About to divorse????

[bosnianworrier]

OK here's my story. Been married for 3 years and have a 1yo kid. I love my wife and I think she still loves me but not as much as before I started verbally abusing her. Thanks to my anxiety I havent worked a month in the last 3 years and in the last 12 months I called her names and what not. She always put up with it until she got tired and started fighting back. Lately we fought every day. Yesterday she went to her parents house and called me to ask me something about fixing a computer but I was in a bad mood and told her to call later. Later I told her she should stay with her mom forever. (I didnt mean it of course)

Today she called and I said the same again. I said come and pick up your stuff. I didnt think she took it seriously because we said that to each other many times in the last 6 months. She called again around 6 pm and sais come pick me up. I asked why. She said because Im your wife. I said ur not any longer. She just hang up.

15 minutes later she was at the door with  her father and brother. They talked to me and said this marriage will not work if I dont start a job soon. I said I know I have to work even tho I have generalized naxiety disorder but they said I promised that 100000000000000 times before. They are right.

After they left I called them and her mom said dont call its over. I kept calling until she answered and she said I have 10 days to find a job and she will be back. I said I dont wanna be 10 days without her and the kid. I spoke to her mom again who pretended she doesnt care.

Now before you start blaming me, I already admitted I am guilty. I also have sexual dysfunctions due to anti-anxiety meds but she is coping well with that. Money and fighting is the issue.

I dislike her family but I should respect them to some point because they are her family after all.

These are my questions.

1. What should I do now? 2. How can I cope with work and anxiety? (I know work wont kill me but I have some kind of "workophobia") 3. Should I go there and apologize and try to bring her home or should I wait for her to call and say to go pick her up (if she ever does).

I did apologize to her over the phone and re-promised everything but she doesnt believe me anymore.

PS. ALL IS MY FAULT BUT MY ANXIETY, DEREALIZATION. DEPERSONALIZATION, PHOBIAS ETC...ARE CAUSING ALL OF IT.

Any ideas?

[teko]

Why are you not getting treatment? If you know it is your problem, and not your wifes, I do not understand why you are not doing something to help yourself. Your wife, it sounds like has gone way over what she should have as far as putting up with you. You are downgrading her constantly and I am sure she now has her own set of issues that need help. How do you eat, pay the bills etc, if you are not working. I think the cure would be that if you do not work you do not eat, period. I think people need to quit enabling you, by putting up with you. You need to be put out there hi and dry to do or die as they say. You have choices here. You can get help or keep using your disorder as an excuse to act out and beat up on everyone around you. If this sounds harsh, I am sorry. You only give one paragraph out of your life and I am sure it is more complicated than what you can write down in one paragraph, but based on that one paragraph, you cannot help someone who will not help themselves. Regardless of your mental and physical problems, it is simply criminal for you to treat your wife and others the way you have. There is no excuse! GET TO A DOCTOR! and then get a job. It is your responsibility to take responsibility for your own actions. Your wife sounds like one hell of a woman to have put up with this abuse for so long. You should be grateful! For her sake she should stay away, for yours, you better pray she comes back. No one else would put up with it. Sorry, but what are you going to do when no one is there for you to belittle, put down, rant and rave at over nothing, because your having a mood?

[jo929]

Your post appears,, that you want to blame every thing you do, or dont do, on your, let us say mental problems, There are Dr out there, and there are meds to deal with this,. so it does sound like you ,, as she must have loved you very much to have put up with your behavior, this long.. I have worked in the medical field for many many years, and i think you are trying to feed your ego by verbally abusing her, I know many people that have been to treatment for what you say you have, and they are working productive people., so maybe you are the type that has to blame something for your actions, and what better, than the good ole long used excuse of anxiety, I do know this can be tough, but it can be treated, and helped, and it sounds like you do not care much, whether, it is treated or not,I do hope that i am wrong about you, so go get help, tell your wife you are sorry, and that you are getting help, but dont ask her home yet,until you are sure. you dont need a-prop to lean on, because from the sound of your post, she is tired of your verbal abuse, and whining   good luck   jo

[jo929]

In my post above, i may have come down a little hard on you, butsometimes when people have the medical problems you have, and if they dont get hepl are so frustrated, the are ascared, and angry, at themselves, and take it out on others, is one reason you may be acting the way you dp, but you need hepl and counsling, and quit usung your wife, as a shield for your inadequence in dealing with your problems, so i basically stay with my above opinion, get help,and get a job, and dont play this problem all of your life,,,    i do wish all of you the best  

[Ceela]

I would tell her to please stay with her family until you get yourself straightened out.  She doesn't deserve to be treated that way and your CHILD doesn't need to live in that kind of chaos and fighting.  It will SCAR them for life and they will end up as messed up as you.  My advice is get a simple easy job that will pay your bills, beg her family to let her stay with them for a while, and get into treatment so you can get better.  Then when you are ready she could slowly integrate back into your life (with your child) in a safe and healthy way.  Try to have a rational calm conversation with her about this and remember...even if she forgives the cruel things you say, she will NEVER forget that you said them.  You don't hurt people you love.  Ever.

[slow_healer]

Marriage is not a license for you to abuse your partner. Anxiety problems or not, you're still responsible for what comes out of your mouth. I agree with the other posters - deal with these problems first before trying to patch things up with your wife. Until you've got a good handle on your anxiety/depression, I don't think the damage done to your marriage can be fixed. Your wife may change her mind and come back, but it sounds like the abuse that comes with your anxiety/depression will still be there. Stop driving away the people that care about you and find a better way to deal with your anxiety. You have plenty of good ideas from other posters as to how to begin.

[bosnianworrier]

Thank you all for replys. I went to their house today and promised everything will be OK. Meaning I will find a job and stick to it. AND I WILL. I HAVE TO. I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE. I must say the 8 hours I spent in their house was hell. I fought with her father who told me, if I don't find a job he will make sure his daughter divorces me. And he is right I cant stop him.

As my mental illness goes, Im getting all treatments possible.

Thanks again

[Jame0223]

Are you taking medication? I also have generalized anxiety. I know how tough it is. If i hadn't gone to the dr I probably would have dropped out of school. That was my phobia. School, car rides, going out in public sometimes. Its a horrible thing to have to live with but I went to the doctor and told him about how I felt. He prescribed me Zoloft. Its an anti-depressant and anxiety med. It was a life saver! After about a week battling the side effects, they went away and so did the panic attacks. I later got switched to a drug called Lexapro that does the same thing, its just a smaller amount with calmer side effects (I had stopped taking the zoloft, and tried again but couldn't handle my dosage). I have been on it for a week now. It has literally turned my life around again. I'm in a better state of mind. Im not afraid to do anything. I have motivated myself to lose some weight, which I have needed to do for about 6 months. I can gladly say that I have lost 7 pounds already! These medications really do their jobs...and this may help you save your marriage.

[bosnianworrier]

Im taking Effexor and Klonopin. Klonopin is a big help. My doc wants to put me on Zoloft but I don't wanna because of sexual side effects.

BTW I've  dropped out of school because of my GAD. Prior to this disease I was one of the top students in school and had big plans for my life and my career but anxiety took it all away. But I guess its never too late as long as you manage to control the disease. One thing that I had never lost is hope and strenght to fight.

[kathryn80]

Be cautious about feeling too good... at some point you will think you are "all good" and don't need the meds or help anymore, and many times this is just the meds deceiving you.  I've had experience with what you are listing with my ex... I did divorce him and haven't looked back once.  I only hope and pray he is getting help now.  He wouldn't for me.  
Good luck.