BPD or Bipolar....or both???

[Jen813]

I know that I've been correctly diagnosed about the bipolar disorder, but I seem to have every one of the 'symptoms' of BPD.  I feel like I'm a classic example.  I get really clingy to people really fast and then I get paranoid that they will leave, even if there is nothing wrong with the relationship.  I'm always making up these extravagant things to tell friends just so they will be interested and stick around (now please don't get me wrong!!!  I don't go around lying all of the time).  I tell people way too personal things at the beginning of a relationship because I feel like I am super close to them after having talked to them for 5 minutes. If I have plans with someone and they go wrong or they get cancelled I immediatly think that it's because I've done something wrong, and that's all I can think about.  Because of this I have horribly unstable relationships.  I am really compulsive as far as spending money is concerned (I spent over ten grand in 3 months). I always feel like I have to buy something or I don't feel right. At one point in time I was addicted to pain killers (thank goodness that has come to a halt!!).  Now I know this is related to depression, but I feel like I am 'nothing' all of the time, but especially when I don't have any friends to be around, or when I have burned every bridge there was and I don't have anyone around that I feel 'cares' about me.  And then, when I don't feel entirely empty I just feel like I am a horrible person all of the time.  I have changed my mind about what I want to do with my life about a million times (mostly because I don't have the drive), but for a better example, I have decided to go back to school in the Fall.  The idea came to me one night, that night I applied for Financial aid, and decided on a whim that I wanted to teach High School.  Two weeks later, still wanting to go back to school, another whim came to me and I wanted to go into speech pathology in the school instead.  I get angry for no reason at all...it will last for half a day or so and then disappear. The list could go on and on and on.....

I know that a lot of the above issues can be directly related to having bipolar disorder, I am just concerned that there are too many correlations with BPD to not at least check into it.  I know it's hard to pinpoint and even harder to treat.  I just feel like maybe a different course of counseling or even meds or anything might be beneficial.  I would hate to go through life not knowing and then find out later that some things were the way they were because I didn't address the issue.  Can anyone who has this disorder give me any information about additional symptoms, things I can talk to my p doc about, or even just tell me I'm over reacting. lol, I'm really good at that too!!!  Thanks!!

[diemyn]

Off hand I can think of these:

a tendency to view all people as potential lovers or promiscuity

a detachment from your surroundings or lack of emotional response

a habit of cutting or other method of physical self-harm

There is a specific type of therapy for BPD's, called DBT(dialectical behavioral therapy). You can ask your doctor to get you into the group. You can also seek a therapist whose specialty is borderline personality disorder. There are a couple of excellent books that I'd recommend you read if you're interested in learning about the symptoms and patterns of thinking of most people with BPD.
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Read my other posts for encouraging advice about what to do with the diagnosis.

Love and Light,
Diemyn

[Nikki1220]

You might want to check out this book, i was told it is very good. I HATE YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME.Understanding the Borderline Personality.By: Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D., & Hal Straus. According to authors Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an ailment that is hard to define. The signs of BPD are often accompanied by other symptoms and this makes it difficult to diagnose and treat. However, in I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, the authors supply information and guidance to help patients, families and therapists deal with this illness. Signs and Symptoms:
According to the authors, people with Borderline Personality Disorder may have weird mood changes that cause them to think they are losing their mind. The behavior is dramatic and emotional, and the person may show tremendous instability in interpersonal relationships and have a negative self-image. BPD may cause extreme mood shifts between deep depression and a manic state where they become very excited. The authors explain that other symptoms may include; identity confusion, a tendency toward self-destruction, eating disorders, drug abuse, an irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone, rapid mood swings, impulsive self-destructiveness and violent outbursts, and oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection. Hope this is a little helpful! Good Luck!

[Jen813]

Oh my, that sounds like my life in a nutshell!!  Thank you so much for you posts.  I am definetly going to check that book out.  I really appreciate it.

[Nikki1220]

No Problem,
    I am glad to have passed this information on to you. I personally was diag. by my 1st Dr. as Manic Depression because I was going through a divorce and had 2 kids and no money, then the next doc, said Bipolar, then the next Doc said Bipolar 1, Social Anxiety Disorder, then the final Doc stated that it may be Bipolar 1 and BPD, which is very similar in symptoms of Bipolar 1 too. So, I take a med called Lamictal and I love it. She also gave me Serequol but, I do not want to gain the weight that comes with that med, as I have heard. I have worked at getting down to my 125 and want to stay that way. Lamictal seems to work good for me but, I still struggle day to day with a lot of the symptoms that I passed on in info. to you above. So, good luck, let me know what you think of the book! I am here if you ever need to talk!

[Jen813]

You know, everday I look at this board I find myself find more and more people like myself....I am working on a divorce right now, I've got 2 beautiful babies and I have absolutely no money to find my way out of this marriage.  I have actually been on Lamictal (150mg/day) and my doctor suggested Serequol.  After doing some research on it I decided against it, but the Lamictal seems to be working okay...I'm just wondering if it's not working enough.  When I was at 125mg/day things seemed to be working out just great.  I jumped to 150 and things were okay for a while and then it seems like as my body got used to the med I just got worse...more angry, more emotional...My doctor seemed to think at the time that maybe the dose was too high, but instead decided that I should just stay on the 150 for a while and see if things adjust.  So far no luck.  I am not sure what the next step is, but I have a feeling a change in meds or a change in dosage might be in order.  Thanks again for all your help.  I really do appreciate it.

