4 1/2 yr. old daughter said something that worried me...

[patty6]

I can say my daughters behavior was pretty good until I became pregnant with her twin brothers who are now 21 months.  Now she wont listen part of the time, she on occasion picks on her brothers.  When I scold her for misbehaving she talks back and makes an angry face.  In the last week, in addition to this she has been hitting herself when she doesn't get her way or when we reprimand her for misbehaving.  She never did this before.  In the last two days she hasn't done it as much but it still worries me.
My second concern is what she said this morning that really has been bothering me.  I woke her up to give her a bath before taking her to school and as she sat in the bath she said:  "Why can't I choke everybody?" and a minute or two later she said "why can't I kill everybody?"  I asked her why was she saying that and she didn't reply.  
I thought well maybe this has something to do with what happened the night before.  I was coloring with her in her bedroom and I colored the leaf of a flower with a crayon she didn't like so she was upset and ended up saying:"I don' t like this crayon why did you color it?"  I told her that I did like the color and was trying to convince her that it was pretty and to leave it alone.  She eventually tore the page and threw it away.  I became upset and left her room.  She followed and was complaining saying she didn't like that book anymore and that she wanted a new one.

I don't know what about her behavior and the things she has said.  I am very concerned that something might be wrong.  She normally is happy but can get pretty upset at things and once in a while throws tantrums.  At school they have no complaints, she plays well and doesn't isolate herself.  Please give me your advice... Thanks

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

To be frank, your daughter's behavior seems very normal for the age. Her upset is well within the norms for her age and there does not seem to be any reason for alarm. Now, the comments about choking and killing are unusual, and they invite some casual questions about what she was thinking (e.g., What made you think about that? What would happen if someone did that?).

[elf202000]

This may be her way of recieving attention. She knows that her harsh statements will cause you alarm. Even though she is four she can be felling left out, less important than the twins. She does not have the correct vocabulary to express her frustration, anger, sadness. She may have also heard others say, I just want to choke someone or something similar. Children pick up on these things. I think it is important to try and talk with her to find out what she is feeling and give her the words to express these things. Also you may try to have just you and her time. Maybe go and get a minicure or set time at home for just you and her if possible to do her nails or something she likes to do together. Also telling her those things are not acceptable to say and having consequences. She may just need more reassurance that she is still special.