Do I have OCD? (Sure as hell hope I do)

[DigitalC]

Hello everyone, I am new to the forum. Let me tell you a little about my past. I am a 25 y/o male. Back in March of 2007, my father passed away. Ever since then I have been in a dark fog it seems. At his funeral all of my family members ridiculed me over my weight. After that I becme bulimic, then stopped eating, took diet pills and exercised myself down 70lbs in 2 months. I did it because I felt an immediate threat to my life, even though my blood pressure and everything else was normal. I remember having what I think was a panic attack one day saying "I have to lose weight because I don't want to have to make anyone else go through a funeral." It was accompanied by a racing heart for no reason and crying (I was never one to really cry), which subsided after about 15mins. After reasearching some things, I am starting to wonder was this a health obsession? I would only eat salad, broth, drink a gallon of water a day and do n hour and a half of cardio routinely everyday.

Eventually that one went away, then I went through another stressing event in my life. In July of 2007, I became ill and had to have emergency surgery to have my appendix removed. Further down the line another life change event with graduating from college in December of 2007 and moving to a new state with my girlfriend. One night we went to be intimate with each other and I could not get started. I thought nothing of it at the time. One day I had a thought of male genitals that was disturbing and disgusting. Then the flood started. I wondered what if I couldn't get it up because maybe I'm gay (pretty sure I'm not.)? Let me tell you I have always hung around guys, but I seen them as friends and buddies I could drink with. I have never been attracted to them. I have always been attracted to females but was shy in approaching them. But when I looked at adult movies, I liked to watch girl on girl movies or girls by themselves (my apologies if that was too explicit). I have stopped watching porn all together for religious reasons. So these thoughts are constant as of now. I find that every day I read the same prayers in my prayer book and ask God and Jesus to take the gay thoughts and doubt that has appeared within me away. I can imagine the sexiest girl and when I get down there she ends up with both sets. Its like my mind can't distinguish anymore. As soon as it happens, I pray again. This has taken its toll on my life. All I do is sit around and pray all day (college grad w/ degree and no job). I am able to feel relief momentarily, but then sooner or later the "am I gay?" thoughts and the doubt come flooding back in. If I see an a male that I would consider attractive, I find I check myself constantly to see if I am aroused. Or I think to myself automatically "he is cute", then check myself. All I get down there is a tingling and the opposite of arousal. I do the same thing watching sports, automatically staring at genitals. Yet I only get a feeling of why the hell did I just do that? I do the same thing when cars ride by as I stare out the window. I look at each driver. I tried to test myself by saying I will not look at the next car that comes by. Sure enough as soon as I hear a car, what do I do but look. Also find that as soon as I get an e-mail bout a job or a voicemail, I automatically say I am not qualified no matter what it is. This stuff has taken over my life. I love my girlfriend to death and don't even know if I should tell her what is wrong with me or not. She tells me that I don't even smile anymore, but how can I when I worry about this 24/7? The best times are the first 5mins when I wake up. I look at her and tell her that I love her before the thoughts can start for the day. I also have frigid fingers, shoulder/neck pain and shortness of breath.

If it helps, I am the same type of person that cooks something, then goes back to check the stove 2-3 times to make sure its off, and checks the door locks and alarm 2-3 times. I just don't see how I can go from enjoying females and knowing that I am straight to seemingly questioning my entire past virtually overnight. It just doesn't make sense. But then, my post might not make sense to you, but thats just the state that my mind is in. This has been going on for too long and I am growing weary of fighting it mentally. It is taking a toll on my physical happiness and body. Someone help me.

[DigitalC]

I also forgot to mention that I thought to myself two months ago that my nephew (9yrs old) and his friend were cute kids and then spent the next two weeks wondering if I was a pedaphile. I know that one is non-sense because I would never harm a kid, but my mind wanted to question it anyway. I sure as hell hope I can go back to the old me that smiled and was happy. The fact that me and my girlfriend don't have sex alot even increases the "am I gay?" fear tenfold. This sucks.

[DigitalC]

Anyone out there?

[ManiacalPope]

Hmm.... First off most guys do go through a phase where they question their sexuality, that's totally normal. If you turn out to be straight, fine, bi, fine, gay, fine, no harm done either way, it just sounds like you have way too much anxiety and such over it and the view your religious beliefs make you have towards it is just making it worse. Also, I too have an eating problem, and most likely you're associating food/being fat with something bad (Like you said, other people going through another funeral, so you might be associating it with you causing other people suffering).

Also, talk to your girlfriend about your problems. She should be understanding and able to help you through it.

About the kid thing, it's normal to think a kid is cute. Not in a way that you'd want to do anything to them, but just cute. Like a puppy or a kitten or something. As long as it's not a sexual 'cute' then it's fine, and it doesn't sound like it is.

This might offend/anger you if you're that sort of person but try and take this advice, it seems like your religion is causing a lot of your problems, and magnifying the ones you already have. Just use some common sense and don't let the whole fear of sin deal freak you out too much. ; )

Also if none of this applies, forgive me, I basically just woke up. : P

[ManiacalPope]

Ah, one more thing. About the checking out other guys crotches, that to is completely normal. Some guys are actually checking stuff out, but most of them are straight and kind of 'comparing' I guess you'd say. I think it's from the whole obsession with penis size and such but I dunno. : P But don't dwell on it too much, it's fine.

