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Grief & Loss Community
This patient support community is for discussions relating to grief and loss, death of a loved one, miscarriage, terminal illness, and depression.
surviving a granddaughter's suicide
by bea964, May 02, 2008 02:52PM
I would like to hear from grandmothers who have lost a grandchild to suicide. My beautiful granddaughter was seventeen years old when her despair overwhelmed and killed her on May 19, 2007. Our family has been shattered, left to cry and wonder why...
Now all I do is cry and look for things to memorialize her. I don't want her to be forgotten!
The evening of the day she died is approaching and I find myself very apprehensive about how to deal with it...
She was my son's only child and the center of his universe. He seems to want to immerse in his work and we do talk about her, but avoid talking too much because we cannot do it without crying.
I mostly cry when I am alone which is most of the time...
thank you,
bea
Now all I do is cry and look for things to memorialize her. I don't want her to be forgotten!
The evening of the day she died is approaching and I find myself very apprehensive about how to deal with it...
She was my son's only child and the center of his universe. He seems to want to immerse in his work and we do talk about her, but avoid talking too much because we cannot do it without crying.
I mostly cry when I am alone which is most of the time...
thank you,
bea
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When my parents passed 7 years ago I know that the first anniversary scared me so much. I found that, however, the days leading up to it is much worse than the day itself. We become so scared how we are going to react that it consumes us. I know that my loss is much different, but I know that grief is grief...and loss is loss.
I would suggest for you to go to mass or whatever spiritual ceremony you can have to remember her. Pray for her, remember the wonderful times, and know that she is in peace now. No more turmoil in her mind. Just peace.
I would also suggest that you and your son need to talk about her more. I know that it will be met with many tears, but that is the best way to move through grief. Feeling it and letting it out. Eventually, over time, you will be able to speak of her and remember her will a smile and not so much pain. Just "pretending" that it doesn't exist will only hinder both of you from moving forward.
I also suggest grief counseling. I joined a great grief group for adult children who lost their parents. It was the most theraputic thing that I ever did. Being around people who share the same experiences as you makes the journey a little more bearable. Knowing you are not alone in your feelings is so helpful. I would suggest your son do the same. At those meetings we laughed and cried, we got angry...every emotion..and it felt so good to just let go.
I will pray for your family at this very difficult time and pray that God grants you all strength comfort and peace.
Thanks for your kind words.
Your son sounds like he deals with grief by pushing it aside and keeping busy. Not everyone can do that. When I lost my dad (sudden heart attack), I wanted to talk about him all the time and I did. I know that I made some people uncomfortable because I would cry, but I need to talk about him. It made me feel like he was still apart of my life. I felt so alone, like everyone just got to go on with their lives after the funeral, and I was still dying inside. So, I talked and I cried as much as I needed to, and didn't worry about how it made others feel. My dad will be gone 9 yrs this May 19th, and I still have days where I just break down and sob, but that is okay, we have to keep living, but we don't have to forget them to do it.
I'm sure you've guessed I lost a child too and I know we're not supposed to "compare" our grief but I think having to see my son go through the loss of HIS child and knowing I couldn't stop his pain would be...well, I'm grateful to never know that. At least I can think of my baby "at peace" now. Here's a link to a memorial site I've made for him.
http://joseph-howell.memory-of.com/About.aspx
Making this online tribute has helped me also and now that the good memories are finally replacing the horror and trauma I go there often and "talk" with him by lighting candles. Parents from the group and friends "visit" also and pay their regards. It's surprisingly comforting at times.
I've run out of steam but I just had to try to reach out to you. If you need to talk please feel free to contact me. Tell me about your granddaughter, that helps too. In some ways I feel like doing so keeps my son alive. May you find some measure of Peace. Jill Howell
http://www.suicidegrief.com/index.php This is the "Friends and Family" group. It's not private so anyone can post and it's visible to the public but, with very few exceptions, it seems to draw a very compassionate and good crowd.
http://www.parentsofsuicide.com/ This is the parents group. There's a link in the second box down to "join POS"
It is good that you are moving on... I know that I have to, but right now it just seems too difficult.
I want to wish you the best with your new husband. Finding love again must be very satisfying. Your first husband will be forever in your heart, but it is good you have found someone to love again and to be loved.
Thanks again
Bea