Heart broken

[Sagine]

There is this guy that I have fallen very head over heels over...we'll call him Aaron. Aaron is a friend of mine from another online community. I met my husband online, and that didn't work out at all, so I have been very wary of meeting people online. But his personality was so smart and funny that I immediately started liking him.
About a month ago we started interacting with each other outside of the online community by email. Like I said, he's very smart, and makes me laugh, and he even admitted that he had a crush on me. I was so elated. I told him that I liked him too. It was very high school-ish. lol. But for the past two weeks he has been all I've been thinking about. Even when I tried to concentrate on something else, I always came back to Aaron. The world just seemed so much brighter.
Well tonight I finally caught him while was online and we were talking via messenger. I was so freaking happy I was actually talking to him and not waiting and waiting for his next email. We were having a nice conversation when he mentioned a girl we both knew from the online community, how he thought she was nice and sweet, and I felt understandably confused. I said "So you like my cousin? (because I call her my cousin, and another girl, Tricia, I call my sister)" "He said he wouldn't try to go for her, but he did think that Tricia is "something else." Tricia is a smart girl for such a young age. I told him "Yeah, she's an old soul." and he said, "Yep, that's how I roll. But she's way too young." At this point I just felt so crushed. I told him that I had to get going and to have a good weekend.

You guys, I have never felt so monumentally foolish in all my life. I've never really dated anyone...I got married at 19 and at 22, me and my husband are getting separated. I told Aaron that we are living apart but I'm actually moving out in a month. I just didnt' want to scare him off. But the point is I felt so sorrowful. I had so much happiness because of Aaron. We would talk and exchange thoughts like old friend, and the first time I get to talk to him outside of email, he's talking about other women. I would honestly check my inbox ten times a day hoping to hear from him, even wrote a poem about the guy. I can't sleep at all. I just lay in my bed and silently cried. Then I went and sat in the shower for an hour, now here I am at 2:20 in the morning typing this out because I still can't sleep. I don't even want to get up to go to work tomorrow.

This is so painful. I think he is staying away from me because I am still married. I want to write to him and ask him what went wrong, but then again I don't want to write to him because I know I'll sound like an emotional wreck (Actually I AM an emotional wreck. I just don't want him to know that). I was hinging all my happiness on him but now I am back to being sad and destitute. Why does this hurt so freaking bad? I know this all sounds very girlish but I guess it's evidence of how much growing up I have to do. Thanks for reading. :-(

[gentle51]

Hey sweatheart the desire to be loved is what all humans really want. The cycle you explain fits right into the "to be loved" cycle. In my experience of being separated and divorced from my first husband of 17 years was I needed time to heal from that experience. Your emotions right now are all over the map. When I was separated I found female friends to share my thoughts and feelings with. I see a caution light blinking at you and a red light approaching as I read through your post.. Please for your physical and mental state of being be careful. Seeking out female friends is a much safer road at this time.

PEACE

[JSGeare]

If memory serves, you also issued a post on April 1st in which you described a pretty bad situation, putting it like this:

"I have been through a lot in my marriage and my family, to the point where I just don't feel myself anymore. I won't go into too much detail about that but my whole family has been a mess ever since my dad divorced my mom three years ago. And my marriage is falling apart."

and this:

"I really feel like I'm losing my mind and I don't know how to regain control of myself. I've been extremely forgetful...no motivation to do house chores or anything, always feeling anxious and angry. I've been depressed for many years...It has progressively gotten worse these days."

And NOW we learn about the very hopeful sounding internet connection -amazing how a little love can change everythying, isn't it? But then, that got wobbly when he started to talk about other women. I can't say -nobody can say- whether such behavior is truly a threat because none of us know Aaron's history or the context in which his remarks were made.

But what you DO know -and now know very well- is something about your own temperament. Judging from your other posts, it appears that you have so much going on emotionally and psychologically it is sort of difficult to know where to start with any of it and you therefore sense yourself as heading toward a meltdown.

I'm going to suggest that a very good place to start is with THERAPY in the company of a psychiatrist who treats anxiety related disorders. In general, if nothing else, you might benefit from sorting out things into "can do something about," and "can't do anything about." This is sort of like going through a garage full of old "stuff." Step 1 is SEPARATION into piles by broad category of "can-do" and "can't do," then step 2 is sub-diving the can-do's into priorities or the methods you will use to take care of the problem. So, the old bicycle with a broken seat and a flat tire -that goes into "can do" because the repairs seem pretty straightforward and the results will be like a new bike. But it gets a low priority because there are more important things. Anyway, this process I'll call CLASSIFICATION. Separate and CLASSIFY.