[Nikki1220]

Hi Jen, Sorry it took a while to get back to you. I do not get to check this board out as much as I would like. It sounds like we seem to have a lot in common. I actually have 2 wonderful kids too, and found myself in a marriage that I was unhappy with but did not realize it totally, until one day a once close friend, said to me, you really do not even know who Nikki is. And I took a far step back and thought about it and I didn't really know who Nikki was. I was my husbands wife, I was my children''s mother, I was my little sisters, sister. I was my father and mothers daughter, I was my old best friends , Best Friend, but who was Nikki? That is when it all happened for me. I was spending so much time covering my own life up and did not really have the time to even realize, I had major problems. It all started about 10 months before my husband and I did seperate. I saw a photo of myself that was taken at my sons 4th birthday and  by gosh, I was shocked to see me. I was like, "OH MY GOSH" why did not anyone tell me I looked like this. I then realized I needed to work on me. I lost like 25 lbs and got down to my 125 and was starting to be happy, then that is when the moods set in. My husband and I seperated about 10 months later. I had 2 children , no money, no career, considering I was a stay at home mom for 8 years. I was starting all over. I was fortunate to have found a boyfriend and he was one of a kind. He really was the one who finacially took care of us. Though, if I knew then what I know now, about financial help, it would not had to have been that. But, the desperation of NO money does not help your self esteem, ecspecially when the lawyer helping me with my divorce was like 25 years old and here I was 30 years old. I felt so little and felt like I was nothing. That is when the moods really started. I went for about 2 years of docs telling me I just had major depression. But, here I was so up and down and got to the point where I actually avoided people in crowded places. If I drove by the convience store and there were too many cars, that meant there where too  many people, so I passed it by instead of stopping for the milk I needed and drove farther to the next one. I thought, wow, this major depression is horrible. The fact that I had such insecurity of myself and thought that I was nothing, and felt worthless and was always so afraid that my boyfriend totally hated me. I always thought he was looking for someone else. But, then I had my days where I was ok with myself, sort of. I knew deep down inside that I was a good person, but I really could not make myself believe that. Truely. Well, I was up and down and totally had fits at times when I was in situations of being alone and not to have someone, and I found myself feeling so desperate. I found myself, thinking I was nothing and really felt worthless. Then, I would get mad and have a rage of anger, then that would last about anywhere from 1 hour -3 hours depending on if that person mainly it was my boyfriend, would keep the rage argument going. Then all of a sudden, I would start to come down and start the crying and feeling worthless. So, struggling with bipolar and BPD is a horrible thing. The mood swings, the feeling of being no one, not really liking yourself all the time. Thinking that others think the same horrible things about you too. IT is a day to day struggle still. I went on Lamictal about 1 1/2 years ago, and then I started to feel really good. My doc said to take 100mg at my final dosage for the day. I then was on abilify too. But stopped, because the 2 meds together was making me sick and Sleepy. So, again I started feeling good about 6 months into the med. and I took the exam for the US postal service and received my passing grade in the mail, which made me feel so Awesome. I was on the roster, so, about 2 months later I was offered a position with the Post Office and a mail carrier and here I was with no career background , JUST MOM. I did not have any college. So, I was so  HAPPY, and I started to feel good about myself. So, I was thinking, my boyfriend always said half my problem was that I had nothing going for my self. So, I thought, well, I feel happy and better and know I have something going for myself, so I stopped taking the Lamictal. It did take a few months, But boy the moods started, I started feeling horrible about myself all the time, and it was starting all over again. I finally went back to the doc in Jan. bot back on Lamictal. This doc told me to take the 200mg a day as my final dosage, but I have not done that I found at the 100mg a day, I felt good. So, with your situation, I would say the dosage that you feel the best at, stick to it. I know the Serequol is suppsed to help tremendously with the BPD, paranoia of what others think of you and suppose to help too wtih the social interactions with others which all sounds so wonderful. But, I am so scared of gaining weight from it. I read that people have gained as much as 30lbs from taking it. I am 32 years old now and find that to keep between my 125 and 130 mark is work as it is, and can not stand to have the extra work of trying to prevent the extra weight coming from the Serequol. I would love to take it though. Because, I still struggle with the feelings of negativity of myself to this day. My boyfriend says I look in a circus mirror, because I can not stand to see myself in the mirror. I have much insecurity of myself inside and out. But, again,I am sorry, I am going on and on about me. Try so hard not to let the Money thing stop you from doing what your heart really feels. You will probably go down for a little while, but you soon will pick yourself right back up. And there are so  many agencies that are out there to offer help financially. I have found that I feel like I stayed in a relationship/marriage that really deep down inside I was unhappy, but was so scared of being alone. So there it is the book I told you about " I hate you , don't leave me". Listen, you are still so young. I was 28 years old when I left my husband, and it was NOT easy, and for 2 years he fought me with everything you could imagine. He thought money would bring me back, without money he thought I would run back to him, and on many occasions, I got to the point feeling, desperate and had mixed feelings, thinking should I? But, I did not, again I did have a boyfriend who did put a roof over my head, but I did without a lot of things that I was used to having too. But, they were only material, and here it is, now 4 years later and I am now once again having my own money and extra money to be able to treat myself at times again. But the difference is, i am doing it for me and not needing my husband to do it. Some men thrive on insecure women, and love the fact that they can use their insecurities for their benefit. I did not realize how much that was true with my own marriage until, i was out of it for a few years. That marriage was NOT good for my BPD at all, it probably made it worse. But, again you will struggle , I still struggle.  Anyway, Please feel free to write me, if you ever need to talk, or get some feelings off your chest, or just want to vent, cry, anything. It does make it a lot easier knowing that you are not alone. I have always felt like such a alien, like no one was like me or had my feelings for problems, but it is not true. There are probably more people like us or who have similar problems, feelings ect. than you can imagine. Listen, I have to go for now, I am about to pee myself. LOL:), talk to you soon! Nikki