Could this be Borderline Personality?

[something_in_the_way]

I am 15 years old. My parents divorced when I was around 9, my father marrying my mother's best friend, leaving me very confused as to who's side I should be on. I do not have a history of abuse. However, for the past few years my father has negelected me, treating me with disrespect and constantly giving me the cold shoulder. I have very little idea of who I am to the point where I become anxious and depressed. I have a lack of identity. I experience difficulty planning my future, due to my constant changing values, personality, goals, and sense of self identitiy. I experience bouts of anger, depression, or anxiety that last from several minutes to hours, daily. My attitudes towards my friends and family suddenly shift from great admiration to intense hatefulness, which sometimes can be caused by a little thing such as the other person saying something that doesn't fit my current constantly changing view on a topic. I experience extreme black and white thinking, something either is or isn't, everything must be categorized this way or it will not make sense. My anger is very inappropriate at times and is uncalled for, however my anger never becomes physically violent, I only get extremely irritable and yell hateful words. I am deliberately manipulative in a way that turns the attention of the person towards me, but not in a sexual way. I am deliberately difficult just to be different that others. I make up huge lies to make myself look better. I used to think I had special psychic powers. I am afraid of touching other people. I am afraid of being sincere and emotional infront of others. Since I was 13, I've had a fear of being pregnant. These episodes of anxiety last about 5-7 months, causing extreme depression, anger, anxiety. This fear may be rational if I've had sex in the past, however I have not. There is no possible way that I could be pregnant, and I know that, however I cannot believe it, even if the 3rd pregnancy test turned out to be negative. I fear being the "Virgin Mary." It gets to the point where I relate everything to this irrational fear, and I begin thinking that the dog can sense it, causing him to act the way he is currently acting. Sometimes, I burst into tears for no reason. Only for a few minutes, but then i stop, and it will be impossible for any more tears to come out as if my eyes have gone completely dry. Others have noticed my extreme obsessions with certain things that last a few months. These obsessions include people with red hair (I will stop at nothing to look like a natural redhead), certain people, and certain drugs. I change my room around every week because I become extremely uncomfortable with the arrangement it is in. When one of my friends decides to hang out with someone else, I am left feeling empty, lonely, abandoned, and angry at him or her. Before I do something I will run it by someone else to get their approval so that I am not going to feel insulted later. I act perfectly fine in school, but I have noticed this is a barrier to seem normal. As soon as I get home, I begin to feel my emotional cycles of anger, anxiety, and depression. I have a history of extreme drug use. For about 1 year I smoked marijuana daily. For a few months I got drunk daily, and then began to become obsessed with ecstasy. I did ecstasy for 5 months and then I stopped because the cost ran up to 150 dollars every two weeks. I now only smoke marijuana daily and sometimes take prozac given to me by a friend, but only the recommended dose. My parents do not know my pattern of thinking, I am too afraid to tell them, or that they will shrug it off just like every other problem I have ever had. I do not like to talk to people about this, because they may think I am stupid, or worse that I am over-reacting. I have done every possible online test for borderline personality disorder, and I am almost convinced that that is what it could be.

I was just wondering if someone could relate all of these things that I have described to some sort of a mental disorder, because I am almost certain that all this cannot be normal. I am emotionally drained, and I would appreciate the help.

[michele626]

I can in some sense. My son became a lot like you in your anger, wanting to think one way and becoming in the black and white thoughts. Yet more and more I can write. I found out that he was doing a lot of "E" as well as you.

Im thinking something can be wrong in the sense that this "e" was very damaging. I just dont know

Please confront your parents or verbal therapy. Your here for help, so thats a start. I wish I can get my son some help, but hes an adult

[susieq87]

It does sound like you have some "unfinished business" with your father.  You are too young to allow this to carry throughout your life.  Whether you talk to him or write a letter, get it out, let him know how it affected you.  You do need to know and believe it isn't about you that he did what he did, you couldn't do anything to change him or his decisions.  Don't own the responsibility.  If you need a therapist to talk to, it may help. When we are in emotional pain, we try to self medicate by drugs or drinking.  We hide from the pain.  Get it out in the open, grieve for what wasn't orcan'tbe, learn from it, move on.

[something_in_the_way]

thanks alot for that post, that made alot of sense, it was very emotional for me to read the truth like that. but i do think that my problems are bigger than the relationship i have with my dad.

