Boundaries for teen son

[blechy]

I am at my wits end here with my 18yo son.  I am trying really hard to help him get his act together but he just does not seem able to take on the responsibility of growing up. He got a good job 3 months ago (offered to him by a friend of mine) and he is doing really well except I have to drive him there as he does not have his license.  He is supposed to be saving hard so he can get a car and he did finally get his learners permit to drive.  He spends all weekends out drinking and comes home Sunday afternoon to sleep till Monday morning.  A couple of weeks ago he got caught driving (his mates car) without a license and he had been drinking - was just over the limit for someone who does have a license at his age.  He will go to court in a couple of weeks and his boss will most likely have to let him go.  

My dilemma is he will not talk to me much about anything.  He gets angry if I try to talk about what he is doing - I want him to get up earlier to get ready for work on time, not party so much, save his money better (he often borrows money from me a couple of days before his pay day which means he is spending all his money).  If he keeps his job after his court date I want him to now give me enough money each week to start saving (he hasn't saved anything on his own in 3 months).  He doesn't want to but my reasoning is when he finally does get his license the money saved will buy a car immediately.  I know he can't do it by himself and he has proved to me his immaturity by driving without a license.  

What more can I do?  His dad (we are divorced) won't have him anymore and my son needs me as he can't live by himself and can't even get to work.  I feel like the more I help him the more he doesn't do the right thing. He has no where else to live so he has to make this work.  Suggestions please - do I get tougher? WHat if he refuses to make the changes I ask for?  

[April2]

You made an interesting point. The more you help him the more he doesn't do the right thing. That's because as caring and helpful as you're trying to be, you're enabling him. It's actually hindering him from growing up and taking responsibility.
First off, I don't understand why he's drinking at 18. Isn't that below the legal drinking age? That should not be tolerated in your home. He's not acting very responsible. He doesn't feel he needs to because he knows you are there to catch him. I bet if he was living on his own and had to pay the bills he'd be more careful about keeping his job. Not only is drinking and driving iresponsible and illegal, it's downright dangerous. He could have killed himself or someone else. Thank God he didn't. It's good he has to go to court. He needs to face up to the reprecusions. Don't baby him. If he loses his job, tell him he has two weeks to find another job. You need to lay down some rules for your home. He's taking advantage of you and not showing the proper respect he should. Be firm. Explain that he needs to either be in college full time or have a full time job. He needs to have a car by a certain date and his license. And give him a date that's not too far out in the future.Then he needs to pay for the car, insurance, gas and maintanence. He needs to buy his own clothes and pay for his own entertainment. He needs to be told in all seriousness there will be no drinking or drugs while he lives with you. If he breaks that rule, then he needs to find his own place. Don't be afraid to stand up to him. If you let him walk all over you, you won't respect you. This is your home. You have every right to expect him to abide by some rules and respect you as his mother. He may legally be an adult but he's not acting like one. If he complains that he can't find a job suggest the miltary. It might actually be good for him. They wouldn't take any nonsense. The structure and discipline would probably be just what he needed. Tell him you aren't interested in excuses. He needs to find and keep a job. Yes, you can help him but if you do too much it will hinder him, so be careful. Now's the time to slowly back off and let him start standing up and be resposible for himself. I have a 19 year old son living at home. There's no way I'd put up with him acting like that. I give him a lot of freedom, yes, but he still respects me enough to call me when he's going to be late or something.
It's too bad his dad's not in the picture. A boy really needs his dad and this puts a lot of pressure on you to do it all. I wish you the best. I know it's not easy. Best wishes to you.

[Agiesmom]

April, I suspect they are in the UK (or Australia) since she referred to his friends as "mates" and the legal drinking age there in pubs is 18.

Blechy, I agree with April2--you are enabling him.  I would give him a list of "must do" things--pay room and board (maybe 20 pounds a week, with the ability to earn back half of it for helping around the house) and then he has to give you another 20 pounds a week for you to save for him.  (Just throwing out numbers--use what works for you.)  Then I'd give him a list of things he has to do around the house and put an amount of money associated with each thing, up to a total of 10 pounds (half the room and board)--1 pound to take out the trash, 2 pounds to take it to the curb on trash day, etc..  That way, he can earn up to half of his room and board money back by being responsible throughout the week.

Then the tough part--the first time he doesn't comply (doesn't give you the money on pay day for room and board and for savings), he's out.  Let him sleep on the floor of one of his mates flats and see how long THEY put up with him or how long he lasts before he's sick of it.

The partying should take care of itself if he runs out of money to go out (or his mates will get really sick of him sponging off them).

You really do need to be tough.  He will figure it out if you are.