I promise you I'm not stealing this from an old copy of Good Housekeeping. I had to do it myself while I was in therapy. I can pretty well guarantee you that merely doing the separation and classification will make you feel better, because you will have begun to take charge and understand what the challenges and problems are. YOU are the one deciding which piles things go into. By the way, its OK to have an "I dunno" pile. You can come back to that one. While you are doing this, you will notice that some problems are hidden by others, and some things that seem to be working really are not. That bicycle, for example, you discovered after you dragged the smelly old inflatable baby pool (which still had water in its folds) away from the pile. My-oh-my I had forgotten all about that old bicycle!  And those metal shelves you assembled and put against the wall? Turns out they really weren't holding up the paint cans at all. They were simply kept in place by the weight of the porch furniture and beach umbrellas leaning against them. When you pulled away the chairs and umbrellas, the shelves started to sag under the weight of the paint -which was all gummy anyway. Lesson: something that seemed to be working really wasn't.

All of this exploration through your "stuff," be it old radios or old behavioral choices and emotional events, will start to reveal some history -you'll learn, or remember, how it all got to be that way. And you may also find some things you had no idea about '"Who put THAT there?!"

And so, I hold out to you that the separation and classification process will yield enormous benefit simply in being able to think -and think rationally- about your situation. Where do you start? It doesn't matter. Start anywhere. Maybe with the Aaron thing, simply because it is very recent and "up-front" in your mentality. Aaron is taking up a lot of space right now, emotionally, but with everything else that is going on, what priority should he have? Is he a "can do" or a "can't do?" Well, you can't make him anything other than what he is, and you really have only just begun to know anything about him. So maybe Aaron (it could be anybody) is sort of like the "Kitchen Magician" appliance you bought over the TV -you know, the one that's still in the box in the garage next to the fishing rods. You took it out when it arrived, looked at it, consulted the instructions briefly and had a few happy fanatasies about having friends over to enjoy instant tiny torts and healthful cucumber-radish juice cocktails -just like those folks pictured on the box. But then you realized you had to go buy the ingredients and the recipe procdure did look a bit complicated -so you put it back in the garage until later. Could it be important and rewarding? Of COURSE it could be. But there's that smelly old baby pool collapsed in a fetid puddle over there, too. THAT probably get's a higher priority.

But wait! (Just like the ad for Kicthen Magician said) "There's still more..." What you have just noticed is that once you get all the messes cleaned up and junk taken away, THEN you can return to Kitchen Magician, Fantasy Seamstress, Do-ALL electric screwdriver with life-time batteries and "Martinis and Whppied Cream Amazing 30 Day Diet Plan Cards" because everything else is out of the wway, or at least properly categorized and stored.

You're following me, right? Do not take from this that I'm wagging my finger at you about cruising the 'net for friendship, understanding, companionship and a set of instructions for Kitchen Magician (they're under the baby pool). I would guess that SOMEBODY might wag their finger and start giving you a lecture and you may even do that yourself, but the truth is that you did what you did (and we all do what we do) because we are trying to find what we need. The point is coming to grips with WHY. I hold out to you that in time, you may conclude (and I do NOW say) that is it were not Aaron, it would be someone. And once you find someone -ANYone, please Lord- who pushes enough of the right buttons, YOUR BRAIN fills in the rest, imposing on that person all the things you wish for. The proof of this is that you became very connected emotionally with very litttle actual data and direct experience. Sagine, this is NOT pathological -it is what people do. By the same token, people don't order Kitchen Magician because they have some metaphysical connection with the kingdom of cucumbers and radishes -they order it because they think it will make them happy. The Internet -and any other "right now" kind of communication which is both direct and hidden from the view of others- allows us to attempt to fulfull needs which previously did not get met -or were handled in other ways. If I'm dying of thirst, you bet I'll sip the first thing that looks like water. You have done what yoou have done, for reasons. Good reasons.

[JSGeare]

Contined from "...reasons. Good reasons." above.

The problem comes in when the doing of ANYTHING carries a priority that is out of step with EVERYTHING ELSE. And the motivation to ignore the priorities and grab what we think we need can become compelling when everything else is way messed up. We not only see what we want, but we see (or hoep we see) a way OUT. But of course, as you have noticed, the moment we make the leap, we may actually complicate everything; it not only doesn't work -it also messes up the mess we already have. Arghh (makes me talk like a pirate).

As a matter of fact, I could argue (and I will argue) that the Aaron enounter actually has had some very affirming and happy consequences. You have learned, for example, that you are probably still regarded as attractive and desirable to someone who is attractive and desirable to you. That's good news. And you have also learned that you are capable of those high-school, adolescent, transcendent feelings of gigginess, love, desire, happiness and all those other things that make me tickle the back of my throat with my finger. And that's not even speculative -it HAPPENED. That's good news -about YOU! And while we are here, I have no idea of your age, but I can tell you that receiving my copy of AARP Magazine is a big deal in my life, which gives you some idea of MY age (and you could also check my profile). And I can tell you that if feeling like a kid WHEN you actually were a kid was good, thyen feeling like one when you are an adult is REALLY powerful stuff -we get better at this.

And what this all means to you is: if you can take care of that mess in the garage BEFORE you take on new relationships, then you will will be able to commit yourself more fully to the endeavor -and you will be much better at it.