[diemyn]

Oh, lord, you sound like me at that age. My father was abusing me though, alternately molesting and beating me. Talk about confusing. I think it's pretty interesting that you have a fear of being the virgin Mary. I've never heard anyone else express that. I experienced that very same thing. I'd have dreams about being pregnant, but having no male in the picture, and be freaked about it for weeks. I'd swear I could feel life inside of me. So you aren't alone there. Neither are you alone in thinking you have psychic abilities. I know I do and that kind of power isn't the best thing for a young mind, but it can't be ignored. Oh, school, that didn't last as a barrier for me. I was boring as could be at school and a wreck and a terror once I got home. I was violent, though. Good you aren't. I've learned a whole lot from being super/hyper aware of everything going on around me. Others might call it paranoia, but I've been right too many times to ignore it.Man, right down to hair color, this is creepy and awesome. Geez, I'm really going to have to apologize for this, but I don't feel well enough to go over all this right now. Please look at the other posts I've done as they have some vital information for you. It should help you to understand why you are feeling so overwhelmed with things and, well, it's a lot to chew, but I think you'll relate. I've never read a post that sounded so very much like me, specifically. If I didn't know better, I'd swear I was replying to myself. The exception would be that I did acid steadily and heavily instead of X. I've just always has this suspicion that it steals people's souls. Don't worry though, nothing can steal your soul. You are an asset to this time-space. I can feel it. Thank you for posting. Let me know what you think of my take on BPD and life in general.I'm so sorry I couldn't take the time to reiterate my views for you.

Love and light,
Diemyn

PS: are you living off of grass and the drippins from the ceiling? =]

[something_in_the_way]

Was your problem more severe than mine? I'm thinking it was because of your father. I am also convinced that theres life inside of me, I swear one time i felt it kicking and I felt its heart beat and everything. I had every symptom of pregnancy, but no real baby. I dont really feel psychic, its just sometimes I get this flash of something in my brain for a few minutes that really makes me believe that I have special abilities. I am usually depressed at home, and soemtimes I avoid contact with everyone. It takes alot for me to get out of the house, but once I do, I have fun. But my anxieties and depression and anger is still all in the back of my mind. I recently started up my use with drugs again, but other than that I do not harm myself in any way, which makes me think that my situation isnt severe enough to go to a pschyatrist to get evaluated. Things like the governemnt and society make me angry, anxious, and depressed because I think its so messed up and I know I cant do anything about it. Sometimes I do wish I would just die, as hard as that is to vocalize, but I wouldn't ever end my life myself. It's more of a wish for a fatal accident to happen to me.

Thanks alot for your reply!

PS: It;s okay to eat fish, cause they dont have any feelings

I love Nirvana, they are like my escape. It;s a shame Kurt Cobain couldnt continue his life.

[diemyn]

