How do I make what I started end??

[lizbeth30]

I divorced in mid 2004.  I have 2 children with my ex husband.  For  the first two years he would see the kids regularly and pay his child support every two weeks.  I remarried in 2006 and all of a sudden he dropped out of the lives of our children.  My older son who was 6 at the time took his dads absence very hard and was in counseling for 8 months.  After a year of no “dad” I filed a request in the court asking for sole legal custody of the children.  Early this year we had court and lo and behold he decided he does want to see the kids.  Although he didn’t initiate the paperwork in the court, or attempt in any way before this to see them or contact them.  He is now in a relationship with a girl who he lives with and she has a son and now together they have an infant son.  So after a six year marriage to this guy I know him very well.  I decided to agree to visitation once a week knowing, if he has enough rope he will eventually hang himself.  During the once a week visits there were always issues.  He would talk down to the kids about me, as would his girlfriend, he would always show up late to drop them off.  He always allowed the girlfriend to be the one to discuss things with me, and would act very hostile towards me in front of her.  After only 5 visits everything exploded.  His girlfriend was very mean to my son and we had a very nasty fight and said cruel and mean things to one another as well as to each others children.  I think of myself as a good person with good intentions and feel horrible that I allowed myself to participate in the whole situation.  It got the best of me.  Within days I was given a restraining order that he and the girlfriend filed.  I filed a counter restraining order and was disgusted by a lot of the accusations and things said in their restraining order. I realize I will always have my ex as a ghost of the past but his girlfriend is just someone me nor my children have to deal with.  After our court date for the TRO we were given an extended one for a year.  My ex and I had another court date do decide what would happen with the children and the visits.  It was not seen in front of a judge but a mediator who hears both sides then makes recommendations.  I explained to the mediator that my sons do not want to see their father any more, that this whole situation has risen up old feelings for them after months of counseling and being able to adjust to a new life.  Still my ex is persistent on seeing the children  ( I really believe it is because if I have full custody I will get a raise in child support and he already feels he pays plenty, which is not the case for an absent parent vs a parent who goes to teacher conferences, throws birthday parties, cleans up vomit and rubs vicks on the chest when they are sick, chases monsters out of the room and reads them books ) Ok sorry, back to my story. …..  So now the recommendations were recently received and we had 11 days to object.  They said that he is to have visits with them once a week, with no contact with the girlfriend or her minor children.  He is supposed to pick them up at my home and go to counseling to learn to rebuild a relationship with his children.  I wanted to object at first then realized, he doesn’t love them enough to stick out counseling and it is probably and inconvenience to drive out to my house to pick them up and drop them off once a week, and if he really, truly, in his heart wanted his children then maybe just maybe he would do all of these things.  So I decided to not file objections.  Well guess what I got in the mail yesterday???????????   He filed objections….. or at least the girlfriend did for him. Saying that because there is a TRO he should not have to near my home for any reason and that the day the visits are requested is the “only” day he is obligated to care for her two minor children (one of which is his) and it conflicts with the restrictions of my kids being around her kids.  I feel so tired of this battle.   I wish I could have seen into the future and seen all of this drama ahead.  I would have never filed anything in the 1st place and he would have never reentered their lives.  I feel like this is too much for me, We have court in 8 weeks this time in front of a Judge to decide where we go from here.  I cried last night and just want to give up.  I feel like telling him if he will just relinquish his rights there will be no child support.  My mom said that is not fair and that he should not get off that easy, I got him his green card during our marriage and have been a good parent for my children and it’s the least he can do.  I just don’t know anymore.  I don’t want to see my children suffer and I’m so tired of court every couple of months.  I know this is long but I just wanted a view outside of my circle.  Thank you 

[teko]

I feel so sorry for the children, being in a tug of war, not of their making. He wants his way, you want your way, but what about what the kids want. What is best for them? If I had the answer to the questions, I would be rich. I think ya all need to sit down and have a calm discussion about just that. When you loved each other and decided to bring those kids into the world, you made a committment to them. They have two very imperfect parents. Not just Dad and Not just Mom,  both of you. You decided to divorce each other, the kids did not have any thing to say about that. Now you all are hollerin and carrying on and calling each other names and the significant others  are all in on fighting over the kids. That is just plain wrong!  You are all using the kids to get even with each other. Those children did not choose to lose either one of you, has anyone thought about that? You know the anger that you feel? Imagine the emotions you adults are putting thos innocent children thru. I sure do hope you all can work this out, somehow.

