I'm stuck in Hell and I can't get out....

[Jen813]

I just want to say that before you read this post I am not looking for anyone to feel sympathetic, or that I just want to sit around and feel sorry for myself!  I just really need some advice on what to do to (finally) get out of this situation...

I am a 28 year old woman who has 2 very beautiful little boys and I have been married for a little over 6 years.  About 3 years ago my husband began to physically abuse me.  I was never hurt bad enough to need to be taken to a hospital, and he was smart never to hurt me where anyone would see, but nonetheless he would do so.  It started off with just pushing me down onto the couch so I would listen to him, and progressed onto things as bad as taking my arms and legs and using me to mop the floor so that I could 'see how it felt to feel used.'  Looking back now I realize that I should have done something to leave while I had the chance, but I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and as being Bipolar, so now I know some of the reason that drove me to stay.  I was very young and naieve and believed him when he told me things were my fault and if I wouldn't do this or that he would get in my face and hurt me.  And the abuse took it's natural course where it would happen and then things would go back to normal (sometimes even better than normal) and then it would start again. When it first started, also, my husband would always come to me and say he was sorry and sometimes even come close to tears.  We would go from there, because I was gullible enough to believe him.  Then it got to the point where he began to threaten me as far as telling me 'you had better just stop talking...this is why you get beat.'  Now we have gotten away from the physical abuse (for the most part), and have moved on to emotional and mental abuse.  I am not allowed to have friends, he consistently tells me I need to get a job but will not watch the kids so that I can work, he is always calling me stupid and telling me that I am the reason our marriage is failing and if I wasn't such an idiot and could actually think things might work.  He also belittles me in front of our children.  "If mommy had a job then we could buy you that toy' or just says things really rude and very downgrading in front of them.  It hurts, but I am a stronger woman than when I was younger and I do not take heed in what he says.  He uses my mental weaknesses against me saying that I can't have any money because I am bipolar and I may go spend it all, I get called names like crazy psycho b---, and he will not help out around the house (at all...this includes with the kids...will not watch them, bathe them, play with them, ANYTHING) because he works and goes to school full time.  When I told him I was going back to school next fall he gave me the third degree and I still hear about it everyday, and about how I better find the money to pay for it because he isn't going to (he is going to school now for the 3rd time).

Now, to be fair I have not been the best either.  I have not abused anyone, but I know that living with me and my manic episodes can not be fun.  I have tried to explain my situation to him, but because he is going to school to become a counselor he thinks he knows how I think and how I feel.  I know that I have hurt him as well as others in my family and I take full responsibility for my actions, whether I had reasons behind my impulses or not.  I still do not believe that his actions are acceptable.

I know that I am rambling on, but here is my real issue.  I need to get my children out of this situation.  This is not heathly for them in the least and this I know.    It is not healthy for myself either.  I am in counseling, but with the stress and anxiety at home it is near impossible to make progress.  I don't know how to get out.  I have no job, no money, we do not own a home and honestly I am scared that if I try to leave I will lose my children to him because I can't provide for them financially (right now), and he has threatened to take them away from me because of my disorders (which I have never been hospitalized for nor have I ever been unstable enough not to care for them or myself.).  I have no where to go because I do not have family (or friends as I am not allowed) to go to that could help me out of this.  What can I do?  I have stayed here because of these fears, but I don't think that I can tolerate this much longer.  It has become too much of a burden.  Please, any advice would be most appreciated.  I am miserably depressed right now and I need to find a way to help my children and myself start a new life...a better life.

One last thing.  Please, before you tell me that I must like the situation I'm in or I would have left, or that I should just go and leave, think about the situation I am in.  I do not want to be in this situation, nor do I like it.  I know that I need to get out of here... I just don't know how I can do it.

sorry this is so long :(

[txsilver]

Stop putting up walls and leave.  You know there are resources available (shelters) and it is the right thing for your children.
As the daughter of a BPD parent and a survivor of multiple abusers, I am glad you are getting help.  Your children need you to be healthy and stable and that will not happen without therapy and getting out of the abusive relationship.
Many people with BPD thrive on catch 22 situations.  If they aren't in them, they create them.  I hope you are not like that.  If you are, stay exactly where you are but send your kids to live with someone else.  Give them the stability they need in a loving, non-violent, low drama home.
I am sure I am coming across as unsympathetic, but you did not want sympathy.  If you won't get out, at least get your children out.  You owe them that.

[Jen813]

No, not unsympathetic, just truthful and brutally honest, which is appreciated.  I am lucky enough not to deal with the 'I don't want him to leave me so that I have to be alone forever so I'll stay here just to make it work' thing (that wasn't meant to sound rude!!).  I do need to get my kids out of here.  I have been looking into shelters, trying to find a safe place for us to go.  I guess I just need to get up and do it.  Thanks.

