I Need Urgent Help

[curvedpath]

Help me please.

I live in a society where psychological help is seen as taboo, and so this is my last resort. I seem to the outside to have everything I need, I am from a very wealthy family, I have the clothes I want, I have everything I want, but still I feel like nothing is right, I am depressed, and I feel isolated, I have many loving friends that I love back, but there are moments when I feel so bad that i take an "antisocial week off". To add to a bad situation I am also gay, in a society where homosexuality is still criminal. I have heard both my parents insult homosexuals, calling us diseased and criminals, they hate gays, and so they hate me to. I came out to my friends and they didnt change in any way towards me, they are still loyal and loving as they ever were. My father is very busy, and when I do see him he constantly criticizes me. When it got too much for me, at the point when I contemplated suicide a few times a day, I made the choice to go to boarding school, and when I am in the school I am happy, but every dreaded break I find myself living my lie. I cant talk to anyone about this, because my family is very well known in my home country and so I will face lethal consequences. I dont know what to do...today I thought about suicide again, and it seemed extremely relaxing. The thought of having no worries, no stresses, no emotions, to just become nothing was very comforting. I'm worried that if any one bad thing occurs again I will go ahead and do it. All that stopped me from killing myself before was my curiosity about what will happen in my future. Only now, I dont care anymore. I have been driven to hard drinking and chain smoking, and I am only 18. Sometimes I wish that I could only place my head on my pillow and simple fade away into nothingness. Right now only my friends keep my anchored, but I can feel the pull on my anchor ever increasing, and one day I'm afraid that even their presence will no longer be strong enough to keep me here. Writing this has made me feel surprisingly better, but I know that it is only temporary.

[madisonbrowne]

talk a lot about it   yourfeelings  with friends       here is a start write your  feelings down in a  journal  sometimes the  best  chological help is      right there around you  your friends,               keeping busy retreating into lonlines will only make it  worse   this is  only my humbleopinion  asi  sudfferer from depression and dontparticularly     like           phycologist  

[cathycooley]

hi how r u feeling now?ive just read ur post and im very concerned for u.could u please go and talk to someone who u feel really close to as i promise it will make u feel better.secondly please dont feel that there is no help out there as im sure there is,u wll overcome these feelings once u speak to someone u feel comfortable speaking to.seek help ,please takecare and let me know how ur doing.all the best.ull get thru this trust me.

[Penguin_Buddha]

You definitely are depressed, whether by a chemical imbalance or by a severely stressful environment.  My email is Penguin_Buddha***@****, please email me and we can discuss your situation regularly.  Hopefully letting out your emotions through writing will lower your stress levels and help you life more normally.  Suicide can seem appealing at times, but there is much to live for.  You have the potential to live a happy life, you just have to pull yourself out of this situation your in.

You can pull through,
Penguin_Buddha

[KellyA74]

Is your boarding school in the same country as your family lives (ie. in which they frown upon homosexuality and psychiatric help)?  If not, is there a counselor on your school campus that you would feel comfortable talking to?  Venting is the best medicine, and you may find that if you are able to find a counselor and/or psychiatrist they can Rx you meds to help you through this gloomy time in your life.  It sounds like everyone outside of your family is very supportive.....You have been a gift to your friends, let them help you and be a gift to you.....

[Kay0201]

Hi I just read your post and even though I do not know you it worries me that you would feel this way and i am very concerned about you. I hope everything is ok since you posted this. Suicide is not the answer to your problems. If your friends have not changed towards you when you come out then you really need to sit down and talk to them about how you are feeling. Keep your self busy doing things you enjoy, like hanging out with your friends. I know it probably hurts that your family does not accept your lifestyle, or have you even told your parents or family? I know you said you told your friends but was wandering if you told your parents. Have you tried sitting down with your parents and told them how you feel and what is bothering you? If you have not then when you do decide to talk to them about your problems have one of your closet friends with you when you do to support you. You really need to open up and let it all out and talk, talk, talk to one of your closest friends or even me you can email me on here anytime you need to let it all out. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please let me know how you are doing and feeling and take care of your self. Please!!