[green eyed lady]

I think Teko is 1,000 % right! What do the kids want? I'm sure it's both their parents acting grown up and putting the kids best interest first. It seems to me that in the begining you were happy that the father would mess up, why? Why would you want something that will hurt your kids to happen. I don't get it.

When my husband and I ended our 16 yr. marriage it hurt like hell but we were able to put our feelings aside regarding our kids. Sometimes that meant biting my tongue and sometimes that meant going home and crying. But it always meant that the EX and I were on the same page regarding the kids. If the kids wanted to see Dad...they saw Dad..it didn't matter if it was his "night" or not....

My kids are older and they both say that they are proud of the way their father and I handled the break up because they saw what their friends went through and how it really hurt their friends when they KNEW Mom and Dad couldn't even be in the same room together. Think about it, please. As Dr. Phil says "be the hero". Good luck to all of you.

[lizbeth30]

It is very hard to explain all the details when you break down a 4 year situation in a few words.  I do think we both failed at our marriage and when we 1st divorced he did make attempts to see the kids on his own.  He would pick them up after school, call and pick them up for a few hours on the weekends.  When I met my current husband but we were not yet married things began to change.  He would tell the kids he was going to pick them up then never show.  He would call several days later with a reason why he left them hanging.  The few times he would pick them up, and the kids would complain that he left them in the car the whole time while he got down at a friends or at stores or at work for up to 45 min some times.  Other times he would pick them up and leave them at his sisters the whole time.  When I got married in 2006 everything just stopped.  He never called them, his cell was disconnected and I didn’t know where he was living.  I left messages with his family but never got a response.  This is when my sons behavior got very alarming and I put him in counseling.  It took him 8 months to cope with the fact that his dad had abandoned him.  I decided after a year of his absence to request full legal custody from the court along with child support which I did not receive for the year he was absent.  We didn’t even have court until Feb which made it 16 months of no contact with him and the kids.  

The kids are my biggest priority here, but my ex husbands character is a path of lies, and hurt.  Numerous mutual friends have told me how he borrowed money from them then they never saw him again.  He once borrowed 200 from my grandma during his absence and never paid her back.  We had a vehicle we both financed and he sold it for 6000 never paid it off and now it is a charge off on my credit till 2012.  Not to mention the poor couple who got stuck with a vehicle and no title.

I know I’m human and have made mistakes, however I have always made my children my number one priority.  I initiated his counseling, to make sure my son could work his emotions through.  My current husband and I have done all we can to provide a stable home for the boys.  I think we’ve done a great job.  He went from being the most difficult student in 2nd grade to being student of the quarter his first quarter in 3rd.   I know in my heart I have done what is right by them.  

After our Feb court and being granted child support he decided he did want to see the kids.  After all the hurt and healing they had gone though this was a tough pill for me to swallow.  I did have mixed feelings, I did want them to have a relationship especially because he now has a new child and that is their brother.  But after all the things that have happen I know him like the back of my hand and knew sooner or later he would mess this up.  My biggest concern is that my oldest son is being thrown back into a situation that could make him emotionally vulnerable.  My youngest was a baby so does not have any memories of his dad, good or bad.  

Now that the visits started only once a week for 4 hours it was problem after problem right away.  My kids have Mohawks which they love and dress very punk rock.  My ex tells them to wear hats when they are with him because it is embarrassing.  He and his current girlfriend would tell my kids that I shouldn’t take him to court and I cause problems for him.  Things my kids should not be subjected to.  After our big fight a few months ago his girlfriend had been very mean to my oldest son at dinner in a restaurant.  He asked to call me and she turned off her cell phone.  When she got to our meeting place she told me how if he was her son she would have busted his a$$.  I got defensive and we began arguing saying very mean things.  I admit my behavior was unbecoming, I felt threatened and let her get the best of me.  That night my son said his dad told him he didn’t want to see him anymore and only see his little bother who behaves.  Now its my son who says he does not want to see his dad anymore.  He said his being with his dad is not what he expected at all.  I think his dad telling him he didn’t want to see him anymore was too much for him.  

Now here we are with this recommendations from the court saying he could visit the kids 3 hours once a week with all the requirements listed in the above post, and he has objected because it request they only see their dad and he have counseling until they re create a father son relationship.  And he OBJECTED.  Therefore setting yet again another court date for 2 months down the road.

