Now what

[whatisay]

Ok here is the deal.  Male- married 14 years.  Not all rosy.  My wife had an affair in 1997-I do not know when it ended.  When I first discovered it she denied it.  It was over ten years before she admitted to what I knew.  During that time, I tried to forgive her and move on.  I did not want to split up.  During this time she also honded me about sex(this is what she blames the affair on that I did not giv eher enough I know it is my fault that she F'ed another man but lets not get off topic).  I thought that while she should be responsible for cheating, I could look at what I did.  It took me a long time to try to work all this out.  I may not have given her all she needed, but that was due to her unwvering need to have things her way.  When I tried to discuss why sex on her terms did not work for me, she palinly told me I was "wrong"  she accused me of being a homosexual on many occasions and would even complain(not give helpful tips, but complain) in the meiddle of sex.  This pushed me furhter away.

After she finally admits the affair during a fight it rekindles my feelings about it.  I was mean and angry about it,  I told myslef I woudl forgive her and this was just to be a part of our history I woudl deal with.  That was hard, but I beleive I have finally come to grisp with it and it is just part of our history(I am sometimes embarrased when I am with her closest friends, because I ffeel she told them about the affair, how I "was no good and maybe homosexual"  but that is my issue.  

I seek counsleing, for myself as i conclude I can only change how I see things and how I react,.  If this helps me and by chance makes her life beeter great, but I do not use it to make her change.  It is not  I';ll do this so you do it to.

I go thorugh one round and then another a few years later.  I am working with someone now.  I think I have made great strides.

So. the other night I am asking her how her day is, if she needs helop with a public speakig thing she has to do, and so on.  She asks, "What is with all the questions?"  I say half joking, "Well that is what brings peopel closer, showing an interst in people lives."  Her response, "Now?  Its too late.  I don't care."  This hit me very hard-

Throught the years, I have tried to make this better, Yes I have my faults, but I am extending some human kindness.  I am sure she cares that I contribue to the hosue hold finances( she could survie on her own she is successful) take care of kids, and on and on(not to say she does not do her share).  I think back jhst a week earlier and she wanted to have sex, and we did(and I did thing for her she wants that are nto my favorite, btu I did it with vigor to make her feel good).  Now this?  

So, what to do-if she wants me as a roommate fine, but don't expect sex and maybe it is time for me to "get what I need elsewhere- this seems spiteful "whats good for the gander" kind of thing"  I don't wnat a divorce, other than one kid who is difficult, the life ain't bad.  It is just the emotional closeness I ws trying to re-kindle seems to be done?  

Help

[thara]

It seems like there has been some damage done over the years, because now she is not opening up to you, as you are willing to open up to her. I think with relationships, you should give it your all and if you don't have that in return, you should consider why you are in a hurtfull relationship where the other doesn't think you deserve to be with him/her. If the reasons for staying outweigh this type of neglect, then I think you need to find way to get to her.
Good luck with everything.

[jml1986]

She only treats you the way you allow her to treat you. You are not doing your kids any good if you do not take care of their dad. If I were you, I would not let her decide for me what is best for me Move on.

[maxlamenace]

Try to see this from the woman's perspective. She has tried to have a relationship and you have not let go of your anger.  Your resentment has creeped into the bedroom and affected any affection you have. You have a great chance in seeking help on your own. Congrats for that.  Why not seek it out as a couple?  The husband is usually the tough one to participate.  You sound willing. Talk to her--explain what you feel.  Own up to your lack of emotion. She is probably feeling that her body is nothing but flowers thrown out of a vase with no water.  If you show no response to her, she will think you could care less and that you want the rommate situation. You are afraid to not perform and you really don't care if she is not fulfilled. That is why she went to the outside.  
Start explaining! You'll see how she opens up. Good luck,

[whatisay]

Wow you are so wrong-
1. I have let go of my anger, after years of struggle and work on myself I did.  As I said the affiar she had is now only a part of our history it is notthing more.  Just as any experience I have had it is soemthing I can build form.