It's hard to say whether my problem was more severe. I was cutting myself on a regular basis, but not as self harm. I felt I had to just to see that I bled and that I was real. Here's how I've rationalized the pregnancy thing. Cuz I also had every symptom and would have sworn that I was with child, but never have been. It all starts with the idea of free will. I believe we have free will, but that no matter what we choose there is a series of events that lead to the same end or that follow the same path. Each of these different instances, these different lives, exist at the same time in diff dimensions, as a result of my making a choice differently somewhere back in time. I figure in another life, or another dimension, I became pregnant very young and that it was/is such an intense experience that it ripples throughout time and space where I pick up on it. This belief of mine that I can connect to every self comes in handy for a lot of seemingly psychic experiences. Like when I know what someone is about to say I just understand that I've tapped into the mind and spirit of my future self. Does that make sense?
I used to be very angry and paranoid about the government myself. Have you heard of Jordan Maxwell or David Icke? They give a person plenty of reasons to hate the government. Just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you. You're so lucky to live in an age where you can access so much truth via the web. After I watched a few of their videos, I understood why I had all that hatred in me, but I only first saw them a year ago. I spent my teen years loathing everyone and everything around me for being so very stupid. I was the same way about getting out and doing stuff. I really didn't want to do anything, ever, but I'd have a good time when I finally did. As long I was doing exactly what I wanted. It's rare that I got to, though. My mom watched me like a hawk.
As far as drug use goes, I've never seen a problem with expanding ones view of life. I think that as long as you aren't seeking it for an escape, you're fine. The way i figure it, the only way to escape from this reality is to die. Drugs are like taking reality and looking at it from a diff angle, so you can really see what's going on. I've really only had experiences with pot, acid, salvia and shrooms, though. And I thoroughly researched every drug I tried before, long before, trying it.
I know how you feel. I'd never take my own life(though I'd threaten to plenty) simply because I view that as the easy way out and I'm no puss. But, I've been walking hand in hand with death all my life. Just wishing it'd take me. In car accidents and freak accidents and it was all the time for many years. I'd also visualize hurting myself all the time. Oh, one thing that got very scary was I'd be in the car and just have to resist opening the door and falling out on the highway.
Life is hard even when it isn't marked by tragedy. Me, I look at the whole of humanity as a tragedy sometimes. And, really they are. What you have to come to terms with is that everything is right on schedule and always has been. What you can do is trust that. Know in your heart that everything will be okay. Don't pay attention to the things you hate, cuz then they do have the power to make you feel helpless and hopeless. Instead, focus on the good in life. Find it wherever you can. It may be hard for you to imagine it, but you chose to be here right now, experiencing everything you've experienced so far and all that the future holds. If you can believe that then try to understand that you are already choosing life, even when you think you want to die. You aren't acting on that feeling, so your sub-conscious is at work, keeping you here. If you really wanted to die, you would, because our heart's intent manifests in this reality whether we are aware of it or not. The only thing you really have power over in this life is yourself. You control how you feel about any given situation. You can improve your situation by choosing to look at it another way and to know that it's all for a purpose. There is no such thing as a coincidence. I always thought I was insane and  that my ideas about the universe and myself were crazy. When I saw Ian Lungold's Mayan Calendar presentation(it's on google video) I could no longer fool myself into thinking something was wrong with me. Something is, and always has been, very right with me. If I'd have stumbled across that confirmation earlier though, I wouldn't be who I am or had the experiences I did. So, even though I'm going to suggest you see it I want you to decide for yourself whether you want to be enlightened or not. Really, sit with yourself and ask yourself if you are ready for the answers right now. Seeing so many similarities betwixt us, I have a hope that just by contacting you the probability of your life mirroring my own even further is lessened and that you will be spared the harsh lessons I ,myself, learned. Sometimes you really do have to do things the hard way, but not always.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on the Mayan Calendar if you do watch it, whether it resonated as truth to you or sounded like a bunch of bull. I actually read that book he holds up at the start of the talk when I was 15. If anything I've said was unclear and you'd like further explanation, please ask. Ask me anything. I'm an open book. I'm happy to help any way that I can. You are gonna be just fine, so don't worry, okay? Take care. =]

Love and Light,
Diemyn

PS: Nirvana is awesome! I don't know how I'd have made it without them. Kurt Cobain lives forever in the souls of the people he touched with his music. It's better to burn out bright than fade away, after all. He did what he came here to do, then left. I respect that. Wish I knew what I was here for.....

[something_in_the_way]

"Oh, one thing that got very scary was I'd be in the car and just have to resist opening the door and falling out on the highway."

That is soo weird, I have this exact same feeling. I always lock the door so even if i do pull on the handle, the door won't open.

[diemyn]

Do you have vivid recurring dreams or dreams where you are choosing to die? I dream vividly, but not lucidly. I dream about flying often. Do people think you're sad or angry when you aren't? I get that a lot. And it's rare that anyone can follow my train of thought. Part of what people would call my psychic ability is being able to say that word that or phrase that they were thinking, but not saying. The feeling is exactly like tuning into a frequency, only the frequency is another person's mind. At times those connections break and it seems like another connection will never come along. When loneliness becomes a tangible aspect of reality. I tend to envision a moth-eaten soul or a sucking black hole of positive energy. I guess the reason for that last is also becuz people around me don't like to spend much time with me. Just being near me makes then depressed or even crazy. I guess that just means that I pull whoever is around me into whatever vibrational intensity I am in. Honestly, most of my life that's been low. I have been seething with hatred for the whole human race, myself included.  My parents became increasingly insane as I got older. My brother's life has mirrored my own eerily and he's currently lost, himself. Almost every person I meet really dislikes me and distrusts me just as much as I do them. I've always stated that I hate everyone equally and treated people like expendable puppets to manipulate to entertain myself. All of my life the world has been reflection of my mind and I feel like I'm very powerful an infinitely better than every other person on the earth. I think I am powerful and intelligent. I raise people up or bring them down, and eventually enlighten them, either way we go. I've always really understood the "misery loves company" saying and I get what I want. Now that I've come to understand love I'm raising the mood, health, and consciousness of people around me. All I do is expect it. If you have this ability, then you can manifest your hearts desire and live exactly the life you intended to, doing what you want, finding your bliss. It works big and small and can be used for "good" or "evil." I had to hit bottom a few times to really internalize the message, "it can only get better." I promise you that it will get better. I don't know if you'd be interested in messaging me personally. I just don't encounter people who have similar experiences to my own and the possibility of connecting to another person excites me, really.

Love and Light,
Diemyn