Asperger's aggression

[srt12780]

Hi, my son is very aggessive and lacks any type of inpulse control.  He can not be left alone with his siblings.  Does anyone have any reccomendations?  I know he does not want to do these things, because when we talk about it he says he loves his sister, etc, but he hurts her all the time.  My poor daughter has to put up with his aggressions on a dialy basis.  I can't watch him every second he's awake.  I also can't put either child in a protective bubble or send my son to his room and leave him there all day.  I really don't know what to do with him and I'm not a big advocate of drug therapy.  He's so young and I don't want to change his personality, only his behavior.  Will this end soon?  Will he gain contol at 6, 7, or 8?  I love my little boy, but I'm sad that he's so physical.  He's starting to internalize his behavior and now said to me this morning that he's a bad boy even though no one tells him that, not us, or his teacher.  I worry about his self-esteem as he grows older.  We praise him when he's good, but he gets a ton of negative feedback.  Don't do this, don't do that, etc.  "you need to go to your room for hitting your sister", I constantly feel like I have to micromanage him.  But he knows he's in time out/ or his room a lot and I do that so he can calm down or to protect his siblings.  Any advice would be helpful.  

[MJIthewriter]

Regrettfully I was rather agressive with my younger sister. I don't remember why for all the cases, but touching me by any shape or form turned out to be a big NO-NO... (unless it's a back-rub, then it's welcome ;)) Hugs are welcome too if you ask first or if I request. Even my parents ended up learning the hard way. No tickle!  Tickle me and you'll get slapped rather hard... Same with poking on the shoulder. At best I end up rubbing the area like a burn because it feels sort of like that. At worst I may grab the hand and shove it away or hit the person if they persist.  For some reason people like to tickle and continue tickling even after someone cries stop... My mom's last tickle ended up a disaster... At least she learned not to tickle me ever again.

If it is a case like described, perhaps it would be good for thyour daughter to be aware of certain boundries such as not touching your son, unless he requests.  Sometimes with my younger sister it was a matter of personal space. I didn't like her following me around, so I would lash out.

As far as the impulse control, I still don't have impulse control... That doesn't seem to go away... I basically had to give up just about any computer or online game...

[MaryannesMom]

I'm not usually for medication for children, but in some cases I think it is warranted.  I have tried it with my daughter who has Asperger's, and it actually made her worse.  But, I had a child in my day care with an ADHD diagnosis and I could tell the second she walked in the door if she had her medication or not.  If she didn't, she was so mean to her brother, constantly picking on him and hurting him, and she couldn't sit still to do anything constructive.  If she had medication, she was the most wonderful person, and extremely artistically talented.  She could draw the most beautiful pictures, when she was on medication which took away the agnst that drove her to unacceptable behaviors.  She would say how much she hated how she felt when she wasn't on medication.  If I were you, I would consider trying medication.  Like you said, it is not fair to your daugther to be hurt all the time in her own home!   And it sounds as if your son does not like how he feels/behaves either.

[srt12780]

I guess it wouldn't hurt to give medicine another try and to also like MJthewriter stated, teach my daughter some social boundries for her brother.  I really hadn't thought about trying to teach her to survive her brother, more just disipline for him.  If she learned that he doesn't like to be touched then maybe that would solve some issues, but then they couldn't play like brother and sisters do.  She wouldn't be allowed anywhere near him.  There's no way to draw a line at this age and say you can play with him, but don't touch him anywhere on his body, or you can play with him,but make sure you only play with your toys and not his....basically they just wont be able to play together at all.  He doesn't like to play with her, he doesn't like her in his room, etc.  It's sad.  

[MOM24KIDS]

I know a little boy who is now 9 who has this. His mom chose no medication and lots of bad things happened. He eventually after about a year of breaking windows, kicking holes in walls and leaving a stove on high over night mom looked for some help. Then he threaten to kill his older sister. He was removed from the house and put into foster care one on one  and they put him on 2 kinds of medications.  He is a different child now, he plays hockey and soccer, and he is doing well in school and his mom and dad got custody of him back.   So don't dis medication, these kids don't understand and if help is there early get it for them  before something happens you regret.

