I have trouble coming to terms with my boyfriend's sexual past...

[Clarissa82]

Dear All,

Hi, I would like some advice on the following and appreciate any comments you may have:

I'm in a serious committed relationship with my first boyfriend and I'm also his first girlfriend  (I'm 25 and he's 35). We have been together for nearly a year now and I feel very happy with him. I know he truly loves me and I also love him more than anything. I was raised in a very conservative environment, I'm a virgin, and do not consider full sex before marriage. Our intimate contact is limited to deep kissing, hugs, dry humping (clothes on), and although I have touched his penis a few times I don't let him touch me down there. I really love this guy and we are actually planning to get married next year. However, last month he told me that although he has not had sex in the last 10 years, he had 4 sexual partners in the past. Since then, I feel very uncomfortable about the whole situation and his revelation has deeply affected our relationship. I didn't expect him to be a virgin, but hearing from his own mouth about the "high performance sex" (as he put it) he had with other girls has really put me off.

I try to be objective, I understand that his past sexual experiences don't have anything to do with me as at that point in time he didn't even know I existed. We have very good communication and I have expressed all what I think and feel. But... nothing seems to help, I feel dirty everytime he touches and kisses me... and I can't help feeling bad about feeling like this. Yes, I know I'm being very silly. I also know it's unlikely I could find a virgin man my age, and even if I did, I really love my boyfriend and don't want anyone else... we couldn't be more compatible: we have the same career paths, tastes, dreams, beliefs, aspirations, plans...  I just wish I could forget his sexual past so that I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable... Everything was perfect until he told me....

He says it was just sex, not love. The girls were not his girlfriends, only sexual partners and he never had a relationship with them. He insists I'm the only one he has ever loved and I believe him. Even his mum has confirmed that I'm the only girlfriend he has ever had. But anyway, I feel that telling me about his sexual past was kind of a relationship killer... I feel so uneasy, upset, disappointed... it's a very weird feeling I hate and can't control.

He also feels terribly sad about this. Last week he told me he regretted telling me, but he had told me because he loves me and didn't want to hide anything from me. He says he wanted a completely honest relationship with no secrets, but if he had known I'd react like this he'd have kept his sexual past for himself. He cries and tells me there is nothing he can do now because it's done and he can't change the past... I totally understand, but I can't control the way I feel. It haunts me!

At first I thought it was a fear of STDs what made me react like this, but he went for STDs tests and I'm even getting Gardasil vaccines. But I feel the same... Then I thought it was that because of my conservative beliefs I could not separate sex from love, but I now understand it's possible to have emotionless sex (I have asked many male friends and relatives and they all tell me it's possible). Yet, nothing changes my feelings... Last week I told him it was better to separate for a while... and it was a nightmare, neither of us could take it. So, we are still in the relationship, but I feel bad... I try not to think of it, but I can't help it. I can't believe such a simple fact of life has affected me to this extent...

Some close friends tell me that I don't love him enough, as if I did I would accept him with all his past. I know I love him enough, but something in my mind blocks me and I struggle with it every day since he told me...  How can I overcome this? How can I come to terms with his sexual past? I don't want to end this relationship, as I couldn't love him more, but I don't want to hurt him either and I know I'm hurting him by behaving like this (he has cried alot over this). What are your thoughts?

Thanks

[jo929]

i have a problem undestanding why, you can not accept his past sex as you put it, most men are sexually ac tive at this age, unless they are monks.If you really love him marry him. forget his past sex, he is 35, if you give him up, someone else will be glad to get him, if he is as good, and kind person as you say he is.Lots of women are virgins, when they marry, but most men are not. I guess i really do not see what your problwm is. but if you feel so strongly, you will not make a good partener for him.. i also was a virgin, but when i got married, i asked no questionss, i simply fell in love so to speak,and never thought about his past sex life, but i did not go with him a year either, or this conversation might have been brought up, and as i said one does not expect a man to be a virgin  lots of luck   jo    

[RockRose]

Clarissa,  I'm also very conservative, I'm a STRONG believer in marriage before children,  etc.

But honestly,  I'd be kind of concerned about a man who got to the age of 35 and never had an "in love" relationship with a woman.  That would concern me a little.  You've dated him over a year and find him normal and caring and able to form relationships,  so okay,  maybe that concern might come off the table and I could stop wondering why he was such a late bloomer.

But let me tell you,  if I were dating a man who was 35 and had never had sex with a woman,  I'd be out the door.  People can blast me for that,  but I've heard way too many stories from nice christian girls who think they're marrying nice christian guys but in reality they end up with a man who is gay or has no sex drive or has some bizarre fetish that isn't fulfilled with normal sex with a grown woman.

Be careful for what you wish for - if you're looking for a man in his 30's whose a virgin,  you're going to not be happy with what you end up with.  

This guy sounds like a keeper,  all things considered.

[RockRose]

Oops I didn't finish.

I also think,  reading your post,  that his 4 past sexual partners a decade ago isn't what's bothering you.  I have a sense that you're picking this issue with him and something else is what's really wrong - but you are unable to admit what it is to yourself.

Maybe not,  I just have a strong sense that you want to put a wall up between the two of you (for your own emotional safety,  something) and you've picked this one to erect.  So to speak.

Best wishes.

[Jame0223]

I have been with my boyfriend/fiance for almost 3 years. We plan on getting married in the near future. I am not waiting until marriage, obviously since I have been pregnant before. But he has been with many girls, but only had sex with one girl before me. It was actually my best friend when they dated. Then she cheated on him and they broke up. I was in love with him from even before they were together ahaha. But anyways! I can't stand to think about him being with anyone else. It makes me sad to even think about him kissing other girls. I feel wierd sometimes too when we are having sex. But I push it out of my mind and think about how he chose me! How I am the one he wants, not any of the girls from his past. If he wanted them, he could have had them right? He wants me and only me. Thats all that matters. I understand how you can be disturbed by his past, but you need to think about his present and future. And thats going to be with you. And you only. You're the one he chose, and he chose you for a reason. You love each other. Anything from his past shouldn't change your mind. Youre going to be starting a future together. Thats all you should be thinking about. Good luck!

