husband and cocaine

[fgirl]

Hello.  I'm worried about my husband.  We've been married for 7 years and have two small kids.  Last week I found cocaine on my desk while i was working.  Obviously he was so sloppy while using he forgot to clean up after himself.  I do know what night he took the drug, because my son woke up around 1am and i noticed my husband was in the office on the computer. I was surprised he was up so late and thought it was odd at the time but didn't put 2 and 2 together until i found it the next day.

I had no clue he was still doing coke.  I do know years ago he had dabbled in it but I never saw signs of problems with him, he never ever brought the stuff around me.  Now that i've found this stuff I fear he's doing it behind my back and knows how to manage it without me knowing.  That scares me to death and also makes me feel that I really don't know him as well as I thought.  He said its only been this one time recently that he was tempted to do it but for some reason I don't believe him.  Are there any signs that I can look out for to give me more clues as to if he's using this often?  I don't know what to look for other than sniffy nose or staying up/not sleeping.  I need advice on this one.  I've never touched cocaine and don't know what to look for.  Do some people occassionally do this stuff once a year or is that impossible?

[HUBBY CHOO]

For me, If I was you?  Afrin nasal stuff. nasal cleanser, up late hours, as U have caught on to, eating habbits, depression, irritability and if not look for Valume or any kind of uppers or downer pills(helps w/ come down). Look up his nose and see if he is uncomfotable!?  Ask alot of uncomfortable questions, analyse the reaction.

Goodluck,

Choo

[cinnamonstix]

Hey...I feel for ya, I really do. My ex was a crack-addict, a very bad one.
He never did it at home, though..believe it or not...he'd get paid on Friday..and come home for a few minutes, drop off money(if I was lucky) and be gone for days...til the cash was gone. This went on for years..and it got worse and worse. I tried EVERYTHING....I begged, I pleaded...he just didn't care.
Then, he got abusive..really abusive. Once, He put my head through the driver's side window while I was doing 70mph on I90/tollway cuz I wouldn't give him the $20 I had in my pocket that I got for my birthday from my gramma.
EVEN then...I thought to myself: "he's my husband, for better or worse..we have children together..." so I STILL stuck it out and tried to make our marriage work. Well, lemme tell ya what finally ended it all, this happened about 3 days after he put my head into the window........

It was a friday night, about 10pm..me and the kids were up watching TV, I let them stay up late cuz it was Friday and Jesse(my ex) was gone, he'd been gone for 2 days by this time so I figured, nice night to just spend quietly with the kids. BOY, was I WRONG on that one.

We were sitting in the living room, and all the sudden the front door got KICKED in..and 2 of the biggest black guys you ever saw walked into my living room...the first one said: "WHERE IS JESSE????!!!!" While the 2nd one just looked at me.
I said: "he's not here..hasn't been here in 2 days...' and I am looking for the cordless phone, before it hit me that the phone was shut OFF cuz my ex didn't pay the phone bill, he spent all the money on crack.
SO this guy said to me: "well, that mother ******* just jacked us for 200.00 woth of crack, and we want our money!!!!!"
Well, of course, I didnt have any money.....by now, the kids are petrified, and so was I. I calmly told them "I don't have any money, he leaves me here constantly and takes all the money, I don't even have diapers right now for our child, my mom is bringing some over tomorrow".
THEN, he says:  "well, we'll just take what he owes us out of YOU."
BY now...I am thinking to myself: "this is NOT happening...."
Then, the 2nd dude speaks up, finally, and says: "NO, she ain't got nothin' to do with this..she doesn't smoke rock, she had nothin to do with this, leave her alone...."
I felt my knees go weak from relief......then, finally they left.
AND DO DID ME AND THE KIDS. THAT night....with the clothes on our backs, some personal items in garbage bags...we drove on FUMES to my mom's house......and the next day I got a restraining order on my ex.....then started divorce proceedings immediately. We were divorced, uncontestedly, 6months later.
Then, a year later...I met and married a great guy....and we had 2 babies together, along with the 4 kids I had from my ex.....my hubby is a father to ALL the kids and was a blessing I never thought I would recieve.

THe point I am trying to make to you is this:
DO NOT WAIT til it gets that bad......I let it go on, thinking if I was just a better wife, a better mom, a better housekeeper, ETC,,,that he would change and stop. But it took me a long time to realize, it wasn't about ME, it was about HIM..and I was really an enabler cuz I did nothing about it. I SHOULD have done more, demanded he stop, left him earlier....ya know? But I didn't. And look how bad it got for me.
Don't let that happen to YOU, do something NOW.....confront him, give him an ultimatum...DO SOMETHING is what I am trying to tell you.
AND never think what happened to ME won't happen to YOU. That was my mistake. I never, ever in a million years would have thought that would happen. But it did.
Please, be careful....and do something NOW.

Sorry so long.....but I felt compelled to tell you my story.....I hope it will help you in the long run.

