Beginning of divorce: Part 2

[chloe802]

Well, I did it. He pulled another all nighter last night (St. Patricks Day). Even though he "passed out" at our neighbors house, he left and didn't come home. My husband has a bad drinking problum that has ruined our marriage. This has been going on for years, and has never got any better. Just worse. Mainly because I havn't done anything about it. I always put up w/ it, fought w/ him, but never made any dramatic changes until today. When he walked in the house at 11 am, I told him it was over and to pack up his stuff. He was so angry... packed it up, threw his wedding ring somewhere on the lawn. Now it's 10 at night, and he is calling like crazy. He's drunk, of course. He just called 3 times in a row, and hung up on me 3 times in a row. I really don't want to end the marriage, but I don't know what else to do besides divorce... do the tough love thing. I've offered counseling, AA, but he refuses. He admits now (because he's drunk) that this is his fault. One minute he'll say "I will always love you, etc" the next minute he is raging because he's sleeping on an air matress at his other drunk friends house w/ his clothes all in garbage bags. So, he keeps calling... wants to talk. I don't want divorce... I just want a sober husband. My parents hate him, pushing me to get a divorce, offering me help...I just battled some of my own personal problums, now this. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO??? ANYONE EVER HAD A DRUNK SPOUSE, PLEASE HELP!!!!

[teko]

Tell him he has a choice to make and stick to your guns. If he sincerely wants to maintain his marriage he will choose to get help for his alcohol problem. It is his choice and he will rant and drink and carry on until he figures out you are serious. How long it will take him is anybodys guess, however you should not let him back in until he gets help. If you do, it will be more of the same. The rest is up to him. I would also let him know that you do not have anything to talk about, and not accept his continuous calls. The ball is in his corner, see what his priorities are. If he chooses to get help, go to his meetings as well. This disease has hurt you too and they can support and teach you how to deal with him effectively. Good luck.

[green eyed lady]

I think you are doin the right thing. I had a BF for 3.5 yrs. who was an alcoholic and after realizing that instead of him getting better he was getting much worse. I needed to leave and I did.

I understand that a BF and a husband aren't the same...but I do understand that alcoholism destroys nontheless.

In order for your husband to get better he needs to hit his *bottom*. With him living at home he knows that when he goes on his benders you might ***** at him but ultimately he stays. No consequences. Now you've shown him that you've had it and  he doesn't like it. Too Bad! Maybe now he will see what he is losing because of his drinking, you, his family and his self respect.

Please for your sake, hang tight. Even though it's probably one of the hardest things you've ever had to do, it truly is the best thing to do. Addiction is a progressive disease and please understand that it will get worse in time. It will suck the life out of everyone who cares for him...maybe this is his *bottom* and he will get help. If not, then you need to leave for your own sanity. You're a strong woman so hang in there. Good luck to you.

[Jaybay]

I've been there.  First I tried to "suggest" limitations like drinking only on the weekends.  He took that as permission to drink a week's worth of alcohol in 3 days.  I did manage to convince him to keep his drunk a*ss at home and not drive to a bar, but that only applied to a 4-wheeler - not the motorcycle.  I finally refused to go riding with him because he always had to get shitefaced, even on a day ride.  The only defense I had for my own sanity was to go to bed as soon as I saw the light switch flipped to the "off" position on his brain.  When he finally realized I wasn't there with him, he'd wake me up demanding to know why I "abandoned" him on the couch.  While he wasn't ever a violent drunk, he was a sloppy drunk.  

After years of the drinking getting nothing but worse along with our marriage, I finally had enough.  Told him we either get into counseling and work on the drinking or I was gone.  Of course, the usual excuses were brought forth.  The best one was, "Therapy costs too much."  Hmmm... maybe we could pay for it if you stopped buying so much booze?  Hello!!  Well, I gave him a couple months to wrap his brain around the severity of the problem and finally dropped the bomb.  He came home from work and I said, "I want a divorce."  Of course, he got rip-roaring drunk in response.  He didn't even bother telling me he wanted to change and repair our marriage.  I think that hurt more than anything.  He couldn't even try.  So I moved out and the divorce was final 2 months later.

A lot of changes happened with both of us over the next few months.  He thought he was going to have a great time partying whenever he wanted without the old ball and chain dragging him down.  I figured he'd just hook up with some like-minded biker party-**** and ride off to the big bar in the sunset.  Well, he tried that lifestyle on for a couple of months and slowly began to realize that he really didn't want to live that way.  He very nearly lost his entire career once the drinking reached epic proportions.  Obviously losing me didn't scare him enough, but losing his job did.

We had plenty of other unresolved issues besides the drinking, the biggest being that we never had a fight.  Oh yeah, we got angry but we never talked things out when we disagreed.  Both of us had the mistaken idea (from our parents) that anything unpleasant was simply ignored.  That left us with not one, but a whole herd of elephants in the living room by the end.  

Finally, he drastically decreased his drinking. About 8 months after the divorce was final, we started talking again, and it wasn't about trivial BS.  For the first time in the 11 years we'd known each other, we confronted those issues frankly, and yes, painfully.  Looking back on it, I don't think a therapist could have done any better.  Why?  Because we were both willing to look at our own individual faults and decided to do something about them.  Long-enough-story-short, we remarried in 2005.  This time around bears no resemblance to the first time.  We both had to learn to open our mouths and calmly air our differences, and sometimes agree to disagree.  So far, so good.

[smittygirl]

Pick up the book Co-Dependent No More.   People with addictions can only be helped when THEY are ready to face their demons.  We can't fix other people only change our own situations.  It took me 10 years to figure it out and walk away.  Been divorced for 4 years now and although it is a very sad thing to go through time truly does heal all.  I wish all of you the very best and the courage you need to make changes.