[teko]

You may be bi-polar but there is a cycle to the abuse you find yourself in also. You are feeling the results of why someone tries to control another to the point that they cannot or will not get out of the situation. Your fear of leaving and lack of self assurance and fear that he will take your children is exactly why you were not allowed to have friends, isolated from family etc.  It is all about total control of another. If you do not get out, the same thing will trickly down to the children. They will learn to be abusers too. There is help out there for you but you have to go to it, it will not come to you.l can assure you that you will not lose the children. Go to a shelter and then contact your local welfare dept for help in feeding them and housing them.

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

do you go to church, if so they can help you out ,if you dont go find a church and tell them your story, lots good people there that can help you out. yes i agree do it for your boys they need to grow up and feel safe . dont let them have feelings as you do it will cause them problems in their adult life and turn the blame on you for you not getting them out. keep in touch and God Bless ya

[susieq87]

I have been thru what you have and was made to feel like I was nothing.  A door mat, a shadow of him.  It is called the wheel of control, it goes around and around and around and never stops.  You probably won't be able to recover and find yourself until you are out of the situation.  I stayed in it 15 years and I thought it was all about me and I have bipolar also. After you leave, then you wll need your counseling to feel empowered again.  It sounds like fatal attraction and if you stay mentally and emotional you will die.  I never went back to a abusive situation like they say some women do, I feel you are worthy and a good person, lease head in the right direction.  Good luck and God Bless

[jo929]

You have a way out, listen to all of the above comments, and take them to heart, i have been around many abused women, and some were in it longer than, you, and you cant believe, the things they endured, just because a coward, and a slob took control over them, You say you have bipolar, one more reason to get out, i know that it is a big step when you feel so beaten down, but your children should be the incenitive to go, and fast,it will start out with light verbal abuse ,then a broken leg,, or nose,, or leg,, or kicked in the ribs,then th hard beatings,and finally the last straw will be that he may kill you, and he may not stop with just you, it may be the children, it happens every day,and yes this should scare you, it is true, find the shelter, they will give you a home,counciling, training, every thing you will need to make a new life I do wish you and your kids the best of luck get out, and get some help      jo

[mslkpage]

If you're having trouble finding a shelter, call your counselor. He/she will be familiar with whatever resources are available in your area.

[jml1986]

The first thing you have to do is make the call. Shelters are everywhere, and they will have everything you need for you and the kids. They will teach you the skills to go on with your life. They are the safest place you can be right now. They are not going to let him come in and hurt you or take the children. The first step is the hardest, but you sound like you are strong enough to make it, so I urge you to call a shelter today. You and your children deserve the best life you can have. I wish you all the best.

[triedeverymed]

Jen there is no such thing as BRUTALLY HONEST, the two are opposits. I had an ex who was just like yours and he used to tell me he was just being Brutally Honest. What a load. Don't let some peoples posts get you down. Listen to the ones who have made it out and follow in their foosteps. No one can understand if they haven't been there. This is a tricky issue and a lot of people think they have all the answers when in fact they haven't been brainwashed like you have to remain in your situation. Let's help Jen get out, not tell her what she's doing wrong. She's asking for advice, not sympathy. I can tell because I've been where she is and it wasn't easy getting out, it took a lot of planning, secret planning, then I had to drop the bomb.
Jen, it will all work out, you just need to be safe and have some help getting your plan together. You sound like me a few years ago. Sorry to be so angry but when I read my abusers words "BRUTALLY HONEST" I wanted to throw up. He said it every day.
Wish you the best, if you need ideas, just ask.
Erin

[momagain59]

Yes, you can get out. The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is: 1-800-799-7233. They will tell you how to contact someone in your area. You deserve better. Just keep your sons in mind. You can't let them grow up to be like this monster.

[AnnaE]

I don't believe he will be a counselor. Has he given you any proof of this?

Good luck. Plan what you can, and ask questions about where you are going, if you can, before you leave.

[katarina777]

Oh yes, he can be a counselor. Therapy can be very dangerous, indeed. They can become just as controlling as...

Erin, what you say about being 'brutally honest'.  What do you think?

And Jen, people are always so conditioned with their politically correct advice giving. I won't give you anything that I don't know first hand from my own experience.

You do it for yourself...for yourself, because everything that is good for you will also be good for your boys while they are still young. A happy mother is a good mother. So, remember...for you, and the rest will follow.

'Using your truth to hurt others diminishes you-and your truth.'