[MJIthewriter]

I have no doubt that MOM24KIDS may be telling the truth about one family, but I think it's an extreme case... Not every autistic who "hates" their sibling will get that violent.

When you talk about how your son and daughter play that was like me with my younger sister. I hated her following around. For one thing she'd get into my things and disrupt whatever I had set up. I think it was either a container of crayons or colored pencils she tipped over. It got me pretty mad. Also I hated her crying and screaming. When that happened I'd either try to shut her up or I'd flee the house.

I regret the aggression I displayed to my sister in her early years, but I think as we grew up we got better. She still remains a polar opposite of me...but that’s how life is.

She's social, loves to hang out with her friends... She would invite them into the house where they would stay all day and not go away. Some of her friends were okay, but some were outright hyper and some would gang up against me.  I eventually learned to shut my room off. I made it very clear to my sister my room is off limits (although now that I am gone that is moot). She would not enter my room unless I specifically allowed her to do so and she would play my games on my terms.

We had several fun times. One of our favorites was to play outer space. I had my room full of glow in the dark stars and planets. Our space ship was my bed and we had a throttle which was a plastic Jurassic T-rex turned upside down. We had all sorts of "alien" encounters (which we called Terrorizers) that would come and want to do harm. We had a protective shield that kept them from penetrating the ship.  We had fun making the terrorizer sounds. Both my sister and I screamed into a tape recorder.

I have no idea how to get your son to do this, but perhaps he can find a way to include her in his games. This also provides that his sister plays by the rules he sets up. It can be quite a bit of fun. But he can't be forced to do this any more than I could. It has to be something he decides as well as his sister.

[chikp]

A behavior analyst should be able to help you.  He/she will work with you and your family to try to hash out the functions of the behaviors.  Once that is determined you son will be taught replacement behaviors that he can use to meet the needs that his concerning behaviors are filling for him.  

Try doing a web search for 'behavior analysis' or 'applied behavior analysis' in your state.  That would be a good place to start.  

[SueNYC]

ASD or not, you have to make him understand that society will punish him for his behavior if it escalates.  The fact that his school tried to have him arrested for refusing to get out of  an unlocked bathroom was a good example to use with my son.  Though angry about how the school dealt with this I have to say it was a lesson well taught and the incident is funding his private school.  

His father, a lawyer, explained that he could not always bail his temper prone rear end  out of the fire - we also had my brother the prison guard do a scared straight on him.  Sam was very unsettled as my brother described what happened to men behind bars.  It sounds harsh, but it was quite effective.

[Sally44]

Firstly I think nearly every household has siblings that don't get on and fight sometimes to the point of hurting eachother.  
I agree with MJ that your daughter may need more information about autism and what she should/should not do (afterall children with autism are not good at communicating their likes/dislikes verbally, you usually get a smack first!).
Secondly your son has to know that certain behaviour is unacceptable.  But from an autistic point of view, my son has explained to me that when he gets upset/angry/overwhelmed etc that he cannot 'stop the feeling' and whereas we might feel upset he gets 'flooded' with feelings that overwhelm him.  They do find it much harder to get their feelings under control and sometimes it takes them along time to 'recover' from something.  So praise any positive action he takes to control/keep control of himself or to manage himself.  Empathise (it helps him identify what he is feeling/how he is behaving) eg. I can see you are really upset about ..... and maybe you need some quiet time in your room to calm down (this can make it more positive than just time out or you've been naughty so go to your room).  In the same way, your daughter may need help if your son is breaking her toys/messing up her room.  She needs to be able to set boundaries for her brother and to know she will be backed up by you.
I have heard of a very good behavioural system called 1,2,3 magic.  This is a way of rewarding good behaviour (and when they have enough rewards they can trade them in for a treat of their choice).  It also allows options/choices (as some children with autism/ADHD may find it hard to comply straight away), but their choices comes with responsibilities eg. you ask them to do something now, if they comply they get 3 rewards, if they cannot comply until later on they get 1 reward (but the important thing is that they are rewarded for complying, even if it was later, rather than being punished for not complying straight away.  
It might be worth seeing if you can find out about this system as I have heard only good things about it from parents of children with autism/ADHD/and NT children.  A number of schools are now using this approach as well.