Taken advantage of

[Stdparanoid]

so I was raped by a family friend at 6 and molested by his grandfather
from age 4-6 that I can remember. Maybe even earlier on.

I am now 24. My life has been amazing and I don't feel like my childhood
experience has traumatized me in any way. I don't have the usual
"issues" associated with getting raped. Paranoia etc...

I am now at a point where I want to better understand
myself and the way I do and react to things. I don't feel like the incidents
have affected me, but wonder if deep inside it has and it is coming out in other ways.

Does anyone know of a counselor in Boston or Ri? Maybe even complimentary counseling since
I do not have insurance.

Thanks!

[jml1986]

I do not know of any counselors in your area, but I do know what you mean. I was a victim of incest by two uncles, sexually abused by a neighbor and one of my babysitters brothers and raped at 18. I in no way have ever let these events dictate my life. Yes, they were horrible, but those events are not what I am all about and I control me not them. Do I wish I could change things, I guess, I really have never given it that much thought because I don't think these men deserve that much of my time. I am a well adjusted business women, who is married for 26 years, I have 3 grown children, 2 step and one of my own, and five step grandchildren. I enjoy my life and I'll be damned if I am going to crawl in a hole just because I didn't grow up in a house with a white picket fence. My parents knew about what happened and it was the hardest thing they ever had to deal with. My dad has since passed away, but I see no reason to make my mom relive these events til the day she dies. It was not their fault and I do not blame them for not protecting me, if they had known when it was going on, they would have done everything in their power to protect me. So, I love them both enough to let them not live with the guilt. I am really happy to see that I am not the only person out there that is like this. I was beginning to think maybe I was just a freak of nature. PM me if you want to chat.

[Stdparanoid]

Hey!

Thank you for your sweet reply, and prompt!
I am glad to hear the way you feel because most girls I know have
Major issues. I thought for a while something must be wrong with me
because I wasn't affected the same way. It is not something I talk about or make a big deal out of. Of course, I support everyone else who feels the need to! But since it did not affect me in any obvious way I know of, I just figured it might actually end up affecting me if I relived it by talking about it and pretending I am handicapped by it. After being asked by my doc if I was ever assaulted, he recommended I let it out or it might come out later. I have dealt with it so well all these years but now am thinking I should probably talk to someone about it. It can't be healthy to keep it in this long. Maybe it is subconsciously affecting me. Do I sound paranoid LOL. What do you think? Should I talk or go with the flow? ;-)

[ticked]

i dont think taht it ever hurts to talk about your feelings, but i think that once you do more things will start to come out that you have forgotten or hid from.  You seem to be handling it well and as long as you realise that you are not a victim anymore than you will be good.  Its hard for some (me included) to overcome what people have done. I am now 30 and I wont let that stuff control me anymore. I have realised that the people that did that to me had problems and in the end what goes around coems around and it will big time.  To me i forgave those that hurt me and I moved on with my life.  It is hard and it wasnt overnight it was 15 yrs of heart ache. I wouldnt want another day to go by knowing that i was holding bitterness/hatered and anger for something that someone did to me and they had no idea what i felt nor cared.  You are strong jml1986 and I commend you for striving to live your life eventhough someone has violated you.  

[jml1986]

You know I really think it is up to you. I really have never felt the need to take to a therapist or anyone about what happened. I don't think you are at all paranoid. I think it is easy for people to tell us that we need to see a therapist or talk to someone because we may have some underlying issues that we have not dealt with. I have even watched Dr. Phil and he tends to tell his guest that the reason they are overweight is because they are punishing themselves for the abuse in their past. I just really don't believe that is true. I have never denied what happened to me, and I have never not told people if the subject comes up. I am no way trying to demean any other person who can not deal with their abuse the way I have, but I really have not made it one of the main factors in my life, because I didn't want to give it that control. Sadly I am not a counselor so I have no way of telling others how to do this, but for me I will forever not let those people play an active role in my life. So whether you chose to talk to someone is up to you, but I can tell you, I am 46 now and have never felt the need to.