[bmore]

I completely feel your pain. It's petrifying. The more you want to forget about it, the more it invades your mind and you can not concentrate on ANYTHING. I think this is paired up with major anxiety. I am trying to work through this myself. I just bought a house and switched my meds at the same time. Big mistake. I am in hell right now with the same "thoughts" as you. Maybe we have an imagination that is way too active! But I know how crippling it is. Just try to think to yourself, this is completely normal and everyone has these thoughts. Its just our heightened sensitivity that brings them to the forefront and makes us freak out. And talk to your girlfriend. I talked to my husband and it made me feel  better. I am on this site often if you wanna talk.

[Jadeexx]

I'm not an expert but...
You do show some strong signs of OCD, in that you have excessive worries (obsessions) about being gay or a peodifile (unwanted sexual thoughts), and you attempt to counteract this by excessively praying or by checking (compulsions) for temparary relief and you are aware that this behaviour is irrational.  The obsessions do not mean that you are gay or a peodifile at all.  People with OCD often feel extremely anxious about something and suffer with unwanted thoughts and engage in compulsions to try and cancel these thoughts out temparily.  I strongly advise you go to a doctor and tell them about your concerns.
   You also mentioned that you have suffered from Bulimia and Anorexia, which is common in people with OCD (probably because they are anxiety and compulsive disorders) as is depression, amongst other things.
  Your fathers death probably triggered these anxiety disorders, and I also think that you should also see a counselor to help you come to terms with your grief.

I have suffered with OCD pretty much my whole life and i completely understand where your coming from.  I excessively worry about becoming seriously ill, usually cancer or AIDS (although when i was younger, there a lot more illnesses i worried about such as rabies and even having a heart attack).  I'll suddenly feel panic wash over me that I am seriously ill and will either count things, or repeat a certain action (ritual) or read or write the same thing over and over until it feels just right, to rid me of the worry (somehow these actions will stop me getting or having cancer).  When I was younger I would repeatedly check my saliva (incase i was coughing up blood from internal bleeding) and check my pulse (incase i was having a heart attack and it had stopped beating). I was fully aware it was irrational but I couldn't stop myself - this would only make my anxiety worse.
I hope that telling you this has made you feel less alone, and also less ashamed.  I know a lot of guilt and shame come with the obsessions and compulsions, and its hard to talk to people, and you feel the need to hide what your going through, even from friends and family.  However, OCD is a quite well known disorder these days, so most people will understand.  Also consider going to seek help from a professional; although there is no cure, therapy is usually effective. OCD can be managed and a therapist can help you to cope with your anxieties.  A doctor will tell you more about this.

Best Wishes

[DigitalC]

Thank you for your help and support everyone.

[lasvegasgirl6]

I found whatever you resist it will presist. I have suffered from ocd since I was a kid and I feel your pain it is horrible. unwanted thoughts are the worst its like your brain find the worst possible thing that could happen and shows it to you over and over and the more you try to get rid of it the stronger it gets like feeding it. I LEARNED LONG AGO to be still dont do anything breath and dont react to thte thoughts its just a thought . Then I go about my day if I was going to the store then thats what I will do and If the thoughts come again i dont fight it but just continue on listen to the radio read get on computer just dont feed the thought or let it stop you from your normal day. You know that it's nonsense in your inner most self   the more you exercise the abilaty not to react to it it fades away....then it likes to change it up if that thought didnt upset you it try's to find something else that will again be still do nothing breath and go about your day. Also help another person that does wonders get out of your mind ! I hope that helps .peace to you

[ShellEliz]

I have OCD myself, I have horrid thoughts that I am otherwise unfamiliar with pop into my head all the time.  I never smile either. Yes I have depression.  Yes tragic life events made things worse in my case or created new symptoms in one case.  My "thoughts" that pop in there seem to be the main culprit.  I do not have a relationship nor have had one for many years, but as far as I know, I did not have these odd thoughts pop into my head while in a relationship or with people.  When I am alone I have many.

Anyway, I want to try to help here, I have a theory because I have been studying what I read, see and learn for years now and pieced a theory together that I believe may possibly be a fact.   It is related to the spirit realm./spirituality/religion or the teachings thereof.    From things I have read in Bible, and many many other sources including books on the spirit realms.   Apparently, there is a spiritual war going on all around us here on earth.  Earth is included in the whole realm, we vibrating at an energy in which we are not at the same vibrations as the other parts of the realm, thus cannot see with our eyes those things such as the spirits of dead.   Apparenlty, those spirits which live on eternally, sometimes if they had earthly (low vibrational) desires still in thier thought vibrations upon death and will have kept those in the otherside will indeed KEEP TRYING TO INVADE DOWN HERE via our thoughts directly THROUGH our bodies.
This includes addictions and why we cannot control them yet we are perplexed at why we alone cannot fix something.  Which is indeed why we need other's help and love to slowly or quickly help us change our thoughts whether intentionally on thier part or unintentionally, it takes the love and energy of others.  Sharing info is one way to help as long as it is truth.   I am stating that this is what I believe.  Did you ever notice that even if you thought you hated someones existence, or that they were useless to you accept to make you miserable here, on the day of thier death, somehow you feel you are not complete, and are missing something?  That was thier soul.  Everyone has a good part of thier soul, and it is the lower spirit world who comes in and uses that persons body to spew negativity out of thier mouths, flood thier thoughts with negative things, and cause them to be addicted to things thus taking away from thier ability to love you.   But when they are gone, the good part is taken too, and you then see the good part that was hidden due to the low spirits that invaded them.   You may be fighting with a low spirit or many trying to use your body as a vessel to continue living life through your body.  You must deplete them from gaining any enjoyment.  This will take time as they keep fighting to stay and use your body/via the mind (i.e. energy).   So.....I don't know the exact answer.  But pretend you are a kid in your mind, listen to audio tapes with meditative messages that suit you.  Meditate by deep breathing