how does one really know?

[colderwater]

i feel really odd and silly typing this up because i'm usually the person lashing out at all the teenagers claiming they're "depressed" when they're really just going through what every other teenager goes through. but i'm 16 and i've always been somewhat of an introvert, not very social, awkward, etc but the past year months or so i really feel like i'm losing myself.  i've been feeling a lot of unreasonable anger toward my sick grandmother, whom i share a room with. i can't stand her even talking to me. i haven't slept in my room in over a year because she smells terrible and wont ever shut up and sometimes i feel as if i should feel guilty for treating her the way i do, but i don't at all. everyday, i hope she dies or just disappears from my life. and this anger stays with me all day long and its too the point where it just makes me angry at everything and everyone. i can't stand being around my parents or my friends, i hate getting of the couch (my bed), i hate moving (walking, getting up to use the bathroom), and i want nothing more than to sit on the couch all day long and stare at the wall. with college stuff coming around, i just feel really lost. i dont know what to strive for. i dont have goals or passions. i cant think of a single thing i'm good at or enjoy doing. and i dont want to end my life, i never have. but i dont exactly want to LIVE either. what is going on with me? i don't want to keep hurting my family and friends.

[April2]

It sounds to me like you're experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety about the things going on in your life and unsure of the future. At your age it's perfectly natural and understandable to be afraid of what's next around the bend. You're getting ready to leave high school and everything that's familiar to you. It's scary to think about going out into the world and becoming an adult and having more responsibilities.
First off, don't worry if you don't know what kind of career you want yet. You don't have to know right away. The first year of college you just need to take your required basic classes anyway. You don't have to specialize anything yet. That gives you at least another year to see what you want to do. And many, many people start off in college not knowing what they really want to do and wind up changing their major more than once, so don't worry about that. You wouldn't be the first! Just try some things out that you think interest you and go from there.
My son is now in his second year of college and loves it! He too was scared when he was getting ready to graduate from high school and didn't want to leave his friends and everything that was familiar to him. He also worried that he didn't know what he wanted to do. I told him what I just told you.Just to take one day at a time and take the classes that are required of you and then some that you're interested in and see where it goes from there.

It sounds like too that you're not getting enough time to yourself or privacy. I don't think you hate your grandmother. I just think that you're feeling overwhelmed right now and this only adds to the stress. I do think it's good for you to be able to have some "you" time or down time to yourself.
What interests you? Do you like to paint, draw, read? Do something just for you. And get a little exercise. I know you don't think you want to or are motivated to but it really will make you feel better and calmer and you'll have more energy and hope. If you feel too unmotivated, ask someone to partner with you and go out and jog every day or join a sports team where you will have to participate. The more you get into the habit, the more you will enjoy it. Trust me. I know it will be hard at first, but when you get into the habit and force yourself to start off with, you will find after awhile that you no longer need to force yourself, that you enjoy it. It really works.
You also need to spend some time with kids your age outside of school. Do you have a youth group you might be interested in or sports or a club? Check out your options. I don't think you necessarily have clinical depression. I think you just have a lot going on in your life right now and have let it overwhelm you.
You need to explain to your mom too that you need your own space and see what kinds of arrangements you can make for you to be able to have your own room and place to sleep.
Just try some of these suggestions and see if that doesn't make you feel better. And take one day at a time! Be patient, this time in your life won't last forever. Take care.

[makyla]

April2 is right. Living with my dad was tough. Everytime i saw him I got angry. Evertime he spoke I just wanted him to shut-up and go away. I was lazy. Didn't do anything around the house. Sat in my room all the time (now I got pudge to work off to show for it! lol) The only place I was happy was at school or away from my house and "family".

But I have changed soo much in the past 6ish months. That's beause I moved though. I came to live with my mom. It was hard adapting to a world 800 miles away from the only one I ever knew.

I'm not saying "move". You just need some time away from everything. Something not about everyone else. A vacation. Life is so stressful on us teenagers and is going to continue being more so with every generation. Believe me. I am almost 17. I have no permit. No social security card. So I can't get a lisence. I have no job because I have no means of getting there. No car. No idea on what I want to do with my future. Not sure if I want to go to college, or what for. A family that never talks to me. And It has been so hard to make friends even though I have been the new girl for over 6 months now. I just take life as it comes no point in stressin over the things you cant control. Or what you can. You'll only make yourself missarable. Plus you'll age before your time.

If you're saying to yourself " She just repeated what April2 said" then it must meen she made good points that I to have learned. May you gain wisdom in your life with out the pain many have suffered.

[slow_healer]

Hey colderwater, how's it going now? I don't mean to downplay your feelings but I think hormones might have a lot to do with how you're feeling. Things that normally wouldn't be a big deal for some reason set you off, and at 16 there's so many chemicals trying to shape your brain into an adult's that it's hard to feel relaxed. I think that's why we get so moody as teenagers. We're already going through a lot of emotional and social changes. The physical changes really add to the stress.

My biggest piece of advice is talk to your parents about having your own room, so that when you feel that frustration starting to rise, you have a private place to go mellow out (you know, throw on some headphones and just tune all the stresful things out). If that's not an option, then the next best thing would be to find some kind of activity - music, jogging - something that you can do to relax and not feel burdened with the guilt of lashing out at your family. I think during your teenage years, more than ever, you need your own space to sort things out. Hope things go better for you!