[txsilver]

First, I think it is awesome that the two of you have agreed to wait.  I can honestly say I would not have made that choice, but I support it.
Second, His past is just that, in the past.  What happened before he met you should have no bearing on your relationship with him.  It's the person he has become with whom you are involved and the person to whom you are attracted.  
Many of us make bad decisions as we go through life and come out better people for them.  Perhaps the man you love is partially a result of those previous encounters.
Any one you meet and love is going to have a past.  They may have exercised lapses in judgement in sexual relationships, morals, have had legal trouble or any number of transgressions.  Chances of meeting and falling in love with a saint are slim.
If you love him, then do so whole heartedly.  

[Clarissa82]

Thank you everyone for your insightful comments. I really appreciate all of them. We are going for couple therapy this coming Wednesday and I hope it helps, but I'm not sure. The more I talk to people about this the more I convience myself there is some truth in what RockRose says about my having other issues. I do have other issues indeed. However, this particular one has triggered great anxiety and distress in me. I have struggled with depression in the past and lately I have been under a lot of pressure in my academic and personal life (I have to finish my PhD proposal in one week, I'm living in a foreign country that couldn't be further from my home and all I have here is my bf (no family or friends, so I do feel very lonely), I have huge bills to pay, and I constantly wonder if I should just take the next plane back home). I guess my bf's revelation was just the last straw for me. To compound the problem, I have been thinking he is not the right one for me and this doesn't let me sleep and concentrate on my PhD proposal, so my supervisor is all mad at me and I face greater pressure to get the work done. Now I feel very insecure and uncertain about this relationship and my life as a whole, which I know is very unhealthy.  So yes, the problem may be me after all... but this past sex issue was certainly too distressing for me anyway.

Thanks.

[omanlover]

did you ever reread what you wrote?
she did not have the right! what if she get pignant by mistake!do you think it is good to lie to someone about the his father identities!

clarissa:
do not be  a game for such men! do you think they a ppreciate you! they make fun of you! ""THEY MIGHT CALL THE CHEAP GIRLL"" i do not think you will like to hear that yah! talk to your husband or  at less see a doctor if you really think it is a hormone issue!
hope you do the right thing!

[BearHitch]

I am going to answer from your boyfriend's position... My husband did not have a sexual past and I did, and he still has a hard time sometimes getting over that.  Unlike your boyfriend, I was completely in love with someone from my past.  It is okay to dislike that, but don't let it ruin your relationship or push you away.  He feels bad about it and like he said, there is nothing he can do about it except receive your forgiveness and acceptance.  My husband gets paranoid sometimes that I am comparing him to someone in my past sexually, and I never have.  

Also, I admire your desire to wait for marriage.  Too few people make that decision these days.

[ComputerGeek]

Not sure who you intended that comment for OmanLover - I haven't even posted to this thread until now!  LOL

Clarissa - I agree with BearHitch.  Don't push your boyfriend away because of his mistake of telling you this.  Plus, as you said, you are under a lot of stress right now with your schooling.

Wait until things calm down with your school.  Don't make any rash decisions now.

I do know where you are coming from - it was sort of the same with my wife and I.  But you will overcome your feelings eventually if you truly love this person and want to be with him.

[teko]

It is silly to hold someones actions against them when the actions happened prior to your meeting each other. I think you feel betrayed that his sexual past has taken something from your first night together, thinking it has lessened the meaning of it for you and him too. Look at it this way. If he had known you back then, he never would have had sex with those other women. Also, it would seem to rule out him being gay. I am with the others who said that I would be concerned about any man, the age of 35 that had not had sex. That would throw a red-flag to me, in the day and age we live in. He obviously has much respect for you and the relationship that you share. Most men would have moved on by now, or would have cheated in the interim. If this has not happened then wake up and realize that this man must truly love you. It may not be sex, but I am sure there is probably something in your past that you are not proud of. We all do. Forgive him his former sins and appreciate that it is a rare man these days, that would wait till the wedding night for sex. Tis the day we live in, unfortunately.

[Cosmogal]

First of all, is it more important that he gave his virginity away or that he saved his heart for you? Think about what is more important to you. Is it him or is it his past? Are you afraid of sex and are looking for a way out of this relationship? What were your expectations? Have you not enjoyed  your moments of closeness together? As far as I can tell he has chosen you to be his wife and no one else. Personally I am glad my husband wasn't a virgin. I just don't think of him being with anyone else. I definately would be glad he was truthful and honest. That shows you right there that he intends to remain that way with you. You need to get past this cause reality will hit you if he leaves you. Its not very fair to him to have to pay for past discretions when you were not even in the picture. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? I am sure you would feel devistated cause the one you love refuses to love you back unconditionally. Sometimes I think there is too much pressure (I know some won't agree) to stay a virgin. Its not easy to fall in love with someone that is. You don't go and fall in love with someone that usually is. Unfortuneately most men are not waiting. Had you had a sexual past this would all be pointless.

[ready2help]

1. I believe that you would benefit from seeing a therapist ALONE - going together is fine, sure, at some point, but I think it is important for you to work put some of your own stuff regardless - I sense there are some issues that may need unraveling and resolution.

2. I would be asking myself why this man has not had any serious relationships by the age of 35 - that is very unusual. It may mean nothing - but it also may be a red flag - worth