[Ktz40]

If you are healthy happy & not affected by these past events..then just let sleeping dogs lie...I once thought maybe it would help to have my past exposed, but it actually turned out to be the opposite of what I hoped. Instead I was re-living events that were horrible over & over and digging up emotions that were hidden. I was a basket case and had a hard time with the days I spent remembering these events. Sometimes our brain mechanisns shut out memories & incidents from our past for a reason. They do no good to resurface as we have no way of understanding why other people molest us as children, taking away our innoncence. I have learned that I am the only one in control of my life & where it is headed. I am the only one who determines how my past life effects my present, and I discovered that only I can not allow my past to haunt or infunence my future, or not allow it too. We are the only ones in control of our lives, best to let it stay where it is, no sense it pulling out the demons, they only damaged us ( you ) then, now now. Enjoy life & forget , dont try to remember. Be stronger for knowing you are not affected by it, you are one of the lucky ones :).

[jo929]

i do not want you to think that in anyway am i critizing either of you. I just want to ask one question did you not ever feel that your abuser should be turned in so that they could not abuse anyone else? Also i wanrt to commend all of you on the way you handled this situation, you are right to not let one control you and you are right to not let yourself be the victim. I am so happy for all of you that you have found the way not to let it get you down the way it has some again i hope this quwstion does not offend you      lots luck  jo

[Ktz40]

Have you ever been in this situation ?

[jo929]

not sexually just the touching part  jo

[Ktz40]

Well Jo, its very eay to shovel out advice on what to do when you are not living that life. I wish I couldve, but by the tiime I honestly realized what had happened to me, it was  few years later. Then I heard the stories of how so many others were. I protected the one person I could, and that was the best I could do. It wasnt just one person , it was many...maybe 6 mor 7 that I can remember as a child, beginning at around 3 or 4yrs old. I never knew what it was called...i was a scared terrified little girl. As I grew older and I heard about so many others, the news was when " my grandmother dies it will all come out "...well she died one week ago today at 88 yrs old....I guess no one wanted to allow the " gossip" that all her boys were taking the innocence of her girls , nieces nephews and who knows how many others...i doubt these men will be brought to justoice now either..so many years later..but hey of any one of my cousins or brothers wants to step forward, then Ill jump on the bandwagon ..
How do you bring men to trial when you only remember grunts & groans in the darkness, when they were so many...how could one little girl be that brave...well she wasnt...she still lives inside me & I wish to God these men could be brought to justice...but for me that was 25 yers ago and more..
I wish I had the courage & its gotta be harder then anyone who doesnt have the experience , could ever know.I wish those luck.

[jo929]

my computer is acting up i have tried 4 times maybe this will get through first let me say i am sorry that you had to go through this as i am with any child,and as i mentioned i have worked with the trouble people with all kinds of problems in the state mental hosps where one went when they could not afford private therapy i am not a therapist but each one of the people were special to me and many were abused  as a child and we also had some young girls that had been abused also. and the reason that i asked was that i felt maybe if one was strong enough to stop the abuse  from going on if the person was still alive and able to do this to others. i was not trying to be a nosy woman and i was raped as an adult but i think the adult can get thhrough this , but a small child have so many scars and if i can help them in anyway i wouldi also am sorry that your granmother passed away i know of many people that were abused and some were by family members and i just hoped there was a way to break the cycle if i have hurt you in any way i do apoligise and my heart goes out to you i also think you have handled this well  best wishes    jo

[Ktz40]

No Jo, I dont mean to sound harsh, I didnt tell, lots dont. That was then, I think its diferent now But then the guilt, shame & feeling of being a " badgirl" was more then I could deal with. My mother had fallen into a life of poverty & abuse herself at the hands of a man that eventually shot her when I was eleven. So I guess it was more to do with the whole poverty, alcoholism, and bad situation...
If today that happened to one of my children I would die, Ive prepared them all there lives against a " bad touch". But I wonder how they would be manipulated into not telling if this happened. So many dont tell, I guess its harder to know till your there , inside that childs mind". Ive done my best not to allow it to control my life, but Ill admit Ive had a few issues over my life, issues I knew were related to the years of abuse, but knowing it allows you the power to deal with it, so I just do. Thanks for your comments.