isolation

[marissposa]

Hello,  I'm new here.  
I've been trying to break up with an abusive boyfriend.  We have very little contact, but I still miss him.  I've been really lonely and bored.  
Most of my close friends live far away and the only one who does live here is no help at all.  She has a new boyfriend and is really only interested in being with him, sometimes they invite me to tag along.  It pisses me off because she was so negative when she found out about my situation and really pushed me to leave before I was ready and now I feel like she has totally abandoned me. I know it may not be the healthiest thing, but right now I really just want a girl friend to take me out, get me drunk and have fun with.  I'm  not talking every night.  Maybe once a week.
I have attempted to reach out a bit to acquaintances.  and that has been nice.  but I feel so vulnerable right now I'd really just like to be with someone I know cares about me and accepts me for who I am.  I'm starting to not even feel that from her.  
It makes it so much harder not to call him when I don't have anyone else on my side.  Should I tell her how I feel, or just be happy for her and take what I can get from her?  
also any suggestions for dealing with the loneliness and boredom of isolation would be good to.

[dineshsibal]

Hi.
First of all spread a smile because you are in control enough to articulate your situation so well and crisply on this site.
You have also begun well by seeking a solution which means you value the 'U' in you. Needless to remind you that you are the most important person to yourself.
Break-ups have this nasty thing about hurting the one who invests more.
It is so apparent that you did so by tolerating the abuses of your beau for long enough...so long that now it hurts so bad.
Now till you find that elusive friend (your girl friend or the fantasy one you are hoping to find soon) who can be non-judgmental yet available to your feelings:

1) Stop depending upon fair weather friends to find you happiness
2) Do keep writing in. Sharing can be therapeutic. I am sure a lot of us will have lots positive to share with you.
3) I know it hurts but remember: No 'ended relationship' is the end of this world. He must have done far too lesser than you are capable of. So never let the feeling of low self esteem hit you. I am sure you deserve better than an abusive lover.
4) Do not be in hurry to quick fix the next relationship. Go easy.
5) To help yourself do the above, find friends who have suffered more and help them. It may sound archaic but service is the best balm. While it metaphors another cliche: When you do not have shoes, look at someone who doesnt even have feet; but it is the most productive way to keep you distracted from negativity and works wonders for self esteem. In a nutshell: I am suggesting you get busy helping people around you selflessly; go for a swim; join a dance class; Buy more Music; Change your hair style; pamper yourself etc.
6) Every morning get up and look into the mirror and loudly say, You look good, you are intelligent and very powerful for a nut case to disturb you like this.
7) If it doesn't work, write to me again telling me what all didn't help.

God Speed.

[Ceela]

I just wanted to offer you some perspective on your friends position.  Even the most stalwart of friends can get fed up trying to help someone who is stuck in a "drama".  I have been in your friend's position and had to finally cut someone out of my like who just sucked the life out of me with her misery but never wanted to change it.  I am in no way judging you or how you have handled your situation, I'm just saying that if she was previously a good enough friend to try to help push you out of a bad situation she may still want to be in your life but is waiting to make sure you are really out of that situation before committing too much time and energy.  

Go to your friend and tell her,
"I'm sorry it took me so long to leave ***.  I know it was hard for you to watch me being treated badly and do nothing about it.  I just wanted you to know that I have left **** for good now and I trying to move on to a healthier life.  I know I pushed you away before when you were trying to help but I sure would like your help now.  I need your support and friendship now more than ever."

If this doesn't work then she is simply done with you or is still unsure of your committment to ending it with ****.  People who are going through a hard time often let everything be about THEM so much so that the people around you can start to feel like the are just orbiting you and your drama.  Most people would like to think they are the kind of friend who can stick it out no matter what but sometimes you just can't.  It takes a lot of energy to listen to someone's problems on and on and it can just wear you out to the point where it is hurting your own quality of life.  I think most friends would be willing to do this forever as long as they didn't decide that you were never going to change your life but be a victim forever and keep the drama going.  (Which is what your friend seems to have decided.)  Once again, this is not a judgement of you at all I'm just trying to speak for your friends possible feelings.  Of course you won't really know unless you ask her!!

[teko]

Tell her. It sounds like she is just caught up in being with her bf and has not really thought about how you might need her. Me? I pick up the phone and ring her up and when she answers I just say, "Friend, I really need a friend., Then I talk and let her know how i am feeling. If she is a tru friend, she will be there. Other things you need to do are things that occupy your time. Read, join the Y where you can meet others and get exercise. Join a yoga or spinning class, but do not sit on your laurels and allow yourself to get depressed. Put yourself in the public arena where you can meet new people and spend this time to reflect on how you can make sure that you do not attract another just like him. Good luck

[marissposa]

Thanks.  But I think this is not the case as I have only talked about this situation with her twice.  Once right after it happened, and then when I left.  So I don't think she is sick of hearing about it.  Also,   it only took me 2 months to leave, which isn't really a drawn out thing.  But thank you for responding anyhow, because it just helps to know people are out there.

[marissposa]

I think you are totally right. Everyone in a new relationship gets a little selfish, and I have been specifically trying not to "harsh her mellow"  so to speak with my hard-luck stories.  But friends are meant for the good times and the bad, and I shouldn't expect her to read my mind.  Sometimes it is just really hard to ask for what you need.
Thank you

[Ceela]

In that case just tell her you need her.  She can't read your mind and she probably can't even hear you for all the hearts and singing birdies and shooting stars all around her head.  I remember it being common to pretty much dump your friends during the first couple of months of a new relationship.  Tell her you need her and I'm sure she'll be horrified that she didn't know.  Don't forget they also have support groups for abused women whether physical or emotional or both.  Sometimes only someone who has been where you are can really understand.  Good Luck!