Please Advice

[lutorres]

About two years ago my 14 year old daughter, caught my husband and I having intercourse. She came to our bedroom  and it was late at night and we  were not careful enough to lock the door. She just turn her back and left right away. I'm concerned because after all this time, she has told me that she can not erase that image from her mind and bothers her. We have spoken to her about this and have explained to her that having sex between married adults it is normal and it is another way to express that we love each other. We have apologized for hurting her this way and affirmed to her that we love her very much and we did not try to disrespect her in any way, but she gets really upset if her dad gets close to me or try to kiss me, even on the cheek. We really don't know what to do anymore, can you give us some advise, do we need to take her to a psychologist?

[rilbrianne]

Talk to her and ask her why it bothers her so much.  I remember walking in and doing the same as your daughter, turning right around and walking out.  At her age, she should know about sex - simply for reproduction and such...  it may be a good time to have a "birds and bees" talk.  Especially since she has probably started menstruating and if she hasn't, probably will soon.  That always turns up questions about why it happens.  

I would wait to have her see a psychologist just yet, see if she feels like sexual intercourse is a bad thing and if so, why she feels that way.  Try just talking to her first and if nothing comes of it, then maybe it would be a good idea, just to ease her feelings.   Perhaps boys have made comments and it bothers her, maybe she's seen stuff on TV that bothers her.  It bothers me, tv is so raunchy now days that it makes me physically sick.  I'm afraid of what my daughters will have to endure when they get older.  

[RockRose]

Well,  no one likes to imagine their parents having sex.  Eeks.  

But I'm not sure I would have apologized for "hurting her that way".  I think I would have more taken the tack that hopefully she's now learned to knock before entering a closed room,  otherwise everyone gets embarrassed.   If you were on the couch doing this,  I would feel differently,  about "disrespecting her" - you were in your closed bedroom at night.  She was the one being a little disrespectful (at least careless,  I guess) to just waltz right in.

Was she 12 at the time?  Do you sense that she really didn't know men and women did that - or is it just the visual that bothers her so much?

Maybe it's time to just say,  your dad hugs me,  if you need to leave the room you can.   Maybe this catering to her,  and the apology for hurting her,  has sent her the wrong message?

Best wishes -

[jird15]

No kid wants to see their parents have sex and they really never even want to see them kiss.  Stop talking to her about it. Your probably just embarrasing her more and sometimes that comes out in anger.  My kids always object to seeing people kiss. Frankly if I had seen my parents have sex Yuck  I would never have gotten that image out of my head either. Yuck. And I definately would not have wanted to talk with them about it. A counseler really isn't going to change anything unless she starts obsessesing or showing strange behavior.