my 13yr.old obsessed with sex

[laurel94]

I need advice ASAP!! My son wrote some very disturbing things to a girl on myspace how do i respond. I don't know how much i can say about what he wrote on this website as it was pretty bad. my question goes into more detail i posted  about 2hrs ago.  

[April2]

Hey there. I read your other post. I feel for you, really I do. I've been there too! I know exactly how you feel. You do everything you can to try and protect your child and teach them how to behave and you want to believe they're the innocent little child you've always known.
What's disturbing and sad to me is that the sex talk and sex acts are so prevalent now in our middle and high schools. Sure, it happened when we were growing up, but I think it's much more prevalent now. The message the kids are getting is that this is normal and to be expected instead of the message we had growing up that you wait until you're married and only the "bad kids" had sex and got pregnant out of wedlock. The pressure is so much worse now that to be "cool", this is how you act.
Walk around a high school sometime and you'll be shocked at the language and how the kids are acting. It's acceptable now.
That's what makes parenting now days so much harder. It's good that you can talk to your son. It's very good! I know that sick feeling you get when you realize that your sweet little boy has seen, heard and maybe even experienced things you wished he hadn't. You do need to talk to him about what you saw, but first take the time to calm down and figure out what you're going to say. Then sit down with him and calmly tell him what you saw and how you felt about it. Tell him that you understand how bad the peer pressure can get and how difficult it is to not succumb to what a lot of the kids are doing. Remind him, though, that not all the kids are acting this way. Talk to him about how to respect a girl and what that means. If you haven't already, go over how he should treat a girl; holding the door open, helping with her jacket and yes, treating her with respect with both his words and actions. Tell him that girls appreciate that. Remind him that you're a girl and you know!
I think you'll know what to say once the shock wears off a little and you can talk to him. You did say you've always been able to talk.
One thing I do recommend is that you know his password to his Myspace and tell him that you will be monitoring it. Be firm. Go over the rules. There is to be no sex talk, no sexy pictures, no foul language, etc. and if you see that on his Myspace then he will be grounded for one day for each time you see something. If it happens say three times in a row, tell him the Myspace will be shut down. Also tell him that he might want to warn his friends so that they aren't talking that way either or that you will be blocking them off his friends list. I'm speaking from experience here. The only way I've let my daughter have a Myspace is with all these rules. She's come close to losing it and I've warned her, so she knows. Sometimes she tries to be sneaky and change her password but we have a monitor on our computer that sees every keystroke, email, website, etc. It cost about $100 but it was worth it. You download it onto your computer. The one we use is called Spectorsoft  or Spectrasoft, something like that. Sorry, couldn't remember the exact name. Anyway, if you have teenagers, I strongly suggest you get some type of monitor on your computer.
Yes, some of this is normal teen behavior. He's going through puberty so you shouldn't be surprised that he's thinking about sex. He's probably thinking about it a lot! His body is going through a lot of hormonal changes. It's important to keep him busy with wholesome activities like sports and church and also to keep the communication lines open with him. I hope any of this helps. Feel free to write back or pm me if you like and I'll be happy to talk to you some more. I, too, have teenagers! So I understand. All we can do is try and teach them right from wrong, talk to them a lot and hope that they remember some, if not most, of all that we've taught them! Take care & God bless.
April

[laurel94]

you seem to have really understood my situation and it was such a comfort, i've been waiting all day for anyone to answer me so thank you so much, it really helped a lot.  I have really no one to talk too, i couldn't imagine what my husband would say and plus we aren't really speaking to each other anyway.   I was wondering as far as his disgusting comments and requests from this girl her answere's were like one word answer, it almost seemed to make her uncomfortable.  I mean I have talked to him so much about how most girls don't even want sex until much later and they would love a guy that didn't push it, he even has told me and his previous girlfriend how he's going to be a virgin until he's married, I feel like i don't even know him anymore and i can hardly look at him or hug him as he loves hugs. I'm guessing since i alway's tell him what a neat person he is and how lucky I am to have him as a son maybe he only tells me things he know's I want to hear which means he's been just lying to me all this time, oh my gosh he has really disapointed me terribly, it makes me sick.  Also before all this I  bought him a couple of posters for his room of girls in short short's and bikini's, maybe that was wrong. My parents were so extreme with me and not allowing anything not even movies or t.v that i believe in meeting my kids in the middle for a little balance, i mean when i moved out of my parents house i kinda went hog wild and got myself in a lot of bad situations.  
    I thought I'd talk to him while driving in the car so we won't be face to face, i just hope this doesn't hurt our relationship, we are so incredibly close.  I am so glad i saw what i saw though, but this was worse than when i caught him looking at porn but then again so does my husband.  I do check on him all the time in regards to the computer.
     Well sorry this went on forever, I  wanted to thank you, you gave me some great advice and now I don't feel so alone in this horrible situation.
       Have a good evening, sincerely laurel94.  P.S it sure was a lot easier in the 80's,I hate the world we live in now.

[buttercup86]

Your post caught my eye b/c I am in the middle of a research project concerning the state of sex-ed in the United States...also my husband has an 11 year old son and I know this stage is coming up very soon for us!  I hope I'm not making it appear as though your son's actions and language are acceptable, but I would like to point out that it is very likely he learned this behavior from peers...in other words he's not the only 13 year old boy doing this!  I know that is not an excuse, but perhaps it will help relieve your feelings of shock and disgust.  I agree with the previous post that you should have a discussion about respecting females, not treating them a sexual objects.  This might be hard for him to understand at only 13, especially in our society where women tend to be projected as sexual objects, not intelligent viable people.  But its worth bringing up!  I'm not sure about your feelings on sex education but b/c he is showing that he is very interested in sex, it seems like you should also make sure he is aware of the consequences of having sex...unplanned pregnancy, sexually transmitted disease, the emotions at stake, etc.  In my opinion parents have the responsibility to make sure their kids have adequate information about contraception and safe sex because if teenagers decide to engage in sex at a young age (which many do), they need to know what they are getting into...some parents think they should teach their children abstinence only.  It is a personal decision what you want to teach your children but it sounds like now is the time for you to do it!  I think you have great ideas about having discussions in the car, meeting your kids somewhere in between severely strict and irresponsibly lax, and keeping communication open.  It sounds like you have a great son and a wonderful relationship with him that many moms would be envious of.