My big question here is What do I do????? Do I give in and ask him to relinquish his rights?  Save my kids from more court and counseling…..   Especially now that my oldest son does not want to see him anymore.  I would loose child support but I would have the assurance my kids are emotionally stable.  Do I fight him for child support and have my 10 year old tell a judge how he feels??? I just don’t want them……. My boys to be in the middle of this war anymore.  My friends and family say it is not fair for him to get off scott free not having to be even financially responsible for them, and I do have to admit the money helps.  Kids are expensive.   Do I fight it or back out???? That is the question..  

I do appreciate all your advice.   Thanks

[green eyed lady]

I just read back what I wrote to you yesterday and I admitt I sounded "holier than thou" and I'm sorry for it....

You are so right about not being able to get the whole story when you're writing on a forum because after reading today's post I can see that you really do have your boys best interest at heart.

With all that said.....

I don't have much experience with this kinda stuff but I do know one thing...money is not as important as the well being of your kids especially after what the father has put them through. Is the father willing to relinquish his rights?

My brother in law had a little boy and both mother and father are addicts. Mother went to jail so the boy went into a foster home. BIL wasn't happy about so he petitioned the courts to have full custody of the boy. He won and it was horrible. The boy was literally ripped from the only mother he knew and sent to live with his father who was a stranger to him. BIL could not handle the boy and he wasn't nice to him. We as his family did what we could to help...I had the boy stay with us for a long time and the poor kid  called me mommy. I discouraged it because I thought it would confuse him more.

One day BIL noticed someone following him it turned out to be a PI who was hired by the foster family. Instead of being angry I was touched because it proved to me how much they cared for him. We convinced BIL to give the boy back and relinquish his parental rights...he did, not so much for the boy but because he knew he couldn't handle it. I have kept in touch with the family and the boy is well adjusted and loved.

The reason why I am telling you this is because sometimes biological parents aren't the best parents for the kids. It sounds to me like your husband is willing to step up to the plate and help you...which is great. But if money is the reason why you're hesitant to go for full custody please don't let it be, your boys well being depends on living in a stable enviroment. And as for the family members who say the father shouldn't be let off the hook financially...tell them to stop being so petty. That's what it sounds like to me, petty and stupid! Your boys deserve better. Good luck to you.

[teko]

I knew a boy that was adopted by his stepdad. He lived with his mom and her new husband and was adopted at the age of 1 because his real dad did not want anything to do with him. This worked well until he was about 14. He found out where his dad lived and worked. He found out that he had a half brother a year younger than him. He contacted his dad at his place of employment and told him who he was and his dad told him to never contact him again. This did horrific damage to this child. He is in his late 30's now and has never gotten over it. He feels like a lost lamb, not knowing who he is or what is so wrong with him that his own father wants nothing to do with him. He joined a biker gang and goes thru life trying to intimidate and bully anyone that gets in his face. He is angry after all these years.

I tell you this because your position is not only not easy, but your decision is that important.  How the two of you handle this now will affect these childrens lives forever. If the two of you could quit arguing and hating for just a little while you will be able to see thru the fog and make the right decision.  I personally feel that everyone has the right to have a relationship with their parents.  If you keep the kids from their dad, ultimately you will be the one that gets the anger. It is a no win situation.  If he has the chance to visit and do with the children and does not live up to his role, the children will also be hurt and ultimately be angry with him, that he was not there for them when they were little. The kids lose either way. It will affect them as adults and how they view life themselves. Both of you are going to have to lose the anger and try to talk sensably, then if he walks away from his kids, there is nothing you can do except to try to pad the pain. I would take the child support, it is his responsibility as a parent. I would also give visitation and have broad enough shoulders to put up with the childish **** they thro at you. They are using the children to get back at you, do not react to it if you can. If not, then supervised visitation may be an option, put in place thru the courts. How old are the children?

[Annie124]

Do the kids want a relationship with their dad?  Is this important to them, are they willing to see him 3 hours/week without the new wife?  Not according to what you wrote earlier.  No amount of money in the world is worth your kids being forced into this situation.  I made a decision at 14yrs old to back out of my fathers life.  And I've never regretted it.  As an adult I did get to know him a little, and it was clear to me it was the right decision.  Don't under estimate your kids.

[tbop]

Please do n't  say anything bad in front of kids about their dad.  When they get older they will show alot of anger and hurt one of mine does.  And sometimes she i so mean to me because she is mad at him.  So if  I say anything she would be mad.  And it is their choice unless ther is is abuse , which there it's .  Don't worry they hang their self.  It  is just bad that they do that to the kids.