How can I stop self-destructing evil in me?

[olsa]

Hi, I urgently need some help. I can not control myself and can't cope with my self-destructive behaviour. I am afraid and just desperate watching how i slowly destroy what i've been creating for so long and with sooo much effort. Just because thats my next low period. And just because it's sooo habitual (nearly for 20 years, i am 24). I cant stand watching how i spoil relationships and attitude of surrounding people!...
I was diagnosed as borderline, but "recovering" borderIine. So generally i start to feel better, but sometimes... i do not want to live. i will never do suicide, but i silently ask god to take my life. thats how bad i feel at times. it's as if i am split apart, one part is good, and another just trying to crush me. and i cant stop it. i try to resist as much as i could and it takes immence amount of life energy to stay on the tightrope, i succeed most of the time, but eventually i fall. And its sooo hurtful that i dont care about my life... Its as if another part trying to prove that i AM worthless, if i am trying to live full life and pretend that i am "normal". Its as if this part punishes me for something. Maybe thats anger that i keep for the traumas in childhood done by my parents (mainly) is still sitting in me, and which i cant express. i cant project it onto my parents, because they love me too intensely and caused harm, because they did not know they would harm me by their behaviour and because they were traumatised themselves... obviously i cant project it to other surrounding people, so probably i do it onto myself, for being week, uncapable of coping with problem, for being not good enough, for performing poorly and blah blah blah... In several months (lol, so long, i hope i will be alive) ill start counselling, but now... I am afraid. I am seriously afraid, because do not know what to expect from this "bad" half. my life is ruining again. lol. ITS HORRIBLE to observe the evil inside you which u just cant stop...
How can I stop it?

[diemyn]

Stop trying to fight it. We are all good and evil, but you may tend to black/white your emotions and think you are ONLY evil when you sense negativity in yourself. If you can't talk to your parents about the hurt they caused you, can you talk to a good friend or another family member? By putting those feelings that you have about the past into a box that you feel you shouldn't open, becuz your parents love you, you are holding onto to all that negative energy and old thought patterns. It's damaging to deny yourself emotional release and you may be sub-consciously destroying your life because you aren't getting a healthy release of your pain. One thing that I've found helps me is to write a letter that you don't intend to send to whoever is hurting you. If it's in the past, but you haven't accepted that it's part of your life experience, then the hurt is very much present. It may be that painful experience happened only once or a long time ago. Any trauma we experience kind of freezes our psyche. It stagnates our soul for a reason though, so that we can reflect upon the pain and learn from it. Too often our mind steps in and puts us down. It's really only good for telling us what is and what isn't, comparing our lives to the ideas we have about the lives we wanted or the lives around us. You have to know that who you are now is exactly who you chose to be and who you need to be. It might be a very hard time for you right now, but life is rarely easy, so you might be able to comfort yourself by thinking of ways in which it could be worse, so you end up on the good side of a comparison for a change. I hope I've helped a little. Love yourself and trust yourself first and foremost. You are perfect.

Love and Light,
Diemyn

[olsa]

u did help a little. :-) ALL u say is truth.
i just dont know what to do with this pain inside which cant be released. at the moment. im looking for ways, but... its already probably 8 years... lol
I think that i am a hostage of my own love (sort of "love", i dont feel love to them as such, and its also scary and makes me feel abnormal and guilty) to my parents -  i cant hurt them because they love me more than themself (seriously), and i cant blame them because they r not guilty in their behaviour years ago, they were victims of situations then, years ago and victims of their very difficult childhood. So there is literally nothing i can blame them for. I tried to write them letter expressing hatred and anger (i think its a very good idea), but... i dont know what to write. I cant blame father for being week and drinking (it was hereditory) and i cant blame mother for not being able to cope with her emotions (it was too much for her, although she did try so vigorously) and beating me.
And at the end i am with this as u call it "box" of feelings and having no idea what to do with it. and here i think all this hatred and pain projects onto me and....i do not want to live. my counsellor tells that i am very strong but i dont feel this... at all...

what do u think? do i have a chance to live a normal life? i dont believe it

[diemyn]

Can you find some way that having experienced "bad things" has allowed you to grow as a person? Like, with my parents, I think that even thought they made my life strange and hard, if I hadn't had those bad times I would not be the person I am today. I like who I am today and I feel proud just to still be alive, cuz I have thought often of killing myself. When I think of it that way I can only thank them for being abusive to me and for making the choices they felt they had to make. Sometimes I feel like I owe it to my parents to be a good person and a functioning member of society. But really, I know that I owe nothing to anyone but myself. I owe it to myself and my experience of humanity to be myself. Maybe it would help you to make a list of things that you like about yourself and work on finding ways to love who you are and what your experiences(good and bad) have made you. Love is the key that will unlock that box for you. The love for yourself and the ability to trust yourself. I feels kinda of like going insane when you look at bad things that happen and think, " well I trust that me, my life, and the world is perfect, so that's okay that this is happening or has happened cuz everything is okay." Try to let go of your fear. When emotions have been festering for so long they get very strong and can't be contained easily. It's okay to let them go and maybe it feels like you are out of control, but ultimately you are always in control of you. I think you have the ability to let go of your pain and fear and to have a wonderful life. You have to believe that, though, cuz you create is. You create your life. Know that it will be great and that right now it's okay.

Love and light,
Diemyn