Step-son problems

[Kymberlij0529]

I have a 6 year old step-son, he lives with us M-F and with mom F evening-M morning.  My main issues are his lying, pants wetting, and general bad behavior.  Also, because dad works a lot and I'm the main caretaker, I see a lot of things that worry me.  The problem with dad is that he doesn't do anything about anything.  He is a wonderful father but I think he has a bad guilt complex because he sees the problems SS has and somehow blames himself.  I feel like I'm constantly tattling on SS though.  I have a 5 year old from a previous relationship, this is going to sound brag-y but isn't intended that way, who doesn't have the behavior/school problems SS does.  So, I just feel bad when telling dad about their day and don't have a lot of positive feedback about SS.  On top of that, as I said, dad doesn't punish the bad behavior or talk to him.  I feel like I'm in a catch 22.  There's only so much I can do not being mom but I'm the one who has to deal with bad behavior.  Any suggestions?  I'm at my wits end.

[natashalo8]

You came into this relationship knowing he had a son. Were these issues not there in the beginning? Instead of you being so negative maybe you could try to look at the positives and reinforce that. And what do you call "bad" behavior?

Look at it this way, you are a stranger to him. You are not his mother, nor his father. His father has married you and now "forced" you into this little boys life. Look at it from his perspective. You are the unknown. I once read that at whatever age you come into a child's life, it takes that same amount of time before that child can see you as a disciplinary figure..or parental figure. SO say you entered this boys life at age 4...he's not going to see you as a parental figure until he's about 8 or 9 years old. As a step parents you have NO right whatsoever to discipline him. That is mother and father's job. If father refuses to recognize there's a problem then maybe you should let father attend to his child's needs instead of you.

I'm not trying to say you are a bad person whatsoever. I just think you should try looking at the situation in different perspectives. I have a 3 yr old stepdaughter whom I absolutely adore. But i know my limits, i know what i can and cannot do and i don't try to force myself on any issue that i may disagree on with mom or dad. It's not my place to say b/c I am NOT her mother...no matter how much I take care of her or the amount of love that I have for her...she is not mine.

There's only so much you can do and then the rest is up to his parents. I really hope this situation gets better. NOt only for you, but for your SS as well.

[jml1986]

I agree with the other poster. You should not be disciplining this child. That should be done by his father. Nor should you be this child sole caretaker while your husband works all the time. If your husband can not share the care of the child then he needs to arrange some child care for the child at least part of the time while he is at work. By giving only negative reports to your husband about your stepson, it will make it even harder for these behaviors to change.