Healthy Boundaries Between Mothers and Adult Sons

[Pistolina]

I have a dilemma. I have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half, and we are quite serious. We spend every night together at his house, and include each other in all our social activities. He was raised solely by his mother after his father left following his birth.
His mother came to visit this weekend, and it has been a nightmare. She requested to have dinner with him alone her first night in town. He agreed, but waited until the night before her arrival to tell me.
I felt rejected and left out, and he and I discussed how disrespectful of my time it was to give me such late notice. I also feel it was rude of her to ask him to exclude me when we spend weekend nights as a couple. However, I also see that she would want time with her son alone, so I relented.
Since then we have spent time with the 3 of us together and also with my family, and his mother has pouted, thrown tantrums, and insisted on more time with her son without me present. She had a conveniently-timed emotional breakdown which resulted in my boyfriend spending 2 hours alone with her in her hotel room, and me sitting alone in the car. I feel like she is trying to sabotage our relationship, and her potential relationship with my family. I have no interest in a power play with his mother. How do I handle this -- what can I say to my boyfriend, and how do I deal with her?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

This Forum addresses matters about child and adolescent social, emotional and behavioral issues, as well as matters about normal development and behavior management. It's not really designed to address questions such as the one you posed, so I'd prefer not to weigh in on that. You might post it on the Mental Health Ask A Doctor Forum or on the Relationships Medical Communities Forum.

[girlybuff]

I agree that this is not the place to post this but I'll give you my two cents.  Get over it.  If she lives out of time and wants to spend some alone time with her son, let her.  i know that you don't have children.  If you did, you might understand what her reasoning is a little more.
First and foremost, you are not his wife.  You're not even technically living together.  Spending every night at his house is not living together.  You are his girlfriend of a year and a half.  The mother is not really obligated to spend time with you OR your family.  Secondly, she went there to see him.  While I do feel it was rather disrespectful of him to leave you in the car for 2 hours, I don't think it is disepectful of him to want to spend time with her without you.
Honestly, she sounds like a typical mother of a son... a bit controlling, perhaps leary of new girlfriends, but if you intend to stay with this man, you will have to learn to pick your battles.
When and IF you get married then I think you can put your foot down as the wife comes before them other but until then, you gotta bite the bullet.
PS, I think hat you should let go of some of your control of him as well.  It's not that out of the ordinary for parents to want to spend time with THEIR children without the significant other.    

[chic12]

The question posted by Pistolina regarding appropriate Mother-Son boundaries is something you should take a second look at.    To me, this sounds like  Emotional Incest.  This is when during a child's life the parent-child roles are reversed.  The child becomes a surrogate spouse b/ such spouse isnt getting their needs met and they turn to their child for that.   This wreaks HAVOC on the child when they grow up and begin to form adult relationships.   Emotional Incest leaves in its wake a plethora of dysfunction not only w/in the child, but the whole family.  I do believe that this would fall under Family Therapy.   Emotional Incest goes on all the time in our society and surprisingly there are many mental health professionals that have never even heard of it.  I am sure that if you Google it-Emotional Incest, there will be some very informative & credible information.  I also recommend two books:  The Emotional Incest Syndrome by Pat Love & The Emotionally Unavailable Man by Patti Henry.