2. There is no resentment.  I indicated that I am making an effort to bring us closer.  

3.  I did bring her to my counselor with me-I don't see how having her laugh in my face a second time would be helpful.  

4.  My lack of emotion. Far from it.  My emotional intelligence is quite refined.  I am aware of my feelings, why I rspond certian ways and work hard every day to change those responses that are negative.  I demonstrate emotion and p[rovide it to her, becasue giving makes me feel good, even if it is not given back and in the hope that it one day will be given back.

5. I don't care if she is not fulfilled?  That means I care if she is fulfilled, with the double negative.  But lets be clear. I do care, that is why I am tryin to discover wyas to fulfill her.  When she had the affair she was not open enough to my emotions to understand how I needed sex to be.  It was her way or I was wrong.  I tried to meet her half way, I tried to open up to her.  But when she calls y ou a homosexual right in the middle of love making, it is very hard to keep an erection.  I don't think it dawned on her that she might get more sex if she stopped calling me names in the middle of ir.  I guess the guy she had the affir with liked that kind of degradation.  I did not.

So. Mr. Menace, I hope you got your jollies by posting this.

[Aloysia]

Wow...if I were in your shoes...I'm sorry but I would have been out the door a long time ago!! Reasons being she cheated for one and now your trying to forgive her for it and rekindle the relationship...well your the only one putting the effort in and not getting anything but a shrug in return...It's time to go! If she won't put any effort into the relationship then who's to say she won't cheat again....every man and woman needs that security feeling of being wanted and loved if she doesn't want it from you she will go elsewhere again...sorry to be so direct but you deserve much better! As for having a child with her...they know and see how their parents are and they usually follow their footsteps....so do you really want your child seeing this no love relationship?? Men like you are hard enough to find so go out there and find a woman who you deserve. Good luck!!

[snippets69]

IMO, this woman has a ton more issues with you than she's letting on to.  Whether real or imagined.

Calling you homosexual etc.. That's abuse, and I think she probably has some serious issues inside her own head to deal with.

Some people just aren't compatible sexually.  Sounds like maybe she's a bit adventurous and "naughty" and you're more conservative.  That's just the sense I get from what you wrote.  I could be wrong.

I'm wondering what the thing she wanted but isn't your favorite.  Sounds freaky.

Honestly, I want to say you should feel lucky to have a woman like this as opposed to one where the issue is that YOU'RE not getting enough sex....Which is usually the case.

But if she's not working on making the relationship better, you may need to look at whether you're still there just because it's comfortable.  You sound like a genuinely good dude.  Find yourself a woman worth your while.

[whatisay]

Update:

My wife and I got into an argument the other night- she was yelling alot- I can't stand the yelling she yells at the kids (the oldest mostly as he is very difficult)  when she Yells I try to help difusse the situation, I will get angry and out of that I yell and it snowballs.  That night I made a decision to just leave the hosue maybe for a few days just to re-group- and maybe to let her know I am serious.  I stayed at a hotel.  She was angry that I did that it disrupted her situation-

When we got it out on the table, the above comments and this now relate to her decison to just live with me- she has said this before, but I alwasy thought that if i worked to improve our sex life and how I communicate with ehr we could make things better- not miricle stuff, but improvements.  Just a tiny step in the right direction would be great.

Well she says that she has NO desire to work on that at all.  She said if I sit on the couch she wants me to move- she has no interest in me at all- well that might be over stated.  She has some interest- she wants me to be a good father to our kids, contribute to the household the superfical things,  but the deeper things are off the table.  When I asked her abbout sex( and for you people who need the details it was oral sex I gave her and that is not always my go to move- but when she needs it and gets me going I am fine with it- not like her mouth has been anywhere south of my shoulders) but that is another story-

I tell her that the reason I am working on me is that I hoped my improvement coud help.  I knew this relatinship was hard for her and tht I had a lot to do with that.  I was tryign to get her things she beleifves she gave up  Kind of the its never too late- well she says it is too late-

So I think my options are 1) leave  2) stay just suck it up 3) stay, but set my own rules on what I need and how I get it-if I need sex- I get it where efver I can- if I need comfort I get it where I can, I don't look to her for any of that(just like you don't with a roomate, but we work together as roomates on other things