I've reduced all this down to a silly comparison with a messy garage and if there really is such a thing as a "Kitchen Magician" (It was "Vegematic," in my day -I couldn't make that up) I apologise to whomever made, sold or purchased one. (Along with the Ginzu knives). Turth is, this is serious business, which is why you go get a hired gun to help you through it -the shrink. It is hard work and it will be life-changing work. Your feelings on anxiety and emotional outbursts are strong indicators that it is work which must be started -and soon. Use whatever part of the messy garage comparison works for you -and leave the rest behind, maybe in the recycle bin. I'm simply trying to tell you that everything you have written about is connected, and you need to figure out the connections; SEPARATE, CLASSIFY, set priorities. What I'm begging you to do is understand that right now, there is no greater and more necessary task before you -not Aaron, not me, not your husband, not NOTHIN'!  YOU, Sagine, are priority ONE. If you forget that, just come back to the forum and we'll remind you.

Unquestionably, you have the mental muscle to do this work -your intelligence and articulate expression tell the story. And in your telling of the story here, countless others who share your dilemma will benefit as well.

OK, ready to go to the garage? We'll need a pencil and paper... let's go!

[Raine9]

Ditto to everything JSGeare wrote.

Sorry you're feeling so bad.  You WILL get over it.  If something was causing me so much emotional pain, I would just cut off all ties COMPLETELY.  Life is too short, I wouldn't waste another second worrying about it.  I know that it's hard for you to do that because you are in the midst of it all.  

Since you haven't given us the details about "Aaron", we are only left to speculate and that's okay.  It's very hard to get to know a person online.  Thoughts in written form can be so easily misinterpreted.  I am a firmly believer that it's impossible to TRULY know a person without face to face, verbal communication.  That's so obvious, I know.  The point I'm making is that maybe this "Aaron" is not what you think he is.  Maybe he is the complete opposite of the impression he gave you via online and via e-mail.  So, maybe you just fell for this "impression" and NOT really attracted to him.  You are at a difficult time in your life and maybe you're just looking for an escape.  At any rate, he doesn't sound like he's genuine if he tells you he has a crush on you and then tells you that he likes someone else.  It's not your fault AT ALL.  HE is the one with issues.  My advice would be to cut off all ties, stay away from the Internet and work on making yourself happy but that's just my advice.  

I truly hope you feel better very soon. Remember, time heals all wounds...        

[Sagine]

You guys, thank you so much. I really needed to hear all of this. gentle51, you are right. My emotions really are "Your emotions right now are all over the map." I have heard someone suggest to me before to getr a group of women who I admire and feel comfortable with. I pushed the suggestion to the back of my head...I'm somewhat sociophopic, but I know I really need to get out again. I've been living my life in the internet.
JSGear, i am so touched that you would take time to write all that to me! Your garage analogy made so much sense. And  I love the kitchen magician analogy. lol. You are very right. I  need to get to therapy and stop putting it off. I know that i am in no state to be seeking love right now. I just need to get help.
Raine, yes, I need to get off the dang internet. I really do. I've spent at least five hours a day on it almost every day for years because I've never been able to deal with life outside of it. Cutting off ties with aaron seems difficult, but maybe it's in order. Honestly I don't know enough about his character to know whether he was being a jerk, being clueless or trying to make me jealous. But now's not the right time to deal with all those question...need to take care of the nasty baby pool first. :-)

Thanks again for not yelling at me you guys. lol. Take care and God bless.

[JSGeare]

Don't get me wrong. On the seeking love thing, bear in mind that seeking love is what we all do. Not doing so is not an option, for most of us, anyway. Seeking isn't the problem. FINDING is the problem. And cleaning out that old garage will help you do just that! You go, girl.

[Sagine]

Thanks a lot. You're right, we are just naturally driven to seek companionship.
Aaron mentioned in his last email that he has a girlfriend....oy. Now I feel really dumb. I guess the crush he has on me isn't a serious one. No wonder he felt comfy talking about the other girls to me. This sucks...I don't feel as bad as last time but still. :-(

[kcdem]

Wow JSGeare, great advice and computer skills. sagine i have your problem, the same if i dont have someone of the opposite sex i dont exist problem. you are young, seek therapy as jsgeare says NOW. i and my wife of 8 yrs are going through tough times, we had a breakthrough though last night at 5am, aa meeting, posting here, and a long long revealing talk with my wifeand i am better than i have been in awhile, if she would have left...??????????

the truth though i still have the problem and fear i allways will, it is the main cause of my depression and anxiety. sagine your fear of not existing without a mate is maybe the root of yours.

it is fear of abandonment and being alone for me. i know that i can only get wholeness from within myself, but cant live that. i also  know men and women seeking a companion is natural if done in a normal ( whatever that is) way. why do you think the radio, and television, film and most likely caveman paintings are filled with the broken heart please come back blah blah..theme?

aaron as you now know is not the one to pin your hopes and dreams on. get yourself straight take time, dont even think about a relationship for a long time. when you love yourself you will find the right person, i have NO doubt.....kcdem