is there something wrong with me?

[pearlyman92]

when i entered this thread, i had no idea what bpd was, but when i started reading some posts, i started to realize that i have some similarities to these people suffering from this disorder. Not only do i have a series of rituals that i follow for reasons that i can't explain, but i seem to have different personalities. Theres my normal self, and then theres another side of me. For example, when I'm with friends, i have a tendency to put on this strange voice, and i feel like im doing it to hide my emotions from them, because i fear that they can see through me. Even with my family, i feel like i need to put on this voice because its the only way i can open up without being judged. i put on this voice when i feel like people that im comfortable with are judging me, and i tend to do it when i feel like they are mad at me or are not liking me for whatever reason. i also get furious with people even if they haven't done anything to me, usually just because they look or dress a certain way, and i hate it but i cant control it. is there anything wrong with me?

[pearlyman92]

Furthermore, I used to fear that my small actions (like dropping a can on the sidewalk) would cause the death of people and for a while I though that I was some kind of murderer. I also suffered from insomnia for a while which was a result of anxiety.

[joannemcfc]

i have recently found out i have bpd after undergoing counselling and feeling as though i wasnt getting anywhere apart from being more confused.i,like you seem to have different personalities,not in a schizophrenic way,but i am different with different people if that makes sense,,,ive noticed i can change my voice also,i can be quiet or quite extrovert,,i can use my broad manchester accent and then i can pronounce all  my p,s and q,s so to speak.its so confusing,i end up wondering who i really am.on a day when i can feel great i can doubt that i have bpd and think the physcologist was wrong.i can also feel anger,sometimes in its purest form,for reasons that are very real to  me,,,but in actual fact whn ive thought about it after it was irrational,but at the time its pure rage inside of me,that someone has upset me or is out to hurt me or just doesnt care or some other reason,,,it all gets so confusing at times,tht i feel as though im on autopilot to try to stay on an even keel and try and not listen to my thoughts,,,im on a waiting list at the moment for therapy and im wondering whether i need a change of medication,,,but some of the stories about some of the meds put me off.anyway,im waffling on about myself,but i just wanted to try and empathise with you and explain a little of how i feel because it seems similar to the way i feel.have you seen anyone about this?have you felt like this for a while?its goo dthat you posted your message on here,because it shows that you are trying to understand yourself and i think when you learn to understand you can go about getting the help and advice you need to be able to help yourself,,,,,joanne

[pearlyman92]

thanks for your reply, im going to do a little bit of research on this and im considering seeing someone about it. thanks again for your reply, it was very helpful.