Jennifer

[athena-8]

Hello,
Welcome to the forum. I hope we can help shed some light on your situation.

Based on my experience as a recovering addict (of numerous substances), by the time an addict gets "sloppy" around his/her using, you can bet they've been doing it consistently for awhile and are most likely using large amounts. I'm sorry to report this, but usually that's the case.

Another stark fact: Lying is a natural action for active addicts. Easier said than done, but don't take it personally, hon. It is the nature of the disease of addiction for addicts to lie. Try to remember, It's not your husband speaking, it's the drugs. Underneath the coke, I'm sure he's a wonderful man. He has good intentions, but if he's in throughs of addiciton, his obsession and compulsion for using will most likely trump anything and everything in his life regardless of these intentions.

Unfortunately without many consequences in our lives, most of us are unwilling to quit. Addiction is very, very powerful, and one must have a huge desire to quit before any steps toward recovery is possible.

That said, when your husband decides to get honest with you is the day the he has a shift that results in his first move toward dealing with his addiciton. Until then, you may want to seek out the support of Al Anon. Many of the folks that participate in this 12-step program are in relationships with active addicts. The message in those rooms is (generally) this: You have absolutely ZERO control over your husband's actions, but you CAN tke care of yourself through this trying time. Many people come into this program with thoughts like "If he loved me, he'd quit" and discover that in the face of addiciton, Love means very little. It's that powerful.

I wish I had more uplifting news, but I'm sorry I do not.

Warmest Regards,

--Athena

[tobbs]

hi,  its easy to tell people what to do but i know this drugs took every thing in life i loved the most its 10 years later and i still pay every day of my life. my x used to say to me just talk to me, (just talk to me). please try talking to him.put him on line and i will tell him what my drug of choise did to me .Just a little at a time,every once in awhile.

[Jessica Lucas]

I am in about the same situation. It seems it has been going on for almost a year now. I am trying to find him some help right now. I also tried begging him and makeing him feel bad and all that stuff but it dont work. The drug is too powerful. He'll be fine until he gets around another addict and leaves with them. Because of this problem we have nothing but our son. He buys the diapers and everything our son needs but we cant get up on our own because of this drug. We have been together for 4 years and I am still intending on helping him. I have felt like giving up on him but something keeps telling me not to there's still hope. And I do believe there is. I'm still here for him but he is off doing it again now. So I am taking it up a notch and try getting him in rehab. YOu know the in patient and when he gets out hopefully I'll have us a place away from everyone we know. Start off new. And that will help a great deal too I think. Never say that he dont care about anyone but the drug because they do. I can tell he loves us to death and is trying it's just when them people come around the urge gets to him and he just dont think straight. I still have faith in him and I know he can still make it out of this. We just need to get him help and more importantly get him away from here. YOu never really know anything about the drug until you find out your loved one does it and then you find out its EVERYWHERE. Before he got on the drug I didnt even know what crack cocaine was. And then just like that the **** is everywhere. As for someone who has been doing it for 15 years I can't really say that there's any help left for them. But with just barely touching a year and being only 18 theres still alot more hope. I love this person with all my heart. Just about as much as I love our son and I can't just leave him and see him getting worse. I have read up on crack cocaine and the affects of it. I know now that they go through depression as one of the withdrawels and it makes me sad. Because I never even noticed it. I have cried more today reading up on it than I've cried in a long time. I WON'T give up on him. I refuse to. He is my life as well as our son is. And I can't picture life without him. I WILL get him help and the most important thing in getting them help as I have come to realize is getting away from everyone we know. He has also said the same thing. And if he's in rehab I can save up my money and get us away from here. Because with him out and about that would never work. I will hopefully let you guys now the turn out in a few months or so. Wish me luck! I always like new people to talk to about this stuff it helps me a little bit so if anyone wants to email me or anything my address is ***@****

[sassy76823]

How do I know for sure my boyfriend of 3 years is using?  We recently moved (in a hurry) to a city far from his family.  He said he wanted a new start for us.  He has constantly lied to me and when I catch him in the lie he denies everything that i know is the truth.  I know there is something majorily different with him and he has been to jail for cocaine use and went to a S.C.O.R.E. program for 6 months.  I met him when he got out and he was so loving and gentle.  Now he just says that he has changed.  He wasn't coming home till 4 or 5 in the morning and then getting up at 10am and going to work and out all day and night again.  He is constantly going.  I have caught him with 3 other women and he denies it.  He has never cheated on me before.  I have never been around people on drugs I don't know if the cocaine has taken him back or if he just truly is unhappy in the relationship.  He is talking about moving out now.  When he is home - I never see him eat anymore - he says that he had a big lunch at work and not hungry.  It's like he is possessed now.

