come out from behind the bed...wipe the excess lotion off and told her lay over the edge of the bed for a spanking becuase she knew what she did was wrong.  After her spanking she cried and immediately went and put her jammies on.  

When they won't clean up...they get put in their room by themself until they are ready to help.  (toys are in a different room).  If they don't want to help, *I* take the toys and "throw them out" I really just hide them for a few weeks OR I go for the ONE toy that they REALLY love.  

As hard as it is, when you're out shopping...the MOMENT she starts in on a temper tantrum...take her to the car and just SIT there until she calms down...then you can go back in or go home.  

I would suggest reading "The New Strong Willed Child" and "Dare to Discipline" by Dr. James Dobson.  He's the founder of Focus on the family.  Their website is www.family.org

Another you have to make them understand is that when they get discipline it's becuase it's a consequence of their own actions.  When she chooses to show a certain behavoir she is choosing the consequences of her actions, good or bad.  YOUR job is likened to that of a police man.  Your daughter knows the rules, your job is to enforce them and make sure that she faces the consequences of HER decision.

When she gets in trouble tell her "you are getting (spanked, time out whatever" becuase you CHOSE to misbehave by (throw something, have a fit, etc).  Becuase you made that decision you now have to face the consequences"

Sounds like a lot for a 4 yo to take in but the more they hear it the more it sinks in.  

[lfb]

I am so glad to see your post.  I teach kindergarten and have always judged parents based on their children.  I am now eating so many words since I have a 4 year old myself.  I don't know what to do with him.  His mouth is absolutely horrible.  He backtalks all the time and yells terrible things at me and my DH.  I am a lot more consistent than DH and it shows.  He is better with me, but worse with DH.  I am at a loss.  I never would have dreamed I would have a child that talked so bad to us at 4 years old.  The thing that I have found that works the best is setting clear expectations prior to an event (e.g. going in a restaurant, bedtime, shopping, etc.) and consequences for not meeting the expectations.  If I notice that he is starting to go the wrong direction, I try to calm him down and change his behavior before the really bad stuff starts.  It is like once he loses it, he doesn't care and the mouth just starts running!

[110279hld]

Thank you all so much, I am def. going to look up these books.  You have no idea how much it helps just to know I'm not alone.  Especially when DH is just oh so helpful!

[sara_jane]

I have three daughters ages 4, 3 & 1 !! the terrible 2's only start at 2 i want to know when they end!! You daughter sounds just like my 4 yr old!! I have tried everything!! She can be the sweetest most submissive little girl in the world if she wants but then other times she is uncontrollable my mom says i need to be more consistent with the way i punish her!! and like someone said up there do not threaten things you will not or can not go through with!! I dont know what to tell you but if you figure it out you should let me know!!!