Daughter Exaggerates About Me Hurting Her

[pinkkpanther]

I have a seven year old daughter that has ADHD.  I was spanked as a chid growing up.  I was a very difficult child and was sexually abused by a step father for around a year or so, so I acted out.   I didn't tell anyone until a got older and moved out on my own with my own child.  I recently found out that both my daughter and myself have ADHD, which was no surprise to me.  It explains alot about how I behaved when I was a child - when my mother went to spank me  (which was definetly deserved because of my smart mouth), with a belt I woul fight her back.  I had the mentality that NOONE was going to hit me with being hit back.  I struggled with deciding whether to spank my child or not and the first few years of her life, I didn't spank her.  As she got older, because of her smart mouth, disobedience and disrespect - I decided spanking her was not out of the question.  I threatend to spank her alot because nothing else works and alot of times I don't act on it, but she has caught on to that and mouths off that i'm not going to spank her, so I have to follow through with my threat.  I spank her with either my hand or a belt and she gets and occasional slight slap ( I can't bring myself to slap her hard, tapping her face hurts her enough emotionally.)  Alot of times, avoiding slapping her, I grab her arm and pulling her towards me and tell her to act like she has some since or and stop be disrespectful.  The other day we were act the doctor's office and she told the doctor that I always hurt her.  I opened my mouth and rolled my eyes and glanced nervously at the doctor but did not interrupt her.  I was not too shocked that she would say something like that because she says it all the time to my mother and her father (who I am not with and lives an hour and a half away.  They both do not believe her and tell her that she has a good mother who loves her and not to say stuff like that.  She is a very smart and child, and when she has an audience will act up and act out in public because she knows that I will not spank or yell at her in public.  I honestly feel like I don't spank her enough but I am worried that the things that she says will bring Child Protective Services to my door.  Expecially since hospitals have to report it if they suspect a child is being abused.  Is this normal in children with ADD/ADHD?  Or am I really a bad mother and abusing my child???

[kissfangurl]

I would do the same thing, my younger sister is 14 and says horrible things to my mother. She always acted this way and no one stopped her i think a good slap in the face would do my sister good. I think a child whos that ignorant to adults should be hit and punished until they stop that behavior.

[sociostudent]

"I think a child whos that ignorant to adults should be hit and punished until they stop that behavior."

I think this statement is incorrect. The thing that separates a normal child from a child with ADHD is that they either:
1. Have unclear reasons why they are being punished (their minds have moved on to something else so they don't know why you're hitting them in the first place, and they don't know how they're being disrespectful). The proper way to handle this is to make sure you make eye contact with them and thoroughly explain what exactly they did and make the punishment fit the crime (don't hit or slap for everything ; if they mouth off, it's time-out, if they act aggressively, it's a spanking). NEVER hit a child with an object besides your hand, and NEVER hit or slap a child out of aggressive anger (calm down for about 10 seconds, think about what is appropriate punishment, explain to the child what they did and why they are being punished, carry out the punishment, then hug the child and tell them that you love them and that it was their behavior that was bad, not them) . Not only can aggressive physical punishment with an object really hurt the child (it's easy to get out of hand), it's considered abuse in many states.
2. Another reason why physical punishment doesn't work in ADHD is their innate predisposition to "fight back" as a defense mechanism. There is an altered "fight-or-flight" response in many children with ADHD, with them reacting in a defensive and/or aggressive manner rather than fear or acceptance of the punishment.

[hopefulmommy2007]

Both my girls are ADHD and the youngest is combined with ODD (opositional Defiant Disorder), and getting into power struggles just makes things worse. I would suggest putting your daughter in counseling and you taking a parenting class on how to parent differently to find other methods of avoiding power struggles and making things worse. When I threaten to spank it simply makes the whole argument worse. Give your daughter choices that you agree with and let her chose from a couple things. Dont let her control the situation. You need to get back in control verbally. I have been in the same boat as you as far as the spanking goes. I know exactly how you feel with the whole situation. YOu would be really surprised at how much difference it makes to try other options as a parent and change your parenting skills rather than simply change your childs behavior. Once you start somewhere, it makes a huge difference in the way she will react. If you want more detail feel free to message me and I will answer any questions and help any way I can. If you give me a specific instance I can tell you what I would do with my daughter now in that same situation. Just remember, I am not trying to tell you how to raise your daughter, but it helps to have support from someone that has delt with the same problems. I tried it my way for years and finally decided to make some changes, and it started with putting her in counseling, then my fiance and I decided to take this parenting class we are in, in addition to see if it can help, and so far it does. Ask away, I am here every day during the week and sometimes on weekends too. I will be happy to help any way I can.

[sunnylee]

I think it is normal.  I had my then 6 yo son at the Dr for a checkup and the Dr asked if mom spanked him.  He said all the time.  I did the same thing...mouth dropped open.  The Dr put up a finger at me signalling me to hang on.  After the conversation was over, he told me it is not unusual for ADHD children to overexaggerate.  They have a hard time with a sense of time and place and this ties into it.  Hang in there.

[gemstone89]

My sister has ADD and so does my mum, the best way I have seen my mum manage this kind of situation is be be firm, have boundaries and explain the consequences of their actions and stick to it,  Mum will always praise my sister and focus on what she is doing well, kids with ADD get really frustrated and will always argue back.

[cjs1231]

i have the same problem with my seven year old daughter, i thought i was the only one its so embarassing and i told her dr about it and she wasent surprised it goes with adhd and odd , the only big problem i have is she lies to my parents about that stuff and they believe her and encourage it, im not sure what to do either but we have an appointment at childrens hospital if i can find out what to do i will write back good luck take care

[RockRose]

GRACIOUS you people use a lot of words to commincate simple ideas.

[hopefulmommy2007]

It makes me feel more comfortable that I wont be misunderstood in what I am saying and what point I am trying to get across.