[Hamax]

I have split form my husband 6 months ago because of his cocaine addiction and the behaviour that went along with that.  We had been together 12 years and married for 6 and have a 3 year old son.  I never thought the day would come where I would actually have the balls to stand up and tell him to go and he knew that too and played on my forgiving good nature and the fact I loved him sooooo much.  He wasn't bad all the time and never physically abusive which is what made it worse, I would just start to trust him and once again he would let us down. Steal money from the bank account (in the end I slept with the card under my pillow) sold our video camera, digital camera, other family members possesions.....These things would happen one at a time, each time I found out I would confront him and each time he would break down go to the doctors say he wanted help and then never follow it through.  Our marriage turned into this cycle over and over promises that things would work out.  I put up with these things and kept them to myself as much as i could.  The other thing that got to me was that he was just so unreliable saying he would go for a quick drink after work (he always held down his job) and then not come home.  The amount of times I sat up crying wating for him to come in Urgh! In the end I just had enough, I looked at my friends relationships and looked at my own, all of the things that went on were not Normal behaviour and things were not changing or getting better and I just thought would I be happier living with him like this or living on my own.  One day we had a row and he said "you're too good for me I should just go" (a sentence that he said nearly everytime we had a row and normally I would beg him to sort it out and get well and stay with me) and I said "you know what I think you should."  He is now living in a flat share with another guy he sees our son occasionally and me and my son are getting on with our lives.  Of course I was upset but nothing like I was when he was at home.  I actually felt relief that I didnt have to worry about him constantly.  He still goes up and down, one minute he is saying he is doing well and is over me and the next he wants us to try again. One day he looks well another time I see him he looks awful.  This is very hard but I know I have made the right desision and will not go back on it.  I dont think you can ever tell anyone to get out of a relationship but hopefully there comes the day that you say enough is enough, you cannot change them or make them better even by PUTTING them into rehab, they have to really want to do it for themselves. I also believe there is no point trying to analyse what is going on in an addicts head because you just cant understand it.  I always thought if you loved me youd stop if you loved our son youd stop.  I do think he loves us both but the addiction makes him a selfish liar and drugs come first.  Anyway life goes on I have met a nice guy and we are taking things very slowly.  I find it hard to trust people now because I have been lied to so many times but life is sooo much better now than it was before.  Good luck to all those people in a relationship with an addict....dont waste your lives worry about them and trying to help them..worry about yourself and help yourself and your kids if you have any.  Sorry might sound a bit harsh but thats the way I feel.

[delna]

Hi my husband introduced me to coke 3 mos ago.
Now looking back i realize that was so he could do his habit without feeling as guilty.we have two kids and he is up late and gets really moody.
i after 3 mos quit cold turkey..  he is now alone in his disease.
And i am sure he wishes i still did it.
before i never knew what signs to look for now that i have done it i now know the sighns.
up late,moody,nasl spray is his companion.
That is a real sign!!!

hope to have shed a little light for you?

D

[frustrated404]

I am in the same situation.  I would love to know what I can do.  The difference, my husband is always providing for us, he has his own business, he always gets me everything I need/want.  But he lies.  I know every symptom and sign, and he still lies!  UGH!  Help.  How can I leave someone who only goes through this once a week, maybe twice if it's 'one of those weeks.'  But it's not every night.  It's not even EVERY weekend.  But I am so tired of the lying and deceit.  

[jackpup]

Frustrated404, you need to do 2 things.  First, confront him.  I guarantee you he's not using just once/week or less, my guess is that it's at least every other day if not almost every day.  Cocaine is expensive, many businesses have essentially gone up the owner's nose because it leads to poor performance, sloppy work, and large sums of $ being spent.  It also tends to put you around less than desirable people on a regular basis.  You know that he lies to you, probably on a regular basis.  What does he lie about?  Is he cheating on you?  Is he hiding his spending  from you?  Is he in charge of all the finances?  If so, you need to be diligent in trying to assess your financial picture.  Credit cards may start to get maxed out, maybe a 2nd mortgage on the house, new CC's may show up, etc....
I am going through something similar.  I have been married for over 3 years, together with her for 8.  I had herniated discs in my back, 3 unsuccessful surgeries, and a nasty 2 year battle with pain meds.  I took percocet, oxycontin, vicodin, etc... for pain for the past 2 years.  It was legit, doctors scripts and paid by insurance and the pain was real.  I got hooked, and became distant and aloof.  I ignored my wife, I stopped being social, I became lazy around the house.  Her and I both work full time, I'm a professional for a big corporation and she's a teacher, so it didn't affect my job to the extent it did my marriage, but it didn't help either.  Anyway, after about 2 years of me ignoring her, my wife found a friend over the summer that she cheated on me with, according to her only kissing a couple times, but who knows.  At that same time I was going cold turkey off my meds.  I wanted my life back, I wanted to feel things again.  I've been successful (it's been since the beginning of July) up to this point and do feel much better, but my wife cheated on me and I can't trust her.  I put some of that blame on me, I probably chose the pills over her on occassions and made her feel unimportant and less than beautiful.  